Great Expectations

Undatable in Providence

2011-01-10T19:36:00.001-08:00

I don't ask for much. Ok maybe I do but I'm so used to not getting it that it seems like I don't ask for much.

To kick off the year of 2011, all I wanted was to be featured in the Providence Monthly magazine as one of five most eligible bachelorettes in Providence. Every year this popular publication selects 5 ladies and 5 men in providence which have so much going for them (besides being in a relationship) that they are the ones that you want to snatch off the market. i've had numerous friends that have been featured in this issue over the years. Naturally it would be my time to shine.

So my bff writes a fabulous nomination and sends it in. And then even takes the editor out for drinks! So I'm waiting patiently to hear what day to pencil in the photo shoot and I'm not hearing anything. Now I don't know much about putting together a magazine but I would think that for a February issue you would need to do some of these things by January. Right?

So I'm out for drinks with friends one night about the first week into January. I suddenly remember to ask my bff if she has heard anything from the editor so she decides to call him while we are out. They did the photo shoot THAT NIGHT for the issue. and guess what - I'M NOT IN IT!

So I try to gain my composure because like a true 13 year old that isn't picked for the cheerleading squad I'm trying not to start crying. Especially since i'm among friends and a new hot latino friend which has more to the story...

So then bff invites the editor to come have a drink with us! So like an idiot he comes and I can barely look at him. First of all - i don't even want to describe to you what he looks like because he is certainly not qualified to be selecting the most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in providence. So of course I decide to give him a hard time and make him extremely uncomfortable - probably ruining my chance of ever getting picked for anything again.

So there you have it. Not only have I dated a ton of losers in Providence - my very own Providence Monthly has rejected me.

Do I even have to mention that one of last year's picks was a 50 something year old indian man who was dressed like santana in the photo shoot? Open up your eyes PM and take a good look at what the city of providence really has to offer on the dating scene.

So I turn to the hot latino and say - the only thing that will cheer me up is if you take me out on a date...to which he responds...you already had that! :)

Undatable in Providence Monthly's eyes but very datable in someone else's eyes....maybe everything does happen for a reason ;)

But I still let the editor buy me a pity drink.

Caution: "Snowy Conditions May Cause Incessant Calling From Parents"

2010-12-27T16:43:00.000-08:00

So my Christmas holiday was cut short by the warning of the first "blizzard" of the winter season. The morning after Christmas day (the day where you are supposed to sleep in, stay in your pj's, try on your new stuff, etc.) my mother wakes me up at 8:00 am and tells me that I really need to "get on the road". Now my original plan was to not leave until Monday night - have dinner with my good friend on my way back and potentially meet up with a new guy that I met on Thursday for a drink. However that all quickly went away.

I was quickly packed up, ate a quick breakfast, was asked 8 times if I forgot anything (I say yes and of course I did forget) and was on the road. So I'm trying to beat the storm and get to Rhode Island in time.

I leave at about 9:40 a.m.

10:00 a.m. - Phone call number one from Home. How are the roads? Is there traffic?

10:35 a.m. - Phone call number two from Home. Did it start snowing yet?

11:42 a.m. - Phone call number one from Dad cell. How are the roads? Is there traffic?

12:15 p.m. - Phone call number three from Home. Mom - "you forgot all your coats at home". Me - "oh shoot, well you can bring them when you come to visit in a couple of days". Mom - "so you don't have a coat in the car". Me - "am i planning on hiking part of the way?"

12:45 p.m. - Phone call number two from Dad cell. Dad - "this is the 30 minute check in for Sarah". Me - "I haven't moved much since I had to stop to pee because of that green tea you insisted on putting in my cup holder and then I got something to eat" Dad - "Pat! (my mom) - she had to pee".

2:00 p.m. - Phone call number four from Home. (now it's really starting to come down and I'm only going 40 mph and in a permanent lean forward stance with my hands at 10 and 2). Dad - "it's really starting to come down here - how about where you are". Me - "yes it's coming down and i can't talk because i'm trying to concentrate. i'm in mystic. good bye."

2:25 p.m. - Phone call number one from my cell to Home. "I just crossed the Rhode Island border. Good bye".

3:00 p.m. Phone call number five from Home. Mom - "where are you now?" Me - "I'm by the airport". Mom - "I don't think you should stop at work to get your lap top." Me - "I'm already past the exit for my house and if I get snowed in without my lap top I may jump off my deck."

3:45 p.m. Phone call number two from my cell to Home. "I'm finally home - I just pulled in." Mom "OH THANK GOD - GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS". Mom again "Did they plow yet in your parking lot?"

4:30 pm. Sarah taking a hot bubble bath and then polishing off a bottle of wine.

A Whole New World

2010-12-16T19:31:00.000-08:00

So I committed single status suicide - I am the single girl who mailed out a photo Christmas card. I never thought I would do it. Never. I would look at pictures of those on people's refrigerators and think to myself how these women could bring themselves to mail something out to all their friends and family that screams - I'm all alone!! I have no one else to take this picture with me! Sure people try to disguise the picture by posing with their dog, or in front of a great landmark that they traveled to, or maybe make some kind of joke about it (like using their Halloween costume of a mail order bride as the featured photo - with a caption of "don't know what to get that special someone for Christmas?? How about a mail order bride!).

Well who did I choose to pose with for this symbolic occasion? He takes girls on dates on magic carpets, looks dashing in MC Hammer pants, always has golden glow about him and has a pet monkey. Yes I'm talking about the one and only Aladdin. It was a photo from where we met - on that beautiful sound stage of Morocco at Epcot. Here is a picture of him with his previous family (obviously before we met). And the card says Merry Christmas - Hoping all your dreams come true. Because mine is definitely to run away with Aladdin.

So anyway - yes obviously i'm not dating Aladdin - because that would defeat the purpose of this post..to confirm to my family and friends that i'm still single. (and he's already taken by that bitch Jasmine).

So I had 40 of those puppies made, threw them in the mail and hope that I'm now adorning my loved ones refrigerator doors with my very own singles ad.

Maybe next year I'll pose with my cat because isn't that the next logical step?

Here I Am

2010-11-30T18:04:00.000-08:00

Wow - over a year has passed. So much has changed yet so much is pretty much the same. Over the last year I have settled nicely into my condo, endured yet another failed relationship - but one that taught me a lot about what I want in life, had an AMAZING summer in Newport, judged a six week karaoke competition, visited the happiest place on earth...Disney World and got promoted! Overall - things are good.

Do I continue to have comical things happen to me - all the freaking time. I call them my Liz Lemon moments.

I did continue my match.com stint until recently. While judging karaoke I ran into one of the guys I was talking to on match. Now granted - immediately upon meeting him I knew it wasn't going to work however in true Liz Lemon fashion as I was walking out to my car I find him making out with some girl behind the building. Classic.

While dress shopping I stopped in this Asian store with cute promish/bridesmaidish type dresses. I pick up this really cute hot pink strapless number and the woman who owns the store comes up to me and asks "who are you shopping for??" while looking me up and down. I say yes and she immediately says "oh we don't have your size". I'm looking at her stunned as I'm holding up what I believe to be my size. And I say "excuse me" and she says - "our sizes run really small". I turn to my friend and am like "did she honestly just say that i'm too fat for these dresses??" yes she did - so we turned and left.

The Tuesday night before Thanksgiving my car unfortunately got broken into. Windows shattered - items stolen. All very upsetting. It was parked in front of my friend's house and when I discovered the car her sister came out to help put plastic up on the windows. I'm very distraught and upset and this car pulls up to my car. To which I scream out "what do you want?????? everything has already been stolen!!!" To which he says "Michelle??" (my friend's sister). He pulls the car over - they start chatting...and then he asks her out on a date! I'm thinking to myself...this is honestly the story of my life.

So yes- I've been here all along - I know you all have been missing the comedy sitcom situations of my life (however apparently in my absence I acquired a large asian population following my blog) but I promise I'm back and here to deliver.

Lemon Out!

Reunion Hotline

2009-11-23T16:19:00.000-08:00

So because I am an anal control freak I decided to take the lead on planning my 10 year reunion along with some of my close friends. Let's just say it hasn't been the most pleasant experience.

About 2 weeks before the event the committee started questioning all of the decisions that we had already made about a year in advance. As it got closer to the big day I found myself fielding all sorts of questions making me a reunion hotline of sorts...

Reunion hotline how may I help you?

I can't figure out how to use Paypal.
You picked a horrible weekend to hold the reunion.
You spelled my married name wrong on the rsvp list.
We want four hours of open bar instead of one.
We don't want to use the dj we hired a year ago we want to just play our ipod.
There are no pictures scanned for the slide show.
We want you to hand pick out the ham in the penne vodka so it's a vegitarian option.
I can't figure out how to use Paypal.
My wife is going into labor can you change the date of the reunion.
I actually didn't graduate with you - I'm not sure I was invited.
What does dressy casual mean?

This continued up until the day of the event. I do have to say that it turned out to be a great event. However I only wish I remembered more of it and actually talked to people after standing at the registration table for 2 hours. A year of planning only to get so tipsy that I don't remember much after picking my own ticket for the 50/50 raffle and refusing to pick another one and then going up to a group of guys that I never talked to in high school and just standing there probably swaying while they looked at me funny.

This Reunion queen was in her Holiday Inn bed before the clock hit 12 and passed out clutching her clutch. Reunion hotline is down until 2014.

What does happy look like?

2009-11-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

Sooo ever since it was discovered via the internet that my "Mr. Big" got married, my dear friend E was so captivated by the photos that she bookmarked the photographers blog and visits it daily. Right? Who does that?

So a little while back in my occasional facebook stalk I look to see if any photos have changed for Mr. Big's profile pic. (of course we are not friends). And one time when I checked it was a picture of a baby. Which of course made me think the baby was his. I have no idea how this came up in conversation but E says to me tonight - "no, that's not his child" and I of course say -how do you know?

Weellll I saw pictures on the photographer's blog and it can't be their child - just look, she says. So of course I bring it up immediately. And of course there it is - Mr. Big with his wife and his brand new family.

I swear i have never seen pictures like this before in my life that honestly were not actors doing their job posing in a f***ing field. These people are beautiful. Honest to god beautiful. It's the parents, and their three children with their significant others including Mr. Big and the wifey. One couple has two children and the other couple has a baby. All I can say without showing the actual pictures is that it is very "shabby chic" loaded with cowboy boots, old suitcases, buttons, fields, J Crew clothes and beautiful beautiful people. Actually kind of like this but honestly this picture doesn't even do it justice:

So of course after I scrutinized every picture, every facial expression, every accessory (i'm only human) -it made me think...

Is that what happy looks like? Perfect people in a photo shoot? Is that what we should all be striving for? If that's true - we would have a lot of people falling short, including myself. But I guess I don't think that is true.

I guess happiness can look like lots of different things. It can be toasting with your oldest friends in your very first home. Or laughing until your sides hurt on a hayride that is not doing a good job of being scary. Or getting a note from someone thanking you for doing something that resulted in an emotional experience that brought him and his son closer together.

Can J Crew family have moments like this? Of course - I'm sure they do. The bigger person in me would say I hope they do. But do we all have to throw on cowboy boots, play with buttons and romp in some fields to be truly happy?

Absolutely not.

Waking Up in Lincoln

2009-09-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

Is not the same as Waking Up in Vegas. It's a lot quieter actually. So quiet that I can hear the people above me flush the toilet. and take a shower. and do their laundry. and try to calm their crying baby. all at 6:00 a.m. Actually now that I think of it - it's not quiet at all.

My new place in Lincoln is actually fantastic. I'm so happy here (even though i feel like i'm miles from providence) (it's only 10 minutes) and feel such a sense of accomplishment. Yet, it has made me slightly neurotic. I am constantly cleaning up after myself, picking things off of the carpet, trying to get rid of every strand of hair my head sheds. I've reached an all new level of analness. Onto better things...

Let me introduce my neighbors!

For sake of privacy I'll use letters instead of their actual unit #'s. I don't need you telling them I'm already talking smack about them.

Unit A - Girl around my age that lives with her boyfriend. I already forget her name. She pretty much lives in the basement. It can't be too much fun down there. She had a friend visit her over the weekend who turned out to be the girl who used to wax my eyebrows. Such a small world in good ol' Lincoln.

Unit B - Sweet girl who seems around my age. She has a cat. Which the entire hallway smells like. Her first impression of me was me apologizing for the idiotic Cardis Furniture movers who broke her patio umbrella while trying to hoist my huge couch through the back patio doors.

Unit C - Banjo player and his wife. They have a banjo playing son who came to visit last weekend. They held a banjo jam session while i was tanning at the pool. enough said.

Unit D - A Fabulous, Independent, Witty and Stylish Single Woman....me!

Unit E - HOT GUY! (and his girlfriend). I got super excited when I saw him coming home one night. I thought....could this be true? No...it has to be the boyfriend of one of the girls I already met. Then I see him check a mailbox. No sir! He lives here!! We meet on the stairs and exchange cordial conversation. I'm super excited and anxiously await my next interaction. Over the weekend the power kept going out and I got nervous because during the home inspection there was concern that there weren't enough amps to power the whole building. So I think this is a perfect opportunity to knock on hot guy's door. As I approach I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. A paisly doormat. One of the most fashionable floor mats I've ever seen. Which had to be purchased by his...girllllfriend. So of course when he answers and we determine this is a fluke thing he then tells me "WE are going to go food shopping while we wait for the power to go back on." We as in girlfriend. As in the girl who bought the paisley doormat.

and last but not least Unit F - The Family. A younger couple with a five year old little boy named Robert and honestly the fattest baby I've ever seen. I don't even know how it came out of the mom's petite little body. I can't actually say her name because I don't know it. Robert is the only one out of the four who had the decency to introduce thimself. Obviously Buddha Baby can't talk so that leaves the ownus on weird parents. They struggle getting out the door in the morning. I know cause I can hear them running around, turning faucets on and off, trying to get in 5 loads of laundry before the 7:00 am news and Robert occasionally getting yelled at. I might yell at Robert because I'm still waiting for him to bake me some welcome cookies. Isn't that what kids do?

So that's it. The whole kit and kaboodle. I think this place is going to be good for me - it's a whole new chapter in the Sarah Storybook.

Now excuse me...I have to go vacuum all the glitter I shook off my clothes after Waking Up in Vegas. I mean Lincoln... :)

And What a Circus It Was

2009-09-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Anything that I say in this post does not take away from the fact that I love Britney. I have always believed. Now onto the nonsense I witnessed...

I went to the Britney Spears concert on Saturday night. The Circus they called it - starring Britney Spears. Whoa.

First of all - I was shocked to see how many people my age there was there. And they were dressed up. It was like Britney over the years: Classic Britney in the uniform skirt, Retro Britney in the red plastic suit, Britney circa pre-breakdown in the Fadora hat. And some an odd combination of all three.

Then comes the 3 ring circus which included a girl with no legs doing acrobatics. No. legs. How does she? Nevermind...

Then out comes Brit. She looks awesome. Rockin the curves and all. However she doesn't really seem that into it. Actually I feel like her dancers kind of have to lead her around on the stage. It all of a sudden became: the what object can we push britney around the stage on concert. A few of them included:

A stripper pole

a cage

an ottoman

a bicycle

a hot air balloon type basket

an umbrella

and my personal favorite: a picture frame that she was holding onto for dear life. "y'all just look at me like i'm a picture, in a frame y'all"

So besides Brit being pushed, lifted, led, and held all around the stage the show was quite entertaining. I also found what my Halloween costme is going to be this year:

I personally enjoy the shorts.

Doo doo dada dada...dee dee dooda dooda

Part Three: Did The Hangover Actually Take Place in Newport?

2009-08-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

Ok - I know - you've been on the edge of your seats waiting for Part 3 of this long ass story. Since i just want to get it posted I will make this quick - here are the 10 reasons why I think that I experienced the Hangover first hand (ok a very mild version, but still) in the last leg of Southern Belle's memorable trip.

1. Southern Belle, T and I were so disorganized/hung over from our nonexistent pot party that we had a tremendous late start down to newport which resulted in T having no dress to wear, no alcoholic beverages for the hotel room, and feeling like we had no direction in life.

2. All clad in bathing suits and sundresses we ventured out onto the streets of Newport only to find out that it was cloudy, windy and hence the coldest day of the summer.

3. I get pissed that a 10 year old kid beats me to the plastic fishing pond at the restaurant we eat lunch at. now it's not going to be funny anymore it's just a cute kid fishing.

4. After we try to revive ourselves with a shower and some dinner we realize that every cab in newport is being occupied by the newport jazz festival. do that many people listen to jazz? i didn't think so.

5. After dinner we head over to the headlining event - Tracey Morgan. We are taken on a pot filled journey that included jokes about va jay jay's, sex, relationships, michael jackson, and back to sex. 2 couples in front of us walked out. they had sweaters tied around their necks and alligators on their shorts. we leave feeling confused and a little violated.

6. we head over to a popular newport bar where one of our providence friends is with a bunch of his friends. we see that they are sticking post it notes with funny sayings on each other's foreheads while the person with the note has to guess what it says. i say "this is so stupid".

7. thirty minutes later i am anxiously awaiting my next post it note which is being carefully crafted by cute mark. it says "please don't make me go back to the hotel". i think he is sending me a subliminal message. or a very direct one. these post it notes are hysterical. we are so funny.

8. what is not funny is when a stranger threw up on me at the bar. yes. threw. up. on. me. i initially think that someone spilled their drink because it's all cold and liquidy. not chunky at all. when T points out that it's actually throw up - i start screaming at the top of my lungs " MY LEGS, MY LEGS" like i had stepped into a land mine and my legs had blown up. the bartender quickly gives us free shots to shut us up. thank god i was wearing a dress so i could wipe it off my BARE legs. i know...i know.

9. the night starts to get out of control with people named manchego dancing with southern belle like a crazy man, T ripping shirts off of people, and me begging to get on stage with the band (and succeeding of course) (until i felt a tap tap tap on my shoulder into the second song and turn around to see the lead singer giving me a look like - ok wacko - get off my stage.)

10. And finally leaving Newport the next morning - in an even more disheveled state than we arrived. If we were still playing the Post It game mine should have said Laughed with Morgan, Danced with Manchego and had a Blast with My Girls.

The end.

Part Two: The Sighting

2009-08-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

So after we recovered from that memorable and weird night at 212 Waterman we had a big day and night in Providence planned. The highlight of the night was taking Southern Belle to our new favorite spot - Luxe Burger Bar. It recently became Luxe and even though we love it just as much (maybe even more)- this was an old fave from when she lived up here when it was formerly citron. So we thought it would be perfect for us to take her there.

It was the Fab Four back again - Me, T, Southern Belle and Foxy White. It was a beautiful night and it was also WaterFire so the city was busy with lots of people out and about. I decided to wear my fun, colorful, strapless cocktail dress - I was a little doubtful because I felt like I was going to a wedding( maybe because i did wear it to a wedding. make that two weddings.) but decided to wear it anyway. So we sit down at our table outside and not even 2 minutes later Foxy White says to me - don't we know that guy over there in the black shirt?

And as she is saying this I look over my shoulder and there he is. The most recent heartbreak. Which is what mine did - again. We hadn't spoken since our "break up" (if that's what you can call it) via text message almost 3 weeks ago. I absolutely froze. This is probably one of the worst social moments a person can have. So of course we immediately formulate a plan. Since there were crowds all around Foxy White placed herself near where he was and pretended to make a phone call. When he turned to go back to his group she "ran" into him. Of course he asks who she was with (I swear he spotted me before this whole run in and tried to pretend i wasn't there). She of course tells him she is with me among others and he says he will come by. THANK GOD he was not there with another girl. I literally would have died. However I don't know how much better it was that he was with his brother and sister in-law and some friends - there was a day when I would like to think that I would have been a part of that group. So anyway he goes back to his friends and foxy white comes back to the table. I have completely lost my appetite at this point and am so at a loss for what to do that I am just staring ahead in some complete fog. Minutes go by and he's not coming over. So my friends eventually say for me to be the bigger person and go over there myself. I felt like i had to oil myself like the tin man to get my joints to move as I confidently (what i hoped looked like confidently since i felt like a baby fawn walking on new legs) walk over to him and his friends. As soon as he sees me he comes right over and hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. Then he starts rambling about how he was going to come over...blah blah blah..didn't want to get yelled at by crossing the ropes to where i was sitting (like there is restaurant police). Then he tells me I look nice. (although i was happy i looked good i was totally regretting looking like i just did the electric slide) This whole interaction is completely surreal. All I kept thinking was - was this really happening?

I'm not going to recount the entire conversation - we talked about our condos, work, we recounted with his friend about how fun our night in newport was etc. i went with him to check on the status of their table with the hostess. this was the point where we were by ourselves and i had the chance to say something. but what would i have said? you hurt me? you made a mistake? why did you have to do that over text message? i keep telling myself that whatever i would have said it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

it made me think of that movie that's out now which i LOVE - 500 days of summer. the boy is in love with a girl and she has dumped him - he runs into her randomly and she invites him to a party that she is having. when he goes to the party there is a split screen and one side is his expectations of what he wants to happen at the party and the other is the reality. (of course the two are dramatically (and depressingly) different). i kept thinking that was what this was like. in my expectations screen he would have seen me - felt horrible, wanted to explain himself more, and then realize upon seeing me that he did make a huge mistake and wanted to know if i would forgive him. However of course we know that didn't happen. In my reality screen we finished talking, i went back to my table where i proceeded to get choked up, somehow made it through dinner, watched him laugh with his friends while he ate dinner wishing that i was sitting next to him, and then awkwardly talked to him at the bar before he left that ended with hugging me while i said "it was good to see you" and him saying "you got it"(are you kidding me?). Then I proceeded to hold up the line in the bathroom while I bawled and tried to pull myself together. There is no worse of a feeling when your heart hurts so bad you can barely swallow.

Thank god i was with my girlfriends. They of course gave him a few zingers while i stood calm and collected. In conversation he referred to his friend as being "ten times worse than him" in the dating department and foxy white wittingly socked him with - "what? fucked up in the head?" LOVE IT. I of course wanted them to knock him down more but was convinced by them that it was the perfect amount of zing.

So in true Sex and the City fashion T decides that we need to round this night out with some good old pot. Me being the pot virgin thinks that this is an excellent idea. We make arrangements with our bartender friends to come by when they are done with work for our little pot party. Meanwhile we need to pass some time so we head over to Waterplace for a little dancing (i tried my best to shake my booty even though i wasn't that much in the booty shaking mood) and we all manage to get into a screaming match with these girls in the bathroom. (I don't even want to tell you what started it. Ok - these girls got mad that they didn't get to use the bathroom first since they were on the elevator that led to the bathroom first. I know - RIDICULOUS. We are apparently at a club for 5 year olds.) After I yelled at them and told them to quit running their "bleeping" mouth I proceeded to leave the bathroom and then march right into to give them some more.

T then turns to me and says she knew i was going to be just fine when she saw me stomp right back in there.

So we head back to my apartment, arms clad with munchies and mixers for our pot party. I'm so freaking excited that I'm actually dancing around and reenacting "All my single ladies" for Southern Belle. We also pass time by doing the "pencil test" to determine whether we need to wear bras (not for the party. haha. but just in general) (i don't know, ask someone from the south about it). And then the text message comes. "Don't hate me, but we can't come." "we don't have a car." Jesus christ - in all of our bathroom girl brawling, pencil test taking, beyonce booty shaking we failed to hire drug dealers who HAVE A GOD DAMN CAR.

So just as Carrie ends her pot smoking escapade after Berger breaks up with her on a post-it note and says (still high on smoking pot) "Oh! Hear that? It's midnight. The official end to what will now be known as 'the day I got arrested for smoking a doobie.' HAHA! I said 'doobie." -- I can say that the night of "the sighting" will now be known as the night that I waited until 4:00 am for pot from a carless drug dealer.

And failed a pencil test.

Part One: It all started at the 2 - 1 - 2

2009-08-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

whoa. what a weekend.

Well it all started at the 2 - 1 - 2...my apartment that is. Southern Belle was coming up from Atlanta and we had an action packed weekend planned. I don't think I've announced yet that I finally bought a condo - yippee! I had wanted to do an appropriate farewell for 212 waterman (and all the shenanigans that went down there) and I thought the best time to do it would be when Southern Belle was in time since that was the place where we became such good friends.

So i'm getting ready for the party and for Southern Belle's arrival and T has an idea that I should put a sign up in the hallway inviting anyone from the building (this would actually be a first meeting since I have no idea who anyone is) down for a drink and some food. I really don't expect anyone to show up since I never actually see anyone. I think everyone was hoping for a guest appearance by the man who lives under the stairs because we are dying to see what he looks like...

So Southern Belle gets here and there are about 8 of us chatting it up and telling stories about my 600 square foot apartment and all of a sudden there is a little knock on the door. It's a waif of a girl holding a handle of bacardi in a brown paper bag excited as ever to come to the party. Her name is Alex and she lives upstairs and of course we made her feel welcome right away. Perhaps tooo welcome.

As soon as I realized that she was on drink #10 and her body weight was about 97 1/2 pounds I knew we were in trouble. That's when the inappropriate touching began. First it was the arm around my shoulder that "happened" to grace my boob. Then it was her hand on my leg (um..i had shorts on) - Wait I'm sorry the stroking of my leg while she told me how good it was to meet me. whooaaa nelly. keep yourself together. i know there isn't a whole lot of action going on up there on the 2nd floor but no need to come down to a party and make advances on me and my friends. everyone is weirded out and no one knows what to say or really do. and of course T is egging her on by announcing every time you could see my bra under my shirt. she then slurs to us that she wants us to go with her to a "secret" bar at Brown. oh wait - this is after she is now drinking the sweet tea vodka on the rocks. and after she has smoked a pack of cigarettes on the front porch. i honestly was surprised she was still standing. we avoid going to the "secret" bar, with the other "secret" lesbians and she gets her friend to pick her up. I also thought I was going to find her sprawled on the ground in front of the steps to 212 waterman with the neighborhood skunk who lives in the dumpster about to crawl over her. but thank god she wasn't.

if the walls in 212 waterman could talk they would have a lot of stories to tell - the beginning of great friendships, new love interests, broken hearts, broken bones, and hours upon hours of reality tv on that pink couch.

And I couldn't have asked for a better ending.

However- that was not the ending of this crazy crazy weekend...to be continued...

What happens when

2009-08-04T12:24:00.000-07:00

You mix

One too many John Daley's with
Tequila with
Bday cake in the shape of a sheep with chocolate chips in the frosting with
Dancing like a fool and trying to take your sundress off (of course my bathing suit was on underneath!)with
Sleeping it off in the backseat of your friends car?

A bad scrape over your eye when you fall out of the backseat onto the pavement while innocent bystanders look on and say, "T, your pet is trying to escape. She just fell out of the car."

160 Characters

2009-07-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

Getting rejected sucks. Every single form of it. On round 2 of me and the boy - it came down to the same issues again. But this time I wasn't going to just leave it be and not be spoken to. Because I knew I would have more chances of a response with a text message I decide to send one that basically says wtf? after always taking into consideration his situation - was he honestly shutting down on me again? and of course emphasized that i deserved so much better.

and then i got it back. the rejection text. the you are right..you do deserve better. the you want more than i can give. the you want a relationship...i don't. the i truly did enjoy our time together. ouch. there are so many things going through your head. are we truly doing this over text message? is this what closure is? is this what the end feels like? so then i decided that this was pretty much the last chance i had to "say" how i felt. but how do i get all my questions answered? how do i get validation for the last 8 months where i tried my hardest to mesh my wants and needs with the person who didn't have the same?

and how do you fit it all in a 160 character text message?

I think I just saw the back of Bobby Barker's head.

2009-07-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

Again I suck at keeping up with my posts but honestly I haven't had any really funny or compelling stories to write about. However this past weekend was a great time at the good old Jersey shore.

I had to go down to Jersey for two work events in the middle of the week and then stayed down there for a fun weekend back in the Squan. My aunt was generous enough to let us stay at her house and she even drove us to the bar so we only had to take a cab home.

So Friday night she drops us off at the Osprey and literally as soon as she drops us off I turn to my good friend E and say - what are the odds that we are actually going to get a cab to drive us all the way back there. Not that it was THAT far - but it was definitely off of the main road and I would have no idea how to direct a cab there in the daylight, let alone after 2 a.m. after having a few libations.

So we decide to go to Leggetts since the Osprey was looking a little sparse. As soon as I walk in i feel instantly old. E decides to make tequila her drink of choice and proceeds to encourage this 12 year old to attach himself to me. I honestly don't know how he got in the bar. I think he was still in college. He had this surfer/homeless look about him with holes in his polo shirt and a shaggy haircut that kept getting in his eyes so he would whip his head to the side to fix them. Kind of like this :

I swear he could have knocked someone out with that hair flip. He will not leave my side as hard as I try to shake him off. Finally after me rejecting him about 25 times he got the hint and ran away.

So the bar closes and E and I go to grab some pizza that we love so much. She's too busy texting so I help myself to her slice as well. Now. the cabs are lined up outside so I decide to start interviewing for our trip home. 1. Do they have a GPS? 2. How much are they charging? I finally find a cab who does have a gps and says he would charge us $45 - which I bartered down to $40 (I have such good negotiation skills). So we hop on in and say goodbye to all the cabs who refused to drive us that far. So we finally get to my aunts house and all of a sudden we are back up to $45. E starts questioning him as to why he doesn't have one of those tickers that calculates how much we owe...we do have enough sense to take down his personal cell phone number in case we need to use him the next night.

The next day I'm putting everything away from my clutch and I suddently realize that my license is missing (along with my new lipstick). I immediately start to panic although I do stupid stuff like this all the time so I honestly wasn't surprised. I immediately call the cabbie (i've forgotten his name). And get the most bizarre voicemail - which I was tricked by the 59 other times I tried to call him. He says awlo? pause. awlo??? pause. pause. then says about 3 lines in what i think is arabic and then says to leave a message in english. I swear I thought he was actually answering the phone each time.

So we head to the beach to meet our other friends and I decide to try to retrace my steps. First I look outside in my aunt's lawn. nothing. then once we were back in the area I went back to leggett's. so the bartender is asking us all of these questions including what the name of the cab company was. which i can't remember (but i also have a funny feeling that the car was unmarked which i am embarrassed to admit to the bartender). (He also makes a funny face when i tell him the cab driver gave us his personal cell phone number). (Then E makes a funny face when she remembers there was no ticker). Were we duped? Had a local driven us home that night instead of a legitimate cab driver?? On top of all this I felt like my entire world went to shit when I stepped back into Manasquan - I had no gas, no money, no license, and no lunch. That's what that town can do to you.

So we spend the rest of the day at the beach and I'm developing alternate plans on how i'm going to get into the bar that night. On our way back to the car we notice the shack next to the osprey that we had considered renting. Instead of our friends - it was occupied by these frat looking guys grilling some hamburgers. We sigh that we are houseless this summer and keep on walking. So E and L our other good friend start our trek to find the Sonic that we saw on our way to the beach. I was super excited that a Sonic had opened in the area and wanted E and L to experience the Sonic deliciousness. L had to follow us cause she had taken her own car and we put the poor girl on this wild goose chase because i needed gas (at a sonoco) and money (from a bank of america). my little tom tom kept taking us to sonocos that were no longer sonocos and b of a's that were no longer b of a's. so it was becoming very unfun running all of our errands. I managed to lose L a couple of times and then we finally made it to the sonic and chowed down on popcorn chicken poppers, tater tots, a mini ice cream sundae, and mozzerella sticks. it was delish.

so we make it back to my aunt's house and i shamefully grab the phone book to start trying to call other cab companies. finally i get a call on my cell phone - SARAH! HOW ARE YOU? like we were long lost friends...it was cabbie and he had my license! however the catch was that we had to meet him in Asbury park which was about 25 minutes away and in not the best area. so even though we were all sleepy and sun soaked from the beach we piled back up into the car again to get my most precious license.

So we are near a shady area and all of a sudden i see my cabbie poke his head out of the window in the parking lot. We drive over and with a big smile on his face he hands me my license AND lipstick (yay!) through the window. there are three girls in his backseat who have looks on their faces like wtf is going on? is this some kind of drug transaction? so mission successful - the osprey plan is back on!

We get all gussied up and ready to go. L and I are wearing pretty much identical denim dresses which makes us look like back up singers to E who is dressed in black. We start out at Leggetts again where we chat with this one guy who seriously had a chip on his shoulder. He started out by saying we looked like we were having a horrible time. Oookkk. way to make a group of girls start chatting.

We decide to then head over to the Osprey where I'm so excited to have some sightings from the past two summers. To my dismay it was so different. Completely different crowd. New rules regarding footwear. My bartender is not at his usual location. Not good. So we do a couple of laps throughout the bar. I don't see any of the lifeguards from last summer which usually provide some entertaining stories and gossip. All of a sudden I think I see the back of one of my favorite lifeguard's heads which leads me to follow this mysterious person down the hall. I am losing E and L even more by the second. We then decide to say goodbye to the Osprey and head back over to Leggetts..

We find the guys that we were talking to at the beginning of the night and this is basically how the rest of the evening played out:

1. this brute of a guy tried to attack L and successfuly attacked me by knocking me to the ground with his death grip. it was seriously like beauty and the beast. he was trying to dance but his force was more than he realized and with essentially no effort he knocked me to the ground on my ass - i'm still recovering from the bruise.

2. going back to the shack of a house that the guys lived in and proceeding to eat hamburgers that probably had flies all over them at one point (after thinking back it was definitely the same hamburgers we saw them grilling on the walk back from the beach...scroll back up to beginning of story)

3. L making out with a boy who clearly had a piece of brain missing

4. E running a marathon

5. nohr the cab driver sweeping in to save us from that place

6. us stiffing nohr after all his good deeds

7. E asking me the next morning if i ever found Bobby Barker. Which is not his name. at all.

I couldn't have asked for a better weekend in the squan.

Alphabet Soup

2009-06-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

That's how I feel like things are going right now: completely random but if you really try you can try to make some sense of it all and put those letters into an actual word.

W-O-R-K: I had my big Reunion weekend a couple of weekends ago. It was a huge success and we pretty much doubled our attendance from the year before. However there are always some unhappy campers in the group. Some of the finer feedback from the alumni:

" I WILL NEVER ATTEND A REUNION AGAIN LIKE THIS UNLESS THINGS CHANGE."

"In my opinion, it was almsost like they did not want to do a reunion but knew they had to put one together because that is what the alumni expect. PC should be ashamed of themselves on how they treat their alumni."

hahah in other words these comments make me proud to be an alum and to work my ass off to put on such a huge and complex event. (i did get other positive remarks but those aren't as fun)

L-O-V-E: Still on this roller coaster. As soon as I feel like I'm moving forward and up - my stomach flops as I go plunging down again...I'm still holding on though.

H-O-M-E: Well the house hunt continues. I managed to fall in love with a house on the wrong side of the tracks. When i went to show it to my dad we passed a hooker on the corner and the door knob to the back door was removed after someone tried to break in. That went over well. Haha the first isn't true but the second one is. Why does HGTV make everything look so easy and affordable??

T-V: Sadly - television is the most consistent thing in my life currently. I'm envious of Jillian on the Bachelorette, watching the Real Houswives of NJ is somewhat comforting in an odd way, and I watch the dancers religiously on So You think You Can Dance.

So all in all - life keeps going. But what is the word that I keep looking to spell with those soggy letters? Happy? Content? Changing? Complete?

I'm not sure exactly but all I know is that I try to keep

L-A-U-G-H-I-N-G.

Just YouTube It

2009-05-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my birthday. 28. This past Saturday I had plans with friends to go out for dinner and drinks to celebrate. I've been known to try to look my best when it's a special occasion. Ya know I'll schedule a hair appointment, maybe get my makeup done, wear a new outfit. I've also been known not to react well when it doesn't work out as I had planned.

Saturday morning things started to unravel. First my hairdresser called because she had to cancel my appointment. She had an emergency with her baby who apparently fell. (i think she dropped him). Ok fine. I can do my own hair. Then I go to look at another condo with my realtor. No closets. No parking. No go. Ok fine. I'm not going to be homeless until Sept. 1 - I still have some more time. Then I find out the boy is definitely going to pass on coming out and is going to stay in and recover from being sick and work on finals (so studious). I'm bummed. Ok fine. We will go out on my actual birthday. That's better anyway. Then I go to the mall because I wanted to wear the fake eyelashes that the MAC counter convinced me to buy for my tv interview. It completely intimidates me to try to adhere something to my eye with glue. So i thought they could do it and maybe put some makeup on me while they were at it.

I go up to the counter and the woman tells me that they have a policy that they can't put eyelashes on customers that were already worn. Excuse me? I don't think you know who you are dealing with. Not budging. Not an inch. Then she says that putting them on is really easy and just to "youtube it". I think at that point I wanted to lean over and strangle her.

Now in the grand scheme of things putting on fake eyelashes is pretty meaningless and I'm sure if I took the time I could figure out how to do it. However now I'm about to start the 28th year of my life and am continuing to try to figure it all out when it comes to matters of the heart, my career and taking that next huge step in life when I finally find that dream house.

Maybe I'll just have to youtube it.

La la la la la la tonight!

2009-05-06T17:57:00.000-07:00

I had the most random night last night. ( I also decided to just use real names in this post because i don't have enough energy to come up with fake ones and this post is not incriminating in any way and "foxy" is my only friend who has a nickname as ridiculous as that)

Let’s just say I started at the Cadillac Lounge (strip club) with my trainer who has never been to a strip club and had enough ones to tip all the strippers in providence. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that:

1. I was asked if I was here for my shift when I walked in.
2. I knew one of the waitresses – Donna – who is also my psychic.

I then went to meet foxy white at twist (one of my favorite restaurants)– who never showed up. I was holding court at the bar and chatted with two men over the age of 60 and then another older gentleman who bought me a drink. (i have had several at this point because i was trying to keep myself occupied while waiting for her) Her sister, her friend Trevor and this other guy David all came in because she also told them to go there. So the four of us hung out. Then I run into my other friend Gunther who was having dinner with some friends. Gunther is like – you should ask David who is brother is. (they all know each other because providence is one incestuous town). So I finally did.

David Knight. You figure it out.

Ok if you still haven't figured it out as soon as I found out I started spelling out nkotb with my body to Gunther through the glass window where he was sitting with his friends. David was of course in the bathroom at the time.

Update: Even though we thought foxy had stood us up that evening we came to find out that unfortunately she had gotten into a car accident while texting. (hit a pole while she was probably texting me back). I may have sent her a couple text messages insinuating that she was not telling the truth when she said she was on her way. Turns out that she lost her cell phone during the whole debacle and I'm almost positive that my texts went through post accident. If that's not a Seinfeldesq ending I don't know what is.

Good Old Joanie

2009-04-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile because I have been so busy. I've been house hunting and think I have found something that I want to put an offer on. In the meantime Joan my landlord has already found someone to rent out my apartment so basically I will be out on the street if I don't make a move.

This is all happening really fast and it makes me think back to all of the "events" that have occurred that have brought me and Joan together.

I slipped and fell on ice in front of the apartment so hard that I "flopped like a fish". I ended up breaking my elbow and tried to convince Joan to pay for my medical bills. It didn't work in my favor that I was intoxicated at the time of the fall.

Joan and I had to conduct an investigation when a huge box of jewelry worth $1,000 was stolen from the apartment building. (it would be my luck that my first huge jewelry party order was stolen) "Carlos the handyman" put it in front of the stairs and sometime between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm it went missing. Joan then insisted on going through each person's apartment when they weren't home which I believe is illegal.

Joan is deathly afraid of fire so my beautiful fireplace isn't even usable and because she boarded it up. However a bat/bird/squirrel/unidentifiable animal flew down the chimney and got stuck. It kept flapping/scurrying all around until I think it eventually died.

Being on the first floor everyone knows that heat rises. Also since this is an old home the air gets through every little crack and crevice. And since I am constantly cold I tended to keep the theromstat a little bit higher than normal. (ok much higher) Until Joan took it off one day and replaced it without me knowing with one that I couldn't turn above 70 degrees.

If I had a dollar for every time I said "JESUS CHRIST JOAN!" over these last four years I'd have the money for that downpayment on my new house.

Ahh. Good old Joanie.

As long as they don't make me do a burpee

2009-04-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

So this Saturday was very eventful. I was a little down because my set up with a new guy on Friday night didn't go as well as it could have been. At one point he asked me if I was single - which I replied "yes" (why do you think we are being introduced?) and then he proceeded to ask if i was "out on the prowl" (he also made an animal like stance as he said this). I knew that it any hope was lost at that point.

But anyway - back to bigger and better things. Saturday was jam packed. I had my big tv interview in boston at 5:00 and i had a lot to do before then. One of those things was taking an intro class at a gym that these three guys recently opened in providence. what would lead me to cheat on my trainer boyfriend you ask? well the 3 owners are all extremely good looking. I have already had a "run in" with one of them a few years ago and was onto the 2nd one (the 3rd one i didn't know about until we took the actual class). So the 2nd one had come to an alumni networking event and he pursuaded (didn't have to twist my arm that hard) me and my friend to take the class. The whole class is based on the concept of team training and it's mostly using free weights and no machines. because i do anything to "put myself out there" i decided to go to the class even though doing new workout/athletic things scare the hell out of me. as i walk up to the door i see these people lifting huge ass weights like we were training for the freaking olympics. i also see them doing these things called burpees (which my trainer attempts to make me do sometimes) which is when you throw yourself down into a push up position and then jump up. See below:

They are a bitch to do and after 5 I can barely get my legs out from underneath me. These people were doing intervals of 10 at a time about 10 times. I was like oh shit. So we start our class and it actually wasn't too bad. The only thing that scared me was having to do a headstand against the wall. I was instantly transported back into gymnastics class when I was too scared to do something and convienently had to "go to the bathroom" and would try to wait until they had moved on to something else. I was proud of myself though - i completed the workout (including 10 pull ups) and managed to look cute in front of owner 1, 2 and 3.

On to the next thing - I ended up staying for a lovely nutritional lunch and then I had to go straight to the mall to get my makeup done (was hoping to shower before but didn't have time). So I get paired with Orlando who was a tiny latino gay man. We instantly bonded when I told him about my potential tv fame. Apparantly all the other makeup artists liked what he was doing because I soon had a crowd around me. I then tried to convince Orlando that I can take him with me if I get picked which he then said "of course zi vill". So Orlando and the other makeup people convince me to put on fake eyelashes - which I had never done before. I am IN LOVE with them. I didn't want to take them off. (after I watched celebrity apprentice last night i realized people wear them much more than I think) So after I had my "fresh, clean look" I ran off to get my hair cut.

I asked my hairdresser to throw a few curls in there which she did and then i had my eyebrows waxed. My eyebrows lady wasn't too impressed with my makeup job and then proceeded to try to "fix" it. I was ready to be horrified when I looked back in the mirror - but it wasn't too bad. I was severly running behind at this point. So ran home with my fake eyelashes, curled hair, and freshly coiffed eyebrows - cleaned myself up, attempted to shave my legs in the sink which then gave me razor burn, put on my cute new outfit for Forever 21 and was on my way.

So I make it to Boston and see a girl (also auditioning) waiting before me in a full on turquoise cocktail dress with matching shoes (i guess she did really take the friday night outfit to heart). I filled out the 30 page application where I think i signed over my first born child to ABC and got ready to head up to the room. While I walked down the long hallway to room 1001 I did have a fleeting thought that this was all a set up for a group of guys to attack me in a random hotel room. However Michael opened the door and was a cheery/slightly chubby man in his late 30's. He instantly made me feel less nervous and the interviewing began. I got to tell my heartbreak story, my chicago story and much more. It all went really well and he liked me a lot - said he was definitely going to "pitch" me to the other producers. (damn those eyelashes worked)

So then I waited for my single straight man to get there so that he could be interviewed too. While I waited I sat at the bar and staked out my competition. The girl after me was doing this whole "quirky/weird" look with all of these tattoos. Her single straight man Jimmy was 25 and acted seriously like he was 21. He was trying to pick everyone up at the bar - including me. Meanwhile my single straight man got there and was whisked away to the mysterious room 1001. Back to Jimmy trying to pick me and every other girl up - When I gently turned him down he made some comment about "thinking that i would be available since I was trying out for a dating show and all". So then I say "well the rules say you can't be in a committed relationship" he makes some snide comment and then i turned into the ultimate bitch (i don't know where this came from, i swear). And I say "Jimmy, I've dated dozens of guys like you". His face looked like i just shot his dog right in front of him. To which I dug my hole even deeper and said it was because he was so young. Ouch. So Jimmy leaves to go to the bathroom (compose himself) and when I ask the other guy at the bar if he thinks i hurt jimmy's feelings he called me a "stuck up snob" (or something just as bad) Double Ouch. So Jimmy comes back from groveling and I apologize. To which my single straight man comes out of his interview and is like "wtf did i miss while I was gone?"

I just managed to alienate all of the single straight guys at the bar while i was applying for a dating show. haha.

Whatever. Just as long as they don't make me do a burpee.

My attempt at 15 minutes of fame.

2009-03-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

Haha but it's on soap net so I guess it will just be 10 minutes of fame.

So i get this email a couple weeks ago that is titled "looking for love?" which instantly caught my attention (those clever little bastards at abc). It describes this new show that they are starting on abc that is based on the movie "The Holiday" where cameron diaz and kate winslet switch cities for a vacation. (totally unrealistic because jude law shows up on cameron diaz's front door and instantly falls in love with her)

Anyway - so i instantly wrote back and said i was interested. Get a free vacation and the chance to meet new cute guys?? I'm in! I included some of my blog entries because i know that so many people love them from all the comments i always get. hehe So the casting director writes me back and tells me he wants to chat with me.

I get a call from him a few days later while I'm driving down to NYC to celebrate my friend's bday at a karaoke bar. Totally gave me bonus points that i was doing something soooo spontaneous like driving from RI to NYC to go to a karaoke bar. hahah. right. So we chatted for awhile and he definitely liked me and thought I was a fun. Which I responded "I think I'm fun too!" haha right.

So I got an email saying I made it to round 2 - whoo hoo! Which means that I have to go and charm the producers in person. So of course i bought a totally cute outfit and will be getting my hair cut.

Some of my friends are not so optimistic that I will be wisked away to a great city like Chicago and meet the man of my dreams. These are some other possibilities of what can happen:

I am entered into athletic competitions to win dates.
I am entered into Finding Luv with Flava Flav with New York as the host.
Teila Tequila is my roommate.
They fly me to east bum arkansas and my date is takin a ride on the ol' tractor to go milk some cows.
It's all a joke and every guy I go out with is gay.

All I'm hoping for is that I end up on the show which then ends up on The Soup - and then it truly has all come full circle.

Strippers, Shamrocks and Wellies, oh my!

2009-03-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

Well this past weekend was very eventful. First on Friday night I met up with a high school friend and his coworker that were in town for a conference. Went out for a nice dinner on Federal Hill and then had some drinks at one of the Irish bars in Providence.

Well my friends were up in this area for a band conference and we happened to run into one of the band directors from our rival band out at the bar. I of course tried to start getting some "insider info" but wasn't having much success. All of a sudden we were giving him a ride back to the hotel - half the car didn't want to go home and half did. (we had to leave the bar because we suddenly realized we were the tallest people in the place - and that's not saying a lot. it was like the congregation of the leprechauns getting ready for st. patty's day) All of a sudden we were discussing going to the Foxy Lady - one of the many strip clubs in providence. Our rival band director "Ted" was all over that. I think it honestly was the highlight of his year. So we pull up to the place and there is a loud speaker with a recording of announcements almost like we were pulling up to a disney ride.

Let's just say it was quite the sight to see. To be with a group of guys that included one straight married man with a baby at home, one gay man, one in the closet gay man, and one desperate straight man was very interesting. I am always shocked at how these women don't even look good! This one stripper who was definitely on something literally had no ass and no boobs and yet there she was up there. Although I don't think she was getting much money. There was a group of guys there for a bachelor party and there were definitely some hotties but then I decided I couldn't tell people I met someone at a strip club so decided against going over near them. All of a sudden desperate straight man and in the closet gay man are no where to be found. I start to wander around and find them on the "side stage" (code for even uglier than the main stage girls) ogling at these women. All of a sudden desperate straight man goes into a secret back room and probably let loose more than we would all like to know. After desperate straight man had his fun, in the closet gay man was tired of putting up a front, married straight man couldn't take any more embarrassment, and gay man came close too many times of the women overhearing his comments - we decided to go home.

So on Saturday I headed to Newport with the girls for the St. Patty's day parade and festivities. This is a crazy day that makes it acceptable to be a drunk fool and to dress like an even bigger fool. I was very concerned about my outfit because I needed to be super cute and be able to pull off wearing some kind of green apparel. I also don't like wearing jeans with sneakers because i'm so short and don't like my jeans scraping along the ground. I was determined to wear a cute pair of wellies but of course had put off getting them till the last day. I managed to find a green pair at payless the night before.

So my outfit consisted of jeans tucked into my new green wellies, my green "kiss my blarney stone" t-shirt with a grey long sleeved shirt and white wife beater underneath, off white scarf around my neck and black puffy vest. I felt like i pulled off looking cute and was warm. Well - did I get a lot of negative attention regarding my outfit.

"why are you wearing those boots?" "did you think it was going to rain?" "you are bundled up for a snow storm" "do you think you have enough layers on?"

jesus - for a second i got worried that if i was a celebrity the fug girls would have written about me. my fashion forward gay assured me that the outfit was indeed cute. then i realized what these people were wearing that were making the comments/giving me looks:

- a green pimp hat

-green tights underneath super short jean shorts with their ass cheeks hanging out

- a t-shirt with shamrocks over each boob on a shirt with a leprechaun saying "me lucky charms"

-white gym socks with green stripes pulled up a la Dazed and Confused

and green sparkles in their hair.

and

-retarded matching green shirts that had puffy paint that said "i'm not irish but i've had irish in me."

as the fug girls would say - my wellies kick your leprechaun's ass.

Dancing with the Stars According to Sarah

2009-03-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

Ok -

I watched DWTS from Monday night last night and whoa - there is a lot to comment on. Not even sure where to begin. This is by far going to be the most entertaining season to date. Here is my rundown of all the contestants:

Belinda Carisle - not memorable enough

David Alan Grier - f**king hysterical - but it might get old. I laughed out loud when he said he was hoping to get sexual favors our of being on the show.

Shawna Johnson - can def win it. Needs to tone down rigid gymnast arms.

Lil' Kim - did they let her out of jail for this?

Holly Madison - i swear she is the skinniest girl i have ever seen. i almost died when Carrie Ann said she looked like a baby fawn on it's legs for the first time - cause that's exactly what it was. and that laugh. heheheheh. she definitely has that playboy pose down pat though.

Gilles Marini - Want. To. See. Him. Naked. In Person.

Ty Murray - is forever cursing his wife jewel for getting hurt and leaving him in his own private hell.

Steve - O - i have never laughed so hard watching someone attempt to dance before.

Denise Richards - cannot STAND her. Karina better watch her with both eyes because she is partners with Karina's extremely hot fiance Maksim. (my favorite) That girl has ulterior motives. She has already started calling him Maxipoo?? Did you see her face when stupid Samantha Harris brought that up? Karina - take her DOWN.

Melissa - my girl. Went from being dumped on national television to dancing with the stars in one week. love it. Just didn't love the costume they put you in. You looked like the little mermaid caught in a net.

Lawrence Taylor - token black athlete.

Chuck Wicks - total sweet hottie. i am extremely jealous of his girlfriend julianne. not only is she a skinny dancer with awesome hair but she has him to go home to. Life is not FAIR.

Steve Wozniak - Karina, Karina, Karina. What producer did you screw over to get this kind of treatment? Not only does your fiance have the biggest whore of a partner but they put you with this guy. I'm hoping that you stay in it as long as you can just so you can keep an eye on legs and maxipoo.

I have to say I'm very pleased that my faves from So You Think You Can Dance have moved their way into Dancing with the Stars. I love seeing familiar faces.

Some things never change though with the professional dancers-

Kim is still cross eyed.
Cheryl still looks better with full on makeup.
Edyta is still wearing leg warmers.
and
Jonathan is still the gayest straight ballroom dancer.

BUT

when did Mark Ballas become such a hottie?

Lastly - did anyone notice the woman in the audience behind Tom Bergeron who at one point I thought she had died but then realized that she was just sleeping...

There are no contradictions.

2009-02-26T20:41:00.000-08:00

A very good friend said that to me. And it all became suddenly clear. There are no contradictions. When you replay in your head why something went wrong or how you got to a certain place - it truly all does add up. Or I guess makes sense as to why it doesn't add up. I had been telling him about my latest love failure and as I heard myself describe the last days I realized it did all add up. There were no contradictions. It was simple. He wasn't ready. And I was.

The most ironic part is that it doesn't seem as simple when you are living it. We spend time analyzing, wondering, and feeling bad when if we really took time to think about it we would see that all the pieces were there to the puzzle. We just didn't want to put it together.

Other things I guess aren't that simple. Puzzles that still need to be solved:

why my landlord thought that a normal sized refrigerator would fit in a closet sized kitchen
why america's funniest home videos is still on television
how people see through those kanye plastic glasses
how fantasia ever won american idol
why the show what about brian ever went off the air
why the coffee shop at nordstroms would name their size large "enorme"
why people who you haven't talked to you in 10 years think that they are your best friend on facebook

And finally...

how there can be as many things wrong with this picture as wrinkles on hef's you know what.

There are definitely no contradictions.

The Sarah Meets The Soup

2009-02-23T16:20:00.000-08:00

Things have been kind of crazy in my life. On top of one of the biggest weekends of my career I've also been dealing with a bruised heart but that's another story for another day. I just got done with Homecoming Weekend and the highlight of the weekend was a comedy show featuring Joel McHale from The Soup. I am a huge fan and could not wait to meet him (again). I saw him do stand up twice before and met him after the show for a picture after the first time. However - this time I would be spending significant time with him - which I was very excited about. Little did he know that he was on the road to being my best friend. However there were a few road blocks.

Road block #1 - In the shower the morning of the show I realize that I never received the box of merchandise that I was supposed to get in the mail. I am told by the agent to "just give him a call on his cell phone" like it's no big deal. I call him after I know he has landed and ask how is flight was - he says he's still in LA - is that a problem?? I say well yes it is because that means I'll have to get on stage. Obviously he is kidding. I hope.

Road block #2 - Joel gets to the college safely with merchandise in hand and I show him his dressing room. I had a couple of nice copies of the poster we had made for him to sign. I come back a little bit later (with professional photag in tow to take a pic of me and my new bff) and he scolds me for calling The Soup, Talk Soup - the old name for the show. WOOPS. Completely an oversight on my part. So not only did he nicely autograph the posters but also crossed out the word Talk and wrote an arrow with the word "The" and then the word "Nice" next to it. For the remainder of the evening he calls me The Sarah.

Road block #3 - The show starts with an alum as an opener and as soon as he starts I quickly get Joel from the dressing room - with a security guard with me because we were going to be taking in through the back way to avoid being seen from the crowd. There were doors that were locked which is why I have the guard with me. So I am nervous because I don't know how long the opener is going to be telling jokes for and we get to the door that's locked. I look over at the guard and he's like "I don't have any keys" I am about to scream "I will f--king kill you but try to keep my cool in front of my new bff. For all we know the opener was saying "And now your favorite guy from the show Talk Soup - Joel McHale! (he also messed up the name when he actually did say it) and we were stuck behind a locked door with a group of lost college girls who started screaming this high decibel scream when they saw him.

Road block #4 - The show was awesome - the crowd loved him. I only had to hold my breath 3-4 times when he started talking about no rights for minorities, lazy priests, and when he totally called out the photographer from earlier when she practically ran across the stage to take a picture of him and he says "did a silver haired boy just run by?" and proceeded to dance around the stage saying Rhode Island had its very own elf. (which to his defense she looked exactly like)

Road block #5 - The show ends and I am trying to get Joel through the crowd by his precious merchandise table and need to corral the bodies into forming a line. They are not listening and I feel like no one is helping me. First Joel wants to know why his t-shirts aren't out on the table (so no one stole them during the show) and then tells me that people are not going to listen to me. (oh yes they will). So I finally get a good flow down - which i knew would happen. He is patiently meeting with every fan and taking pictures (loved how he was making fun of every person that came through. including the girl dressed up as spaghetti cat. he asked her if she had mental problems) although every once in awhile he would turn to me and ask me if the t-shirts were out. were people buying the god damn t-shirts. (no joel - college students can't afford $25 t-shirts. I could barely get them to buy a $10 ticket to the show.)

We then walked back to the dressing room and chatted for a bit - talked about where i was from, how i liked it, what i do at the school, etc. etc. he was very concerned if i thought the show was ok. i then told him that i had seen him twice before and he looked shocked. We chat about both shows I saw - and talked about how bitterly cold it was when I saw him in Boston on NYE. He was like well if you are ever in LA you should come see a taping of the Soup - he's like you have my number. (well bff you don't have to ask twice!) So we walk back to where the car service was waiting and my bff gives me an affectionate hug and thanks me for everything - then says to my two coworkers - "she has seen me twice before - she really is a fan". It's official. Even after all our road blocks we were bff's. I'm sure he is planning on how to give me a shout out on the next episode of The Soup right now. So after we made arrangements to mail the box of merchandise back to him (because we couldn't find packing tape to tape it back up for the plane)he then turned to leave and turned back around, waved, and said "Bye The Sarah".

And then I went and stole one of the t-shirts out of the box for myself. I deserved that damn $25 shirt.

Knock Out

2009-02-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

My mother doesn't cease to make me laugh. On Sunday I was in New Jersey and we went to go see the movie He's Not Just That Into You. (Which was the most depressing movie I've seen in a long time. This one speech that Ginnifer Goodwin gives in the movie - I felt like the words were coming out of my mouth.)

Anyway. So we are walking back to the car and as I am walking over to the drivers side I kind of see my mother stumble a little bit. Almost like her ankle gave out a little bit. Now falling runs on my mother's side of the family. We are all a little bit clutzy. No one is probably as clutzy as my aunt who when she came to see me before my prom she was getting out of the car and her foot got caught in the seatbelt and fell underneath the car. I of course not wanting to make a scene am trying to say quietly to my grandmother that my aunt just fell but of course I failed miserably.

So back to my mother. I see her slightly stumble and as I'm opening my car door I notice that she is no where to be found when I look through the windows to the other side. This lasts for about 3 seconds until I run around to the other side and see her picking herself up off the ground holding her eye. I am trying to stifle my laugh because nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing someone fall. Thank goodness my mother was half crying/half laughing. So after we decide that she doesn't need to go to the emergency room we get in the car and I swear literally in seconds she had the biggest bump coming out from her eye. I couldn't even look at it. It looked like this. But bigger.

So we knew my father was going to flip out because he overly worries - which he did. He even starts to question me on what I would do if she was unconscious. Hello? What am I an idiot? The best part is that once everyone calmed down and my mother had the ice pack on her eye I went to dial my cousin's phone number and accidentally called 911. I have no idea how I did it - but when you tell them everything is fine they still have to send an officer over to the house. Ya know in case someone is holding a gun to your head or something like that. So of course a few minutes later an officer came to the door. And with my mother's sick sense of humor, she was tempted to stand in the bay window and mouth "help" to the officer. With her knocked out eye.

What was I thinking?

2009-01-26T18:36:00.000-08:00

I regret ever ever wanting to be on The Bachelor. Ever. Don't get me wrong. I still won't miss an episode but I could not put myself through what these girls do. This is seriously a train wreck.

A couple of observations:

Rose #9 Jillian is totally my girl - i'm rooting for her.
Rose #8 I can't figure Lauren out. Is she a bitch or just totally insecure? p.s. I think I danced next to her in the boom boom room at the jersey shore. definitely.
Rose #7 Megan is a wackadoo
Rose #6 Melissa reminds me of someone and I can't think of it.
Rose #5 I think the other girls should have sang the walk of shame song when that girl came home in his clothes. What is her name? Holly? Holly hookup?
Rose #4 Shannan still has a napkin on her lips. ouch.
Rose #3 naiomi - i think i just butchered the spelling of her name but i'm too lazy to google it. she needs to go back to being eva mendez's body double.
Rose #2 Stephanie is sweet but what the hell was she wearing when she was doing the singing contest? and what the heck was she singing?

and Rose #1 Nikky totally got dumped because she has side burns.

Why else won't I go on this show? Because I don't need to be written about in some single girl's blog :)

The "Hi have a chance Hat"

2009-01-20T16:40:00.000-08:00

I have recently renamed a Providence night spot from the Hi Hat to the "Hi have a chance Hat". Why the name change you ask?

Well one of my friends from work and I decided to stop by Saturday night to listen to a band I'm thinking of booking for one of our events.

The fact that we saw a couple of middle aged drunk women stumble out onto the sidewalk as we walked in was not a good sign.

I was seriously the youngest person in the place. I felt like even in their drunken state - everyone was aware of this fact almost like there was an arrow over my head pointing me out. The men were drooling over us like we were brand new prey that wandered into their lair.

The outfits were unbelievable. Some women did not want to give up their New Year's Eve sparkles. Some others couldn't stop looking at themselves while they were dancing - they thought they were such hot shit.

We see this group of guys that looked around our age. Who talk about hot shit - thought they were roasting. However it seemed that they were constantly asking this group of older women to dance and I suddenly realized we had a group of cougars on our hands. At one point this one younger - slightly attractive (in a "the best of the worst" kind of way) asks this one woman in the group to dance. I could not understand it. On top of the fact that she should have stopped wearing haltar tops about 20 years ago - I know this is going to sound horribly mean but she almost looked slightly retarded. I am 100% positive that she was not - but I was staring with this I can't believe this is happening look on my face. Her friends were half giddy for their friend/half totally jealous that it wasn't them out there. So of course I need to start trouble and catch eyes with one of the friends and start mouthing to her - do you want to dance with him too? My friend immediately stops me from creating a scene.

Another one of the guys in the group was absolutely repulsive. He had on his horrible striped shirt, which laid over his beer belly and slight hunch of his back. He thought he was such a ladies man and came marching confidently over to me and my friend. Of course asked us to dance and I couldn't even take a breath before blurting out no. I almost wanted to say - I've been making fun of you mercilessly since I walked into this reject haven.

I continued to be mesmerized by the seduction of the cougars by the young boys. I couldn't tell if they were doing it on a dare or as a joke - or - if they were seriously trying to get some ass from these women. (it had to be because they had no chance in a normal bar).

Once my friend and I heard the first few notes of "Let's Get It On" we knew it was our exit to leave. No need to actually witness the grinding of what could be my mom's friends with their potential sons at the Hi have a chance Hat.

375 Degrees

2009-01-15T17:13:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone! I can't complain with how the first two weeks of 2009 have played out except for how freakin freezing it's been. That includes NYE. I was in Boston with the new boy who will be referred to as N.B. from now on. We saw hysterical comedian Joel McHale who also could not get over how freaking cold it was. Besides the fact that I almost killed a train of snowplows on the way there and the taxi driver who insisted on driving extremely slow while taking a wrong turn with minutes to spare to midnight - we had a great time.

So fast forward two weeks to last night and N.B. stops over and finds me wrapped up with multiple layers and a blanket wrapped around me in my freezing apartment. He suggests that I put my oven on and open the oven door which was a fabulous idea. So as I'm pumping that baby up to 375 degrees I think - wouldn't it be great to bake some cookies? It's only after 10:00 on a Wednesday night - a perfect time to make cookies. So I suddenly realize i have the cookie mix BFF from high school gave me for christmas. (he is so domestic) It's one of those mason jars with all the layers of ingredients. (it looked so pretty I didn't want to ruin it). I realize I don't have any eggs so I give a knock on my awkward next door neighbor's door to see if he has any (who as he's getting them is making all these faces like his eyes are adjusting to the light - please). However, we are in luck.

So I start to dump all the ingredients in the bowl and have a road block when I see the brown sugar in the mason jar is rock solid. Thank god N.B. has some muscles cause he had to attack that which left a spoon bent in half.

So here we go...

1st cookie attempt - N.B. teaches me how to play texas hold em while the cookies are baking. I take them out and N.B. thinks we need 2 more minutes. I listen and all of a sudden smoke is coming out my easy bake oven. Cookies burned.

2nd cookie attempt - I have half the bowl of cookie dough left so we give this another whirl. N.B. and I get preoccupied ;). Cookies burned. Again.

3rd cookie attempt - As N.B. and I are laughing about how my neighbor would explain to the firefighters why the building burned down. ("I don't know sir..I lent her an egg and then all of a sudden smoke was coming out of her apartment") I scrape enough cookie dough out of the bowl to make 4 final cookies. I pull out my secret weapon - tin foil. I will not let these cookies burn again. I stand by the oven and literally watch them bake pulling them out every few minutes. And there we have it - four perfectly baked cookies. At 12:05 in the morning.

A Work in Progress

2008-12-30T08:12:00.000-08:00

So here we are - the last days of 2008. It has been quite a year I feel like I have come a long way since this time last year.

On New Year's Day last year my friend and I were on a plane to Florida to bask in the sun for a few days. Too bad the sun didn't come out at all while we were there and I insisted on going tanning every day so I came back with a tan. During that trip I also had another pointless relationship end via telephone. But that was ok - I was starting the new year fresh and without any obnoxious guys who have smell issues (yes it was bad). So on the plane ride home I decided to write goals for 2008. Looking back now, surprisingly I did pretty well.

Throughout the year I got a new job, started my jewelry selling business, started seeing a trainer, and was inspired to start this blog which the five of you enjoy reading so much. I was trying new things like taking dance classes, learning about different wines and trying out new recipes (I think I always resort back to pesto pasta with chicken and zucchini). On top of that I had a much more positive attitude - my parents and friends noticed a difference in my outlook and when there were times that I fell down I was picking myself right back up. Sure I still dating the wrong guys and having my fair share of heartbreak and disappointment. But through it all I learned more about myself and what I was ultimately looking for in the end.

I have a brand new set of goals this year - some the same from last year, some new and exciting but the theme stays the same - trying to live my best life.

It's definitely a work in progress...

Dear Santaglas

2008-12-23T13:25:00.000-08:00

So in between reading the 3rd book in the Twilight series (yes I am still obsessed, my mother had to slowly back me away from the Twilight display at Borders that was equipped with a full stock of Edward t-shirts) I traveled home from RI to NJ to celebrate Christmas with my family. Sometimes it's hard to get in the spirit when you are at the age that I am. Christmas is so hyped up when you are a little kid that it's sometimes hard to have that same excitement when you are too old for some of the traditions (however I will still be wearing my new christmas eve pjs) yet you don't have a family of your own yet to start the traditions that you enjoyed so much growing up. I was very fortunate that my parents always made Christmas fun and exciting for me and my brother - but of course not without a few hitches along the way.

Christmas 1985 - (Pre-brother) every god damn present under that tree was for me including my full kitchen set which I think is bigger than the own I currently have now.

Christmas 1986 - Now that my baby brother was in the picture the video camera was solely on him and all you could hear in the background was me saying thank you incessantly desperate for any attention. I occasionally gave him a piece of wrapping paper to play with. I'm so giving.

Christmas 1988 - The first time we drove down to Florida to visit my grandparents. Happened to also be the first blizzard Georgia and Northern Florida had seen in over 20 years. I couldn't stop crying thinking that Santa Claus wouldn't be able to find us in a motel while we were stranded.

Christmas 1989 - Our 2nd attempt to drive to Florida - my father wanted to get there so bad he hated to make any "unnecessary stops" along the way. Which resorted to my brother being so thirsty he started drinking out of my doll's baby bottle (which I had to throw up to the front to him since I was traveling in the way back of the suburban with the luggage) (cause my brother got car sick and needed the whole back seat)

Christmas 1991 -I couldn't get enough New Kids on the Block paraphernalia including my oversized door poster. Hmm some things haven't changed much.

Christmas 1993 - My father wasn't always the best at putting things together so I put together all of my brother's gifts including a pool table for the basement - who knew I was so handy with the a screwdriver!

Christmas 1999 - My first Christmas home from college all of my clothes had to be returned after I had gained the freshman 15.

Christmas 2002 - My dad got my mom a "shopping spree" for christmas which included a gift certificate to Lane Bryant. That didn't go over well.

Christmas 2006 - In my effort to be sentimental I had a plaque made for my dad's office commemorating 25 years of his painting and paperhanging business. As he opened it he started bawling his eyes out and none of us knew why. As we all sat there in shock we didn't know what to do so we all started crying.

Christmas 2007 - To bring my extended family closer on Christmas Eve I did what I know best - I started multiple rounds of buttery nipple shots.

There were certainly many more wonderful memories over the years and many generous gifts. (Although my mother was famous for "replacing" brand name items for a more value conscious purchase When I asked for Coach I got Goach. When I asked for Tommy Girl I got Johnny Gal. When I asked for Uggs I got Fuggs ("but they are from Australia!" says my mother...)) And even though my brother and I would tease each other and argue over the holidays last night I found a letter he wrote to Santa all by himself when he was 7.

Dear Santaglas,

I am 7 in a half (then there was an arrow and it said look up and he had added the word This which i think was to start the next sentence) (This) You will find on chrismise eve and give my sister a extra prezint ok, and give me another note ok and santaglas write on the back of this papaer and eat my cookeis if you want to.

from c.f.
to santaglas.

And that is what Christmas is all about.

I'm obsessed.

2008-12-15T17:52:00.000-08:00

With Twilight.

I feel like I'm always slightly behind the latest trend. I was french cuffing my jeans well into middle school when everyone else had moved on to the baggy jeans. I was enjoying bacon and steak on the Atkins diet while everyone had moved onto the South Beach Diet. My friends and I started spending our summers in Manasquan about five years later than everyone else - hence making us the oldest people dancing in the boom boom room at the Osprey. I think you get my point.

Craziness has ensued around me for the last month yet I just recently became aware of this phenomenon of a teenage love story involving a vampire. After seeing how amazingly hot the vampire is in the movie (yes I'm drooling right along with adolescent 14 year olds) I immediately ran out to buy the book which I then finished in 3 days (ok i know that isn't that hard) and have plans to see the movie tomorrow night.

Yet of course I am behind the eight ball because people have already read the entire 4 book SERIES and have seen the movie yet I insist on telling everyone I come into contact with that I just finished book #1. Where have I been? Even the fact that I am writing this post about Twilight after the hundreds of others shows that sometimes I can be 3 steps behind. Whatever. The surprising thing is that I'm not really into this fantasy/scary/hero-esq type of movie. It's the love story that obviously got me. But I can tell you that I'm hooked.

I think they are onto something here with making these fantasy series into movies. Maybe I will give that boy with the round glasses a try. ;)

Rejection Disguised in a Catholic School Uniform

2008-12-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

One of those survey emails was just started by one of my high school friends that asked 5 things that you were doing 10 years ago. 10 years ago would have brought me back to the middle of my senior year in high school. A time in my life where I thought I had come so far yet was already experiencing some of life's little (or major if you asked my 17 year old self) disappointments. Who am I kidding? They are still major if I'm talking about them 10 years later.

First I will share with you the 5 things I was doing 10 years ago - and so important it seemed like they were:

1. Figuring out when I should get my highlights done again .- let's face it. This was extremely important to avoid horrible roots. However I am shocked at how I was able to afford highlights on a regular basis when 1. i can't afford them now and 2. i was working off of a salary of a ymca daycare employee.
2. Listening to Baby One more Time and the Chimney Song with my bff in HS in his car. - We discovered the Chimney Song - and it was the start of our love of vocal house music. And let's just say - 10 years later and I'm still trying to buy Britney tickets.
3. Picking up almost everyone that attended my high school from my home town and squishing them into my 1995 Mitsubishi Gallant to bring them to school each morning.
4. Falling asleep in Mr. Downing's history class.
5. Signing up to be on the prom committee - we will see the aftermath of this in a few minutes.

After we started this list - it got us talking about all of the things we tried to do but were DENIED in high school.

1. Antioch team leaders - being a retreat team leader was somewhat of a social status in high school. However it was kind of ironic because you had to have some kind of sad sob story to get you picked. But then everyone idolized you for it.
2. Fashion show participants. Again another sign of social status. Certain students were "selected" to participate in this annual fashion show fundraiser. It gave girls the opportunity to walk down the runway in a really pretty dress with their hair all done up with a cute buy from class to the song "Wonderful Tonight". Usually the "models" were captains of athletic teams, or President's of certain clubs. Hello? Why wasn't the captain of the colorguard represented??
3. Coffeehouse performers - that one hurt. My bff from number 2 up top and I were a Will and Grace of sorts in high school. We decided that he was going to sing My One True Friend while I played along on the piano. Well besides the fact that we practiced about 5 minutes before our audition we were RUDELY laughed at and cut on the spot immediately. Only to get to the Coffeehouse a month later to see that EVERYONE that performed was horrible. And our friends were on the selection committee.
4. Prom King and Queen - I came close with Prom Princess but then had fake blood thrown on me a la carrie fisher. haha jk. BFF and I of course went to the prom together and I have to say probably did look the best. I made it to Prom Court - which was a feat in itself yet on the way out heard some b**tch say "ohhhh that's why she got it" after I hugged the prom committee moderator. I will f**king kill you.
5. Leads in the play senior year - BFF came way closer to this than i did. We used to sing for hours on end the music to Anthing Goes before the audition. However we changed the words from Anything Goes to "This Really Blows". We were so god damn clever.

Now don't get me wrong - there were many high points in high school as well. I did love being the captain of the colorguard and was a member of the National Honor Society, among other things that defined my true self in HS. However these other things for some reason stayed with me...and it continued in college as I tried so hard to get involved. I guess they were lessons early on that some things were just not meant to be - even if you did practice walking down that damn runway in your mirror a zillion times.

I am thankful for...

2008-12-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

So the holiday season is officially upon us. For me the Christmas season starts the day after Thanksgiving. I did not give in to any of the Christmas nonsense before that - some radio stations were already playing 24 hour Christmas music! Ridiculous. Anyway - so I was home in NJ for the holiday and instead of going on and on about what I did over the few days I was home I figured I would just summarize it in a nice little list of things that happened over the weekend that I am thankful for...

1. No traffic on 95 until my last 45 minutes home - so close yet so far away.
2. The fact that out of all the 97 bars in Hoboken TJ managed to walk into the one that I was in on Thanksgiving Eve.
3. That after the awkward run in I told my new peaceful Swiss friend that he had to fight TJ and while looking so confused kept saying "Vy are vee fighting?"
4. Being put on bathroom duty on Thanksgiving morning after I accidentally turned the oven off while the turkey was cooking.
5. Having so many different pies for dessert that each person had a whole pie to themselves. (back off the apple is mine!)
6. Repeatedly being asked by my uncle "what's wrong with me" in regards to my dating life.
7. On Black Friday sleeping until 11:00 am and after waking up saying - I guess I missed all of the sales.
8. Opting instead to watch all of those "wedding shows" on WE and Oxygen that I don't get in Providence.
9. Going "shopping" in my parents basement for toilet paper, paper towels, garbage bags, and sponges to take back to my apartment.
10. Always knowing that everything is as it should be when I'm at home.

It's Cold Out There

2008-11-21T17:08:00.000-08:00

What's that saying? It's either feast or famine? Pouring buckets or a drought? I recently met someone and knock on wood it's been going really well. I don't want to say too much about it because I'm always superstitious that I will jinx it somehow. However - it seems to be sending out some signal into the dating world that this opportunity has come upon me because all of these past "flings" have resurfaced recently.

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #1 - The French Writer. Met at the new club Shrine at Foxwoods over the summer. I couldn't get past the fact that all we talked about was the fact that he was French. and a Writer. I'm surprised his text message didn't say "hey étranger".

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #2 - Blast from the Past. He surely got the bat call cause I met him in nyc AT LEAST 3 years ago. Took the Chinatown bus up to see me one weekend. Never to be heard from again. Until 2 days ago.

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #3 - The Golf Pro. I must have talked about him before at some point since we have been on and off for at least a year and a half. He is currently thinking we are "on".

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #4 - "John" from post "Tagteam back again". We actually ended up going out one night to this extravagant dinner/show - put on by himself. To not hear from him again until I get this text at 6:40 am. "You are the first thing I think about when I wake up". hahah what? To which I respond "I think you meant to send this to someone else".

Was never in from the cold #5 - Pabsblue - Someone I talked to on an online dating site - literally 3 years ago. Suddenly has resurfaced, has a girlfriend, yet wants to know when he can take me out on the town. Eerily remembers things that I told him when we initially talked. I needed to remind him that 1. he still has a girlfriend and 2. we have never met and 3. is your screenname supposed to be a type of beer?

and last but not least

Would get married to not be left out in the cold #6 - My POF Pilot. When I asked if he could fly for free he responded - yes and when we are married you can too. Then when he didn't hear from me in awhile left a message saying - what did you go off and get married? Whoa. put down the wedding magazines and stop dialing the phone number to a wedding planner.

And I made sure to tell "John" when I saw him on facebook before I went to bed the other night..."You are the last thing I think about before I go to sleep."

You better get your hat and mittens.

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

2008-11-13T15:56:00.000-08:00

So one of my favorite bars called me on Tuesday saying that my name had been picked for one of their VIP parties. What does that exactly mean - well they give you $3 drink specials and some free apps. However there was a twist - whichever VIP host could bring in the most guests would win a $100 bar tab. That my friends, I could definitely use.

So I immediately go into anxiety mode - who would I invite, would anyone actually come? While I have a number of friends from lots of different places in Providence, I didn't have a solid group of people that I knew would definitely come. I decided to create an event on Facebook and adorned it with one of my favorite picks from Southern Bell's wedding - me with the blow up guitar. How could anyone not want to go to a party hosted by me??

So for the first 24 hours I was the only person attending - (I think I invited around 25 people). I was seriously in a full blown panic. Not only was no one coming but everyone could see that no one was replying yes. Thankfully my friend J and his partner agreed to go so I knew that I wouldn't be by myself. A few others trickled in but that was about it. So then I had the dilemma of whether or not I ask my boss to attend. He is on Facebook and I had invited some other people from work that are on Facebook so I knew that he would see it. He already had made a comment about how he wasn't sent my Halloween pics as Sarah Palin - but saw them from someone else. So I decided to go ahead and invite him - and of course by 10:00 pm last night. It was me, J and R, T, and my boss. Exceellllleeennt.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. (which I totally will when its only me and my gays - at least I know they are loyal).

This Love Will Last Forever

2008-11-06T20:49:00.000-08:00

I just got home from one of the most surreal experiences that I've had in awhile. I just attended the New Kids on the Block concert. Jordan, Jon, Joey, Danny and Donnie. Back together again. Life really is good.

A few things I noticed:

About 95% of the attendees were women in their late twenties - early forties
About 90% of the 95% were about 20 pounds + overweight.
About 80 % of the 90% designed some kind of puff paint/scanned photo/highlighter matching NKOTB shirt with their friends.
About 75% of the 80% we could not distinguish whether their "throwback" to the eighties was a costume or how they really dress.
About 100% had been preparing for this night since they listened to "I'll be loving you forever" on their walkman (on repeat) the night their boyfriend broke up with them in middle school.

I have to say - age has been good to all 5 of the New Kids - all were extremely hot. I fell in love all over again. I screamed my head off like I was 10 years old again sitting in my living room watching the Hangin Tough video.

The bizarre part was that it was all exactly the same. They sounded the same - My heart skipped a beat when Jordan went into his falsetto. They were even dressed the same as they were 15 years ago. Joey in his classic skinny black tie, Danny in his muscle tee, Donnie in his chains and Red Sox hat, Jon in his button down still looking like the stage is the last place on earth he wants to be, and Jordan with his flowing unbuttoned shirt.

And of course the dance moves were the same - the right stuff hand in belt side step, the arm swinging hangin tough, the 87 pivot turns while they stand in a row, and Joey belting out Please Don't Go Girl while on his knees - it was like I was watching it 15 years ago and everything was the same - just that they were slightly older and hotter. I loved every minute of it.

Donnie pulled a sign out from the crowd because he thought the simple words had such a lasting impact on him. That never in his wildest dreams would he think they would be back here in this moment. Who knew that as a grown woman I would be screaming my head off for the five guys I loved in the 4th grade. Just as that sign said - This Love Will Last Forever.

Change Apparently Wears a Size 2XL

2008-11-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

So I am sitting in my apartment watching the results of one of the most significant elections in history. I am very excited (still very nervous) about what this can mean for our country. Change is definitely upon us whether that change is good or bad. (except wtf is up with CNN talking to people via hologram during the election results).

I think change is funny. People are so scared of it yet it happens all the time. My ten year high school reunion is approaching next year and it makes me think about how much things have changed since those days when I hugged all my closest friends good bye and we all approached the next adventure in our lives when we spread across the east coast and headed to college.

Because I have a disease that I call ODT (obsessive to do) I decided to take over planning our reunion. (usually this is up to the President of the Class but I completely disregarded that minor detail).

So in my true ODT fashion I sent out an email on behalf of the "committee" to the entire class. All of these people who I never talked to in HS were sending me emails at how appreciative they were of my planning. I truly believe that I am going to relive my entire 4 years in one night (a la romy and michelle's high school reunion) The only nasty email I got was from this one girl who seriously came up to my left boob in height, had hair down to her knees and who I thought was a lesbian for all four years but turns out she got married to a man. woops.

Her lovely note:

"Whoa did you seriously think it was ok to publish my email address to all these people?

And you got my name wrong.

You may want to consider getting people’s permission before shotgun blasting their contact information around the world. I don’t want any of these people knowing how to talk to me."

In which I wanted to respond with - Whoa, did you actually think anyone was looking to contact you and have you gone for a haircut yet? But I was nice and simply told her I would take her off the list.

Anyway...back to change. So in the meantime I have also been friend requesting people on Facebook. And I came across something that scarred me for life. My high school crush. Let's just say that my beautiful, tall, charismatic boy of a crush doesn't quite look like he used to. So much so that I almost didn't recognize him. Now I'm 100 % sure that I wasn't the only girl with braces and in the marching band that drooled over him so I am very concerned about him making his grand entrance at our reunion. He will for sure upset many people (probably all of the closeted high school gays as well) So I decided to write him a letter.

Dear Love of My Life,

I recently came across your facebook profile and was quite taken aback from what my eyes saw. In fact I believe my exact words were "My eyes, my eyes!" as I covered my face in horror. In high school you were the image of perfection and now you are just a rather large image. I am concerned. Very concerned. I cannot, will not, let the love of my life enter our high school reunion looking like he ate the rest of the football team for dinner. So. We have decided to have an intervention. We have called the Biggest Loser - they just so happen to be doing a special on reunions. Allison is waiting in the car outside. Just put down the hot dog and beer and do this for all of us. I know that there is that lean, muscular, heartbreaker underneath those layers and he's just waiting to bust out and show his classmates that he is just as much of a hottie now that he was in high school.

All my love,

Sarah

P.S. I made sure to order low carb apps for the reunion.

** It only took me about 3 hours to write this post because I kept getting distracted. We just found out that Barack Obama just won the election. Change is good. :)

swimming with the fishes

2008-10-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

So my friend just convinced me to try this new dating sight called Plentyoffish.com. Which I can never remember and so far have called it

-I love the fishes
-Lots of fish in the sea
-I eat fish
-Look at my pet fish

It's a free dating site. And since free = for me I couldn't resist. So after I quickly put my profile together and signed up I started hearing from people. I have just found my latest procrastinating technique at work. This is going to do some serious damage.

Currently I get easily distracted by
- checking my hotmail account every 30 seconds.
-having multiple conversations on aim
-checking facebook statuses
-planning my high school reunion
-checking up on my jewelry orders
-paying bills
-checking cnn.com so i can sound knowledgeable

umm i think that might be it for now. Since that took up about 65% of my time - my newest discovery of slippery fish definitely upped that to about 85%.

Ok - so since this site is free and slightly ghetto the graphics are not really up to par and they seriously display about 50 pictures across your screen at the same time. Ok goldfish - you are not making this easy to be discreet at work.

Then they have this im feature where guys can instantly contact you and the box pops up on your screen. And unlike aim where you can control if the screen is minimized or not - this im box pops up every single time someone says something. At one point my boss was looking at my screen over my shoulder about something and I was literally praying that one of these little pesky boxes didn't fly up.

I'll have to keep you posted on my success on this site. I will be sure to tally how many forty year olds guys who take pictures of themselves through the mirror contact me.

Did I mention that I don't like fish?

Tagteam Back Again

2008-10-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry. I know. I have disappeared. For the 2 people that read my blog on a consistent basis I have no excuse. I've actually been busy. I feel like so much has happened yet in the end so much is still the same.

To bring us all up to speed:

My mother has become my wingwoman and we almost got into a fight at a bar. I know - those two statements should not even be said apart let alone within the same sentence. My parents made one of their routine treks up to Providence for a visit. Their visits usually consist of the same things: lots of eating (usually italian), shopping at the PP mall, waterfire, and me sleeping on the couch. Anyway - so after dinner we decide to go to one of my favorite bars to watch the red sox/devil rays game. Ok my dad wanted to watch the game - I wanted to watch all of the cute guys watching the game.

So as we are standing there, I notice these two guys behind me. I also notice this 40 something probably approaching 50 something woman sit down at a nearby table with her girlfriend. She is totally trying to pick up the guys behind me in her true cougar style.

Hahah unfortunately I don't have a picture of this woman but I found this one to be so hysterical because the caption underneath was "If a rabid cougar wins Dancing With the Stars are you out?" The answer is yes.

So now I'm totally eavesdropping on their convo as she sauntered over to the guys. She is pretending the she knows them from somewhere and then I hear her say that she is a pole dancer. That's right a pole dancer. Oh wait. Did I mention that her arm was in a cast? Hahaha I can't even stop laughing writing this. So the guys are just entertaining her and then she goes back to her table. My mom and I are definitely glancing over (ok staring) in her direction because she is just a sight to see. I hear her saying John! John! Come over here! (she already was holding the other one captive with her one cougar paw). So I look at "John" and he tells me that is name isn't really John and that him and his friend told her that my mom was in fact their mom and that we were all family.

So we are laughing about it and all of a sudden cougar lady comes over with her prey (he definitely looked like he had been mauled at) and she starts rambling about how she "just came out to have a good time" and that her friend's son is dying (ok and you come to a sports bar) and that they "went out to take their mind off of things" and that there is "definitely some animosity here". So we all look at each and are like "no, no" "no animosity here" and then she says "well i want to hear it from her. and her" pointing at me and then my mom. so my mom and i are trying to hold back from laughing (i don't know if it was more that someone was picking a fight with us or the fact that the person had her arm in a cast) and we say "no - no animosity from us either". Not completely believing us she is looking around at everyone trying to be reassured. So eventually she is convinced and she decides to give us all fist pumps (even my dad at the bar who has no idea what is going on). Oh. I forgot to say that when she came over for her confrontation she had a mouth full of food and as she was yapping there was food/spit flying everywhere. Quite lovely.

So after our run-in with the cougar pole dancer we were able to get back to picking up these two gentlemen. Mom has had a few martinis so she is up out of her seat and we have started talking about her favorite topic - the election. She actually did really well fulfilling her wingwoman duties by talking to the one guy while I tried to charm the other one ("John"). The friend was being a good sport and actually was entertaining my mother. Not everyone would have done well in that situation (me out with my parents) but these guys were able to handle it pretty well - impressive.

At the end of the night we were a success - I gave "John" my number and avoided getting into a brawl with a cougar who dances on poles with one arm. What a team.

Update - "John" turned out to be an ass almost immediately after that night. I should have let the cougar eat him.

Providence Socialite?

2008-10-06T18:17:00.001-07:00

So I have reached new heights here in the city of Providence. I have sadly been living here long enough that I run into at least 2-3 people that I know every time I go out (one of them I probably made out with), I have gone to the same hair dresser, mechanic, dry cleaners, eye brow lady, gyno, nail salon for the last 5-6 years that I'm known by name as one of their regular customers (although at the nail salon she calls me Kim and I never corrected her).

But this month I made a breakthrough (I would say equal to being in US Weekly) my picture was featured in the party pics section of the popular Providence Monthly magazine that is up on all the hottest restaurants, shopping, and nightlife in Providence. I have done it - I've officially visited these "hot spots" frequently enough that they caught my picture and published it for all to see. Of course it's not the best picture of me (lets just say it's not facebook worthy). I mean I don't look horrible but i'm smiling extra big and my cheeks are a bright shade of red. Of course I'm being featured next to the Lebanese silver medalist. Remember him? (see post "Here's to Winter). Funny how by the time this magazine went to print we were no longer speaking. He probably just said something really inappropriate and I was fake smiling/slightly embarrassed hence the look on my face.

However - since the magazine was published I have gained celebrity status in the little city. So far I've been noticed by:

1. The trainers at the gym - I'm not going to lie - I'm probably pinned up in their locker but that's not saying much.

2. The women at my new nail salon (I had to leave the other one because even though my old one loved me as "Kim" i didn't love how they never had time to give me a mani/pedi).

3. The valet guy at a nightclub.

4. My former students at J&W - who had a hearty laugh at my expense. (Although it did spark the idea for them to nominate me for the magazine's February issue - Providence's Most Eligible Bachelors and Bachelorettes - I've only been dying to be in that issue for years. literally.)

Although - the best part of my new claim to fame has to be the title of the issue that I graced the pages of - "The Cheap Issue"

God I can't get a break in this town.

It's Arts and Crafts Bad

2008-09-29T17:07:00.001-07:00

I am very nervous about the economy right now - as is everyone else. It's actually something that I am actually following on the news and online (please pick your mouth up from the floor). People are losing their jobs, they aren't able to retire, credit is going out the window - it's pretty bad. However, nothing was more disturbing when I saw what my father had been working on recently. As I walked onto the porch of my parent's house in NJ I all of a sudden see all of these art supplies (posterboard, stencils (in all letter sizes), markers, a ruler, etc.) It was a la one of my 5th grade projects that I worked so diligently on.

As I got a closer look I start to make out the stenciled words on the paper. Crayon Colors, Painting and Paperhanging. I am flabbergasted and distraught at what my eyes are seeing. (Crayon Colors is my father's painting and paperhanging business that he has had for oh let's say maybe 25-30 years?) I turn to my mother and say "What the hell is this" and she starts to laugh and explains that my father went out and bought these supplies at staples to make signs to hang around town. I said "WHAT!?" Are you kidding me? Ok even I know how to make a sign on publisher with a little clip art - nothing fancy and then can take it to Staples to have some nice color copies made.

And the word price was cut off at the end of the sign. Like when you didn't judge how long your ruler line was and started your bubble letters all nice and big and fluffy and when you got to the end of "Sarah Loves Johnny Forever" it's really more of a "Sarah Loves Johnny Fore" oh shit I ran out of room.

The worst part was my dad started to completely justify his crafty sign making. I believe his exact words were "People are looking for cheap these days" and his hodge podge sign would attract them to call up his business. Later they come to find out either a 12 year old or a gaggle of Mexicans is running his shop based on their advanced marketing pieces.

I had to take a picture just for you to see this horrible sight. I then took the sign back up to Providence with me to make a new one on publisher or gasp maybe even photoshop (which my father would probably think was an actual photo. shop.)

So folks - you know things are bad when my father has resorted back to the 5th grade to promote his 25 year old painting and paperhanging business. Someone please get this man a glossy flyer.

I think I've sampled every nut.

2008-09-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was home in NJ and as always it was action packed. I tend to like to schedule a million things into a 48 hour weekend that I end up literally running from one thing to another. This weekend was no different. I recently started selling jewelry through one of those home show companies (haha because I have sooo much free time) and my mom was hosting my first show at our house so I ran to Costco with her (only after having a meeting at the Marriott for my ten year high school reunion and stopping at the mall for a new fall coat).

As soon as we get there I make a beeline for all of the sample stations - obviously the best part of any Costco shopping trip. I was immediately disappointed to only find a swiss cheese station, italian wedding soup station, and an assorted nut station (poor showing Costco). So I go over to the assorted nuts and am sampling the cinammon sugar covered almonds and butter rum pecans and I see out of the corner of my eye this steroid loving muscle man with tatoos all over his arms looking at me. I turn around to leave and he says to me "those are some good nuts right?" and I kind of mumble "yeah they are". Thinking that our interaction was over (and contemplating whether or not to turn around for one more sugar almond) I decide to try to find another sample station. As I'm walking away my tattoo man starts to follow me and all of a sudden says "hey you dropped something" and as I turn around he is picking up a piece of paper off the ground. He hands it to me and I'm just staring at it realizing that he has just handed me his phone number. Just to clarify tattoo man says "It's my phone number". I say oh thanks and proceed to run to try to find my mother where I say "Mother F-er" "We need to leave immmeeediately." I swear this only happens to me - I attract weirdos wherever I go.

Here is the number on the floor reinactment (very law and order)

After my mother had a good chuckle about this we examine the piece of paper which has CLEARLY been sitting in his back pocket for a long time (I mean it is rare to see someone as stunning as I stuffing her face with nuts at Costco) however it was quite disturbing that he was so prepared for our run-in.

Of course my mother thinks I need to start touring all of the Costco's for eligible bachelors. I mean honestly - why can't a handsome, smart, funny, not afraid of commitments man start dropping his phone number at my feet? Because that's not how the world works. It will continue to make me sample every nut on this planet until the right one comes along.

Costco, stock up.

Hotlanta Hates Us (But we tried oh so hard to love it anyway)

2008-09-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

Soooo I just got back from a weekend in Hotlanta to witness yet another one of my friends bite the dust and get hitched. I was super excited to see my friend, but with the way my current dating state of affairs has been was hesitant to be around all the lovey dovey stuff. Apparently Hotlanta was not feeling my arrival either.

I was traveling down with T who was the third of our Fab Four group. At one point in time we were a force to be reckoned with in Providence - myself, T, southern bell, and our fourth friend Foxywhite (that is her "business" name and I'm mortified every time she introduces herself as such). Unfortunately southern bell moved back to Hotlanta to be with her now husband and the Fab Four never quite survived her departure. Foxy didn't make the trip so it was just me and T in the great ATL!

So T and I got our big asses up at 4:30 in the morning to make it to the Boston airport for our 7:30 flight. I force us to both wear our University of Georgia t-shirts that southern bell sent us for Christmas to show good Georgia spirit. I was only able to fake the answers to approximately two questions when asked about the football team. ("Is there a game today?" "yes." aaaannndd hmmm ok maybe just one question). We get on the plane and there is something about planes that makes me extremely drousy. I proceed to pass out while we sat on the runway for an hour. There is a problem with one of the wings (reassuring) but I'm in such a deep sleep i have no idea what is going on (I'm sure if I was fully alert I would have wanted to exit the plane immediately) Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #1.

We finally get to ATL but have definitely missed the bridal brunch and I'm cursing the fact that I'm not sipping on a mimosa at this point. We go to get our luggage and of course mine is nowhere to be found. I'm trying to describe my oh so cute vera bradley suitcase in the java blue print to the "I have no empathy for anyone" Airtran employee and she is making me decide if there is more blue or brown in the pattern - which if anyone knows what I'm talking about there is a completely even mixture of both. And if I had to say "yes by pattern I mean a print" one more time I thought I was going to scream. Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #2

We finally get to the hotel and southern bell is so excited to see us as we are her. We hang around in her suite for awhile but eventually are so starving that we need to order room service for lunch. T and I go back to our room to wait for our food. And wait. And wait. And watch this horrible original lifetime movie starring freddy prinze jr. And wait. We decide to call and see what's going on before we really lose it and come to find out our order was never placed. Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #3.

After we ate a delicious lunch paid for by the Westin we get ready for the big event. We are told there are no shuttles to the ceremony so the best bet is to take a cab. All spruced up and trying not to break a sweat in the 95 degree weather we pile into a cab and ask Habnam Prhtghmrt to take us to the Trolley Barn. He then tells us that he has no idea where that is. Neither does the bellman, the security officer or anyone on the entire Westin hotel staff (ok i'm exagerrating but seriously isn't that what these people are there for). I proceed to have a mini hissy fit and storm back upstairs to our room to get the address from our little welcome bag.(I already ate about 5 snickers and chex mix) By the time I get back the bellman had already printed out directions for our cab driver which pissed me off even more. Apparently mapquest directions didn't help either because we still got lost - and then I saw that he had a navigation system sitting on the passenger seat the whole time. (What??). Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #4.

We make it to the ceremony and run down to catch a glimpse of southern bell who looks absolutely stunning. We then grab our seats for the big moment. The ceremony is all well and nice until the officiant starts talking about southern bell needing to be submissive to her new hubby and that he is the head of the household and she needs to respect him blah blah blah. I look over at T with this horrified look in my face (sorry sb! everything else was so so lovely) like what did he just say and did we take a plane this morning to 1954? Still not quite over my initial shock I looked around to see everyone smiling and nodding along. Scrambling to pick my chin up off the floor I realized that we might of as well had "Northerner" signs stapled to our cute floral dresses at that point. Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #5.

T and I quickly run to the champagne table during the cocktail hour and began downing as many peach bellini's that we could. Despite the slim number of single guys at the wedding the rest of the evening involved great food and dancing. One of southern bell's friends that she had told me about awhile ago was in attendance. (she also believes he is my "soul mate") (he also now has a girlfriend) (who is a stage 5 clinger). However in my drunken state by the end of the night I was able to go up to him while she was off getting another beverage and introduced myself as his soul mate. riiighht. That would be funny if the story ended right there yet he then proceeded to email me on mypsace the next day. I love how I attract unavailable men (in every meaning of the word) all over the country. Yet, the night was not complete without a 300 pound black man named Sammy that worked for the catering company coming up to me and in his souther drawl said "Missss Southeeerrrn Bell (haha he actually used her real name but that would have been funny if he called her that) told me that I could have one dance this eeevenin and I want that dance to be with yoouuu." Mother Fucker. Despite my initial reaction he really was very sweet and thankfully our "dance" was to some fast jay z song so we were able to keep the holy ghost between us. Hotlanta maybe doesn't hate us but likes to fuck with us sign #6

Let's just say the rest of the weekend included the following:

-Being picked up by four businessmen from Texas at the Hard Rock Cafe (Old Man Texan, Single Texan, Married Texan, and Quiet Texan that wore a cigarette over each ear).

-Proceeded to be grilled by Old Man Texas on questions such as what the population of Providence is, what my interests are (and kept insisting it was boys like a broken record as I tried to answer), and if i know where the Red River is (no but I will kill you and throw you in it in about 3 seconds).

-Then proceeded to get into an indepth discussion with the Single Texan about why the officiant told southern bell to be submissive. (I'm still not convinced) (Plus he looked like Slade from Real Housewives from Orange County - absolutely no credibility).

- Then proceeded to find a 24 hour diner with karaoke with Married Texan and Quiet Texan in which I of course became the star of the show.

-Brought a little NJ to ATL with Living on a Prayer (however it was slightly ruined by the high pitched singing of my Atlanta Gay that insisted on singing with me.) (i know. as soon as I walked in he recognized me as America's Hag. where was the paparazzi?)

Ok well maybe Hotlanta DID love us by the time we left. I mean what city would bring us four Texans, an Atlanta gay and 24 hours of karaoke in one night?

Oh and on the flight home we had to remain seated when we landed so that four state troopers could come on board and arrest a man for an unknown "altercation" with a flight attendant.
Nevermind. Hotlanta hates us.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

2008-09-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Tortured me on my ride home. I had to drive the rest of the way home with the overhead light on and my body rigid while the creepy thing crawled all over the place. Since this was at about 10:00 at night I had just about had it with this Monday.

After my extremely boring weekend I lined up all my ducks in a row to get ready for the week ahead. My apartment was clean, my clothes clean, groceries for the week. I was on top and ready to start Monday.

Well apparently Monday wanted none of it:

7:30 am - I go to take the turkey out to make my lunch and it's frozen. Completely frozen. I decide to try to defrost it by putting it above the pot of pasta I was making (I know - I'm crazy but I wasn't going to be home for dinner so I needed to pack that too) and proceeded to burn my hand. I resorted to breaking off a chunk of frozen turkey and slapping it on a slice of wheat bread with hope that it would defrost by the time I ate it.

9:20 am - After my boss tortured me for weeks about these welcome baskets I put together for freshmen he wanted me to take a picture of them. After I sent the picture I got this email: "Hmmmm not working for me. I have my camera here if you want to try again." deep breath in, deep breath out.

1:00 pm - Go to the doctor for a physical. On my lunch hour. HOUR. With my laundry list of ailments in tow I knew I was in trouble when they didn't even have me go into the room until 1:30. The doctor finally comes in - asks me a few questions and then tells me to get undressed while he goes to get something. He mumbles a lot so it sounded like "mmbmbmb get bmbmbmb undressed bmbmbmbm be right back mbmbm. So i'm sitting there in the gown and I can honestly feel my blood pressure rising as i count the minutes go by and no sign of the doctor. What are the rules with that? Is there a certain amount of time that goes by before you can go outside in the hall and ask for help with your bare ass out there for the doctor's office to see? Then you try interpreting every sound. Which door is opening? Is it mine? No. Who is talking in the next room? Is it the doctor? Is he seeing another patient?? It's enough to make you insane. You have this whole speech prepared in your head about how doctor's need to respect their patient's time and blah blah blah. Yet when he comes in you say nothing. Finally he comes back and we proceed through the ackward procedure. I then try to convince him that I have thyroid problems (trouble losing weight, always cold, needing 12 hours a sleep a night). Apparently my doctor wasn't convinced and mumbled something about going on the South Beach diet. thanks.

2:40 - I speed back into work and didn't have time to drop off a care package (i stole one of the freshman welcome baskets) for my cousin who started as a freshman at Quinnipiac. I then lug it to the on campus post office which has already closed. So then I lug it back. I'm the new ups girl apparently.

6:30 - I go see my trainer. Which is not my red headed boyfriend. He quit/was fired (still in question) and didn't even say goodbye. And now he won't return my calls or answer my facebook emails. I now have Kim. Who is very good. YET she kicks my ass every time. No more pouting or trying to get out of exercises. She means business and I'm in trouble.

Which brings me to 10:00 pm when I'm driving home from visiting the sorority that I started to advise after training them on recruitment (that's a whole other story) and discover the spider taking up camp on my dashboard and laughing in my face at how ridiculous my ridiculous day was ending.

side note - I do realize that this was posted on Tuesday - I was so exhausted/pissed off that I couldn't bring myself to finish it last night. oh. and the spider is still on the loose in my car.

VMA's = WTF?

2008-09-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

OK - The VMA's were seriously messed up this year. This is honestly one of the most atrocious shows that airs on television.

1. Are they in a garage? Why is it so small? MTV definitely had some budget cuts.
2. I am seriously let down by all the Britney hype. She said two lines.
3. Rihanna literally sounded disturbed. not good.
4. What the fuck was up with "speidi" (a la Spencer and Heidi). They should be killed.
5. I wish I could have legs like Demi at age 45. Heck I wish I could have legs like that now.
6. The Jo Bros are performing on a sound stage that resembles any sitcom that aired in the last 10 years. I don't get this. What is going on?
7. Who is this host? I thought he was in that movie - but is this how he is like all the time? I thought that was just a character.
8. Michael Phelps should just stick to swimming. and did he walk out with headphones on or earmuffs?
9. Thank god for Tivo - I was able to fast forward through all of the rap performances.
10. DID ANYONE PRACTICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO SAY?? No one can read off of the teleprompter.

I'm sorry. I can't watch anymore. Sadly I will never get these 68 minutes back.

update - i lied. i did watch a little bit more and did see Pink. who redeemed the entire show. she rocked it and i love her.

I'm bored out of my mind..

2008-09-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

Ok - so it is definitely a Saturday night and I'm admitting to writing in my blog. I blame it on the hurricane outside.

TBS must have known I was home bored out of my mind so they have already played Failure to Launch for me and now My Best Friend's Wedding. So I'm watching My Best Friend's Wedding and first of all this movie is a lot funnier than I remembered but there were also a few disturbing things that came to mind:

1. Julia Roberts plays a 27 year old in this movie. For some reason I think I thought she was supposed to be a lot older but her and Michael's "pact" was to get married before they turned 28. Suddenly this movie became a lot more relevant.
2. How the hell did she fit that zack morris cell phone into her clutch at the wedding?
3. Which of all my gays would I pick to be my leading gay man? I would have to hold some kind of competition.
4. Cameron Diaz definitely had a few extra lb's when she first started out. Not that I'm judging. But I am.

I don't think I have it in me to watch the next TBS selection The Perfect Man. Two words: Hilary Duff.

Here's to Winter

2008-08-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend my mom came up to visit me in good old Providence. I have a really good relationship with my mom so I was looking forward to her visit - although i had to mentally prepare myself for comments regarding my eating habits, the state of my apartment, and of course my dating life - which I knew were inevitable.

So mom arrives on Thursday night and while I go to work the next day she begins to tear my apartment apart. Now I don't consider myself a really messy person but I guess with the fabulous lifestyle I have (haha jk) it's hard to keep some of the real nitty gritty cleaning up. So when I get home I sit down to my first lecture - "Sarah you have stay on top of the dust" (ok so i may have noticed some dust balls the size of small rodents) "Sarah you have to pull the stove away from the wall sometimes" (ok she may have found enough seasonings that fell behind there to make a top chefesq entree) and finally "Sarah you have to take the time to put away your clothes" (ok I might have had so many clothes on the floor I could have clothed those dustball rodents".) So after the cleaning lecture we let the fun begin.

We decided to drive into Boston with my good friend J and his boyfriend R. First we take a walk down Newbury St. where mom kindly treats me to the 5 for $25 deal at Vicky's Secret so that I could throw away some of my old granny underpants (another thing she noticed during the cleaning frenzy) and some new clothes at H&M. Not my first choice for a clothing excursion but when mom is buying I don't argue. And this store was a ton better than the one at the mall when I have to find my size in a pile of clothes on the floor.

So then we head to dinner and of course I am taken aback at our gorgeous waiter, Pete. Pete looks like someone who auditioned for the role of Danny Zucko on that show "You're the One that I Want" so I was always expecting him to break out into song when he came to the table. J's favorite activity is to play matchmaker so he proceeded to try to make conversation with him the entire time. Well Pete wasn't too smart because at one point he came over and asked us if we wanted dessert and we hadn't even gotten our meals yet. We proceeded to laugh in his face and I swear he ran away and cried in the bathroom. J wants to tell him that he's hot. Mom tells him not to because then Pete will get so flustered that he will mess up all of his other orders for the evening and then will go home and kill himself. (mom! who knew she had such a disturbed mind although I swear we were laughing for like 10 minutes after she said that). So after we were finished harassing Pete we then left and made our way to a comedy club. We landed a seat in the front row so I thought for sure we were going to have a few laughs at our expense. (the best kind). Sadly - the comedians were horrible! I could have gotten up there and done better - Pete the waiter was effortlessly funnier than these guys.

The next night mom and I went to Watefire, a unique event to providence where they light fires along the canal. I know it sounds like a pyromaniac's heaven but it really is a nice event. We go on this boat ride on the canal and since the fire's were just lit mom was convinced we were going to catch on fire. We are taking pictures of each other but when i suggest we have a picture taken together she says no, that's queer. She also makes a comment that people might think we are in the lesbian boat because these two women behind us (who look like mother and daughter) are holding hands the entire time.

After we avoid getting our hair lit on fire we then make our way over to one of my favorite bars for some after fire drinks. Ok so a few days ago I met this guy from Lebanon who has not stopped texting me. So mom says - tell him to come meet us for a drink. I ponder and think this could go really really well or horribly bad. So I decide to take my chances invite him and he quickly agrees. He starts telling us all about how he won the silver medal in the olympics (in like '88 - you do the math) for taekwondo. and all about the movie he is premiering in october. (something about a woman with AIDS infecting men cause she hates them) I had heard all about this the first time i met him and apparently those are his two favorite topics to talk about. things went surprisingly well except for the fact that he didn't offer to buy us drinks - which was a big no no in mom's book. The other thing to point out is that he has been texting this other girl i know and she also showed up at the bar so that was a nice little awkward Lebanese combo.

Meanwhile I have a slight crush on the bartender and I am majorly using mom to score some points. He keeps forcing martinis on her and then we decide to all do a shot together. So he tells my mom to pick what we are going to toast to. Now mom doesn't do well with thinking of things on the spot so she says something like "here's to the end of the year, summer being over." i look at her like THAT is what you thought of?? we have the hottest bartender in providence buying us a shot and THAT is what you say?? Later on she says well what i could have said is "Here's to my daughter finding a husband." haha touche`. So after I almost die of embarrassment hot bartender smiles and says...I like it, "Here's to Winter". oy.

Diddily Dicking

2008-08-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

My trainer at the gym accused me of this today. Sometimes he says things that are kind of random and this day wasn't any different. So why was I so called "diddily dicking"? Well over the weekend as I was getting my drink at the bar I got so excited at the song that came on that I decided to skip back to where my friends were standing. Since I had already pulled some kind of muscle the week before my body clearly couldn't handle the skip so my hip gave out and I pretty much turned what was supposed to be a whimsical fun movement into a clumsy, ungraceful, pathetic way to enter a room. So now I'm limping around like an old woman. It's very attractive.

Pause - I don't know if I have told you yet that I pretty much invest all of my mediocre income into a 20 year old red head ordering me around so that i can try to lose weight. My trainer and i have a love/hate relationship. I enjoy yelling at him when he makes me do things like the plank (this horrible exercise where I am basically on my elbows trying to hold my fat ass up in the air for more than 15 seconds) or these things called mountain climbers (because seriously would I ever climb a mountain in real life or for pretend. i didn't think so) but I honestly would miss him if i didn't see him on a regular basis. I swear. Plus - he's probably the most consistent hetero male in my life at the moment. Sad, but true. Except I am constantly reminded on how we would never be in the same social circles. I was told I was too old to be invited to any of his parties. ouch.

So anyway - after he said this ridiculous phrase and still not sure really what it meant it made me think how this phrase could apply to a wide variety of moments that I have experienced lately.

Diddily Dick Moment #1

I approach a guy I hung out with the night before after I see him park him and his group of friends on the beach right behind me and my friends (a pure accident) in a "light and breezy" way just to say hi. I had this whole plan worked out that would time our "run in" completely right. Of course things cannot be that easy and now we have been within a few feet of each other for pretty much the whole morning. I decide to approach him while him and his friends are about to leave the beach. Like a deer in headlights as he sees me approach he completely shuts down and/or almost goes into cardiac arrest and stands like a statue while I am scraping for words to make this any less awkward. For a split second I think - is the sun shining on me in a way that makes me unrecognizable from the night before? Haha of course not - I just have apparently broken the cardinal rule. Never make any form of contact in broad daylight. Was I diddily dicking or was he?

Diddily Dicking Moment #2

When I'm on the beach all I really crave is an Italian ice. Last summer mango was my flavor. This summer it is key lime pie. It is so refreshing I'm in heaven every time I eat it. THAT IS when they have it in stock. This poor twelve year old girl (yes they use child labor) working the ice stand had to endure the wrath of me when she told me that they were all out of key lime ice that day. Basically after blurting out every explicative that I could think of and I threw in a "I will fucking kill you" under my breath the girl looked like I had just transformed into the monster that used to hide under her bed. I am a huge diddily dick.

Diddily Dicking Moment #3

At work the other day I had to use the bathroom for evil. I try to avoid this at all costs but just couldn't get around it this day. All of a sudden the toilet is making this gurgling noise and I can seriously hear it laughing at me like "hahah you thought you were going to get away with this but I will make this the worst day of your life". I start to break out into a sweat because I honestly would escape through the back door and never return if the toilet started to overflow. I take a deep breath and say a quick prayer while I make another attempt to flush. It all starts to go down and I honestly almost get down on my knees thanking god for sparing me from what could have clearly been one of my most embarrassing days. Diddily Dicking at its best.

24 Hours in the Windy City

2008-08-12T06:29:00.000-07:00

I think that I did the craziest thing in my life this past weekend.

It all started when I was at my friend L's wedding on the beach in Rhode Island. I was there with our other good friend B. We were sharing a hotel room with his friend E. The wedding was beautiful and we were having a great time. I started talking about how I've been dying to go to Chicago...B and I were talking about when we could possibly go and all of a sudden E says let's just go tonight! E apparantly has some money and was actually willing to buy the three of us tickets as well as book us a hotel room at the swank W hotel for no reason whatsoever. I immediately say I'm in. Chicago + free = totally for me. I was psyched.

He has his "secretary" (does anyone still really use that term anymore) book us the flights and we were only able to get one for 6:30 in the morning. So we continue to enjoy the wedding and the bars afterward. We were pretty typsy and decide to go to sleep for an hour or so. We wake up at 4:30 in the morning and still in a slight drunkin daze manage to get ourselves together to head to the airport. Things were kind of frenzied because B of course didn't have any of his things packed.

We get to the airport kind of late and there is mad chaos inside. I have never seen so many people at 6:00 in the morning. We make it to security - I had decided to carry my bag on. (my bag that included my dress from the night before and a tank top and shorts and pretty much that's it) when i realized that i had all of my toiletries not in the little containers that they were supposed to be in. we are now majorly late for our flight and in a panic i run back over to the check in counter to see if i can get my bag checked. i am able to and i manage to scurry back through security and onto our flight. We have to change planes in Philadelphia and i pray that my bag is along for the ride.

11:30 a.m. - We arrive in the great city of Chi-ca-go. My bag is nowhere to be found. The lady at the desk is no help to me whatsoever and I'm getting ready to wind my hand back to slap her and say I will f--king kill you when B finds my bag just laying all by it's lonesome on another carousel. Slap averted.

12:24 p.m. - Our car service (yes that's correct) drops us off at the W hotel and I seriously am doubting whether they were going to let us stay in such a nice place when we looked like vagrants.

2:06 p.m. - After walking down the Magnificent Mile and having lunch B and I decide to take a much needed nap.

5:40 p.m. - Refreshed we head to Market Days which is the largest gay festival in Chicago and is located in Boys Town. I knew I had landed in Boys Town when the mural on the wall was a Bud Light ad with two guys and the words "Be who you are".
pause - I forgot to add that my friend B and his friend E are both homosexuals and that the caveat to me going on this all expenses paid getaway was that i suck it up and be a lesbian. i mean dress like a lesbian. which i was since all i had in my bag was two wifebeaters (one white and one orange) and a pair of cacki shorts. It was either between that or my party dress from the night before and look like a drag queen.

6:58 p.m. - I am drunk on some mysterious green concoction that the gays keep feeding me. Gay boys are coming up to me left and right like moths to a flame. For a second I feel like Kathy Griffin, but cuter. The bar we are at has this fabulous activity set up where we all have numbers on our shirts and people can write notes to each other. I pretty much threaten this one gay boy into writing me a note which I then flaunt to every person I see after that.

7:16 p.m. - A boy dressed as a lifeguard and nothing but a speedo on comes in and somehow we start talking. I make some comment on how he wouldn't be interested in me. He gets all solemn and almost like the room got dark and there was a light shining on him he says "you never know - things are not always as they appear." i am so confused at this statement and as he is running away i'm shouting - wait! does that mean that you are straight???

7:55 p.m. - A gay man who honestly looks like Frankenstein tells me that I'm beautiful. I am flattered.

8:32 p.m. - Another group of guys and one girl walk in. One of the guys is very cute so me in my all new confident attitude walks right up to him and tells him that I think he's hot. I go on and on about how I know he doesn't care what I think but I just needed to say it. He looks at me and says "I'm straight". I almost fall over for my prayers have been answered. I have found the one straight guy that walked in through those doors.

10:07 p.m. - After doing 2 Irish car bombs I am now teetering on the brink of becoming sick. Thankfully knowing my limits at my age I quickly go into damage control. I immediately order water, down it and need another one. The first bartender was a woman and gave it to me for free, the second time it was a guy bartender and he wanted to charge me for a bottle. I am so pissed at this point and he won't budge. So i decide to accuse him of being prejudiced of straight people and say "what is it because i'm not gay!!??" he then refuses to serve me at all. since i was now standing with my new gay posse they calm me down buy me a bottle of water.

10:45 p.m. - I am still hanging out with my new cute straight boyfriend and we are having a fabulous time dancing because as we all know gay bars play the best music. As we walk from room to room he takes my hand and is seriously getting looks and cat calls from the men as we walk by. Some are disgusted when they see me attached to him, some are proud and shout something like "hold on to him girl". I am weirdly flattered by all of this and wonder how much he is actually secretly enjoying it.

1:22 a.m. - B takes a liking to new cute straight boyfriend's friend so the four of us go out for burritos and i am annoyed that they forget to put guacamole in mine. New cute straight boyfriend and I piss B off by wearing our sunglasses and singing "i wear my sunglasses at night".
I am elated at how the night has turned out and by the fact that I haven't lost anything.

9:00 a.m. - Walk myself to Starbucks and order a Vivanno AND a spinach feta wrap. I know - scandalous. I am on top of the world with how the weekend turned out and want to continue my rock star lifestyle right on into my breakfast order.

11:20 a.m. - I'm on my flight back home wondering how this all happened. It may not have been how I originally envisioned my first trip out to Chicago - but I certainly wouldn't have changed one second of it.

$3.03

2008-07-30T10:18:00.003-07:00

There is something to be said about a single girl trying to make it on her own. Trying is the key word here. At my current job I get that lovely paycheck once a month. Yes that's right. One time and then you have to figure out how to make it last for the next 30/31 days.

Tomorrow is that thankful day and I am in a sad state of affairs. Trying to snag a free meal whenever possible, laundry piling up, walking wherever i can to save gas - desperate times call for desperate measures. Not to mention my social life is taking a serious hit. There are only so many free drinks that one girl can get.

I think my lowest point was when I actually got excited when I received a dollar in the mail from some company that was doing a promotion.

So currently I have $3.03 in my bank account right now.

I have thought of some things that I could do with that money:

Purchase a magnet, hairnet, and lighter at the dollar store. (or 3 similar items)
Do one load of laundry.
Purchase 3 things off the dollar menu at McDonalds. (that could be a whole meal!)
Tip a valet guy. However I wouldn't have enough money for a drink so I would just have to get right back in the car.
Purchase 3/4 of a gallon of gas and drive down my street.
Get a couple of handfuls of candy in one of those machines where the candy has been sitting there for literally years.
Purchase 3 new songs for my ipod (which i currently am not in possession of because some thieves decided to go shopping in my car last week)
Send an endless amount of Flair on Facebook
Get 3 movies from the red box - although i will need to get them when it is still daylight because it's located in a poorly lit parking lot where lots of sketchballs hang out.

Actually when I put a little thought in it - my options are seriously endless.

Thank god for the last day of the month!

What's your passion?

2008-07-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

So - this past weekend I was out on a first date and the conversation was flowing pretty easy up until the point when I was asked what I was passionate about. He had just been telling me about the stories that he has written and the books he has read and I suddenly panicked to myself that I had no passion in life. I quickly thought of the things I did while growing up - dance classes, piano lessons, etc. all of which I no longer do. How could they be what I was passionate about if I no longer did them - and was I ever really passionate about them?

I then started to laugh to myself at the ridiculousness of my thoughts because as I was trying to reach for any word, phrase, or activity the things that popped in my head were reality tv and celebrity gossip. How could you actually admit to someone that finding out who was going to be elminated next on the bachelorette thrilled you - or - when you heard the news that Kathy Griffin's assistant quit it actually put a damper in your day - or - that instead of reading the morning paper you scroll through the status changes of your friends on Facebook. Could this honestly be what I was passionate about?

Struggling to come up with an answer and to avoid looking completely uninteresting I simply said I had to get back to him about that one. How lame was that? Later that weekend as I thought about it more I really think aside from my love of pop culture my current passion is to live my best life. I know that sounds corny but I am passionate about making time for my friends and family - doing the things I love and always making sure that I'm putting the best me forward. I'm still searching for what all of it means exactly but I know that this year so far has really been a transforming one for me because I have discovered this new outlook and perspective. It is a time full of expectations - but I have learned to take it one day at a time, and to make sure I laugh along the way.

Oh and what time is the Bachelor on tonight?