Undatable in Providence

I don't ask for much. Ok maybe I do but I'm so used to not getting it that it seems like I don't ask for much.

To kick off the year of 2011, all I wanted was to be featured in the Providence Monthly magazine as one of five most eligible bachelorettes in Providence. Every year this popular publication selects 5 ladies and 5 men in providence which have so much going for them (besides being in a relationship) that they are the ones that you want to snatch off the market. i've had numerous friends that have been featured in this issue over the years. Naturally it would be my time to shine.

So my bff writes a fabulous nomination and sends it in. And then even takes the editor out for drinks! So I'm waiting patiently to hear what day to pencil in the photo shoot and I'm not hearing anything. Now I don't know much about putting together a magazine but I would think that for a February issue you would need to do some of these things by January. Right?

So I'm out for drinks with friends one night about the first week into January. I suddenly remember to ask my bff if she has heard anything from the editor so she decides to call him while we are out. They did the photo shoot THAT NIGHT for the issue. and guess what - I'M NOT IN IT!

So I try to gain my composure because like a true 13 year old that isn't picked for the cheerleading squad I'm trying not to start crying. Especially since i'm among friends and a new hot latino friend which has more to the story...

So then bff invites the editor to come have a drink with us! So like an idiot he comes and I can barely look at him. First of all - i don't even want to describe to you what he looks like because he is certainly not qualified to be selecting the most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in providence. So of course I decide to give him a hard time and make him extremely uncomfortable - probably ruining my chance of ever getting picked for anything again.

So there you have it. Not only have I dated a ton of losers in Providence - my very own Providence Monthly has rejected me.

Do I even have to mention that one of last year's picks was a 50 something year old indian man who was dressed like santana in the photo shoot? Open up your eyes PM and take a good look at what the city of providence really has to offer on the dating scene.

So I turn to the hot latino and say - the only thing that will cheer me up is if you take me out on a date...to which he responds...you already had that! :)

Undatable in Providence Monthly's eyes but very datable in someone else's eyes....maybe everything does happen for a reason ;)

But I still let the editor buy me a pity drink.

Caution: "Snowy Conditions May Cause Incessant Calling From Parents"

So my Christmas holiday was cut short by the warning of the first "blizzard" of the winter season. The morning after Christmas day (the day where you are supposed to sleep in, stay in your pj's, try on your new stuff, etc.) my mother wakes me up at 8:00 am and tells me that I really need to "get on the road". Now my original plan was to not leave until Monday night - have dinner with my good friend on my way back and potentially meet up with a new guy that I met on Thursday for a drink. However that all quickly went away.

I was quickly packed up, ate a quick breakfast, was asked 8 times if I forgot anything (I say yes and of course I did forget) and was on the road. So I'm trying to beat the storm and get to Rhode Island in time.

I leave at about 9:40 a.m.

10:00 a.m. - Phone call number one from Home. How are the roads? Is there traffic?

10:35 a.m. - Phone call number two from Home. Did it start snowing yet?

11:42 a.m. - Phone call number one from Dad cell. How are the roads? Is there traffic?

12:15 p.m. - Phone call number three from Home. Mom - "you forgot all your coats at home". Me - "oh shoot, well you can bring them when you come to visit in a couple of days". Mom - "so you don't have a coat in the car". Me - "am i planning on hiking part of the way?"

12:45 p.m. - Phone call number two from Dad cell. Dad - "this is the 30 minute check in for Sarah". Me - "I haven't moved much since I had to stop to pee because of that green tea you insisted on putting in my cup holder and then I got something to eat" Dad - "Pat! (my mom) - she had to pee".

2:00 p.m. - Phone call number four from Home. (now it's really starting to come down and I'm only going 40 mph and in a permanent lean forward stance with my hands at 10 and 2). Dad - "it's really starting to come down here - how about where you are". Me - "yes it's coming down and i can't talk because i'm trying to concentrate. i'm in mystic. good bye."

2:25 p.m. - Phone call number one from my cell to Home. "I just crossed the Rhode Island border. Good bye".

3:00 p.m. Phone call number five from Home. Mom - "where are you now?" Me - "I'm by the airport". Mom - "I don't think you should stop at work to get your lap top." Me - "I'm already past the exit for my house and if I get snowed in without my lap top I may jump off my deck."

3:45 p.m. Phone call number two from my cell to Home. "I'm finally home - I just pulled in." Mom "OH THANK GOD - GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS". Mom again "Did they plow yet in your parking lot?"

4:30 pm. Sarah taking a hot bubble bath and then polishing off a bottle of wine.

A Whole New World

So I committed single status suicide - I am the single girl who mailed out a photo Christmas card. I never thought I would do it. Never. I would look at pictures of those on people's refrigerators and think to myself how these women could bring themselves to mail something out to all their friends and family that screams - I'm all alone!! I have no one else to take this picture with me! Sure people try to disguise the picture by posing with their dog, or in front of a great landmark that they traveled to, or maybe make some kind of joke about it (like using their Halloween costume of a mail order bride as the featured photo - with a caption of "don't know what to get that special someone for Christmas?? How about a mail order bride!).





Well who did I choose to pose with for this symbolic occasion? He takes girls on dates on magic carpets, looks dashing in MC Hammer pants, always has golden glow about him and has a pet monkey. Yes I'm talking about the one and only Aladdin. It was a photo from where we met - on that beautiful sound stage of Morocco at Epcot. Here is a picture of him with his previous family (obviously before we met). And the card says Merry Christmas - Hoping all your dreams come true. Because mine is definitely to run away with Aladdin.

So anyway - yes obviously i'm not dating Aladdin - because that would defeat the purpose of this post..to confirm to my family and friends that i'm still single. (and he's already taken by that bitch Jasmine).

So I had 40 of those puppies made, threw them in the mail and hope that I'm now adorning my loved ones refrigerator doors with my very own singles ad.

Maybe next year I'll pose with my cat because isn't that the next logical step?

Here I Am

Wow - over a year has passed. So much has changed yet so much is pretty much the same. Over the last year I have settled nicely into my condo, endured yet another failed relationship - but one that taught me a lot about what I want in life, had an AMAZING summer in Newport, judged a six week karaoke competition, visited the happiest place on earth...Disney World and got promoted! Overall - things are good.

Do I continue to have comical things happen to me - all the freaking time. I call them my Liz Lemon moments.

I did continue my match.com stint until recently. While judging karaoke I ran into one of the guys I was talking to on match. Now granted - immediately upon meeting him I knew it wasn't going to work however in true Liz Lemon fashion as I was walking out to my car I find him making out with some girl behind the building. Classic.

While dress shopping I stopped in this Asian store with cute promish/bridesmaidish type dresses. I pick up this really cute hot pink strapless number and the woman who owns the store comes up to me and asks "who are you shopping for??" while looking me up and down. I say yes and she immediately says "oh we don't have your size". I'm looking at her stunned as I'm holding up what I believe to be my size. And I say "excuse me" and she says - "our sizes run really small". I turn to my friend and am like "did she honestly just say that i'm too fat for these dresses??" yes she did - so we turned and left.

The Tuesday night before Thanksgiving my car unfortunately got broken into. Windows shattered - items stolen. All very upsetting. It was parked in front of my friend's house and when I discovered the car her sister came out to help put plastic up on the windows. I'm very distraught and upset and this car pulls up to my car. To which I scream out "what do you want?????? everything has already been stolen!!!" To which he says "Michelle??" (my friend's sister). He pulls the car over - they start chatting...and then he asks her out on a date! I'm thinking to myself...this is honestly the story of my life.

So yes- I've been here all along - I know you all have been missing the comedy sitcom situations of my life (however apparently in my absence I acquired a large asian population following my blog) but I promise I'm back and here to deliver.

Lemon Out!

Reunion Hotline

So because I am an anal control freak I decided to take the lead on planning my 10 year reunion along with some of my close friends. Let's just say it hasn't been the most pleasant experience.

About 2 weeks before the event the committee started questioning all of the decisions that we had already made about a year in advance. As it got closer to the big day I found myself fielding all sorts of questions making me a reunion hotline of sorts...

Reunion hotline how may I help you?

• I can't figure out how to use Paypal.
• You picked a horrible weekend to hold the reunion.
• You spelled my married name wrong on the rsvp list.
• We want four hours of open bar instead of one.
• We don't want to use the dj we hired a year ago we want to just play our ipod.
• There are no pictures scanned for the slide show.
• We want you to hand pick out the ham in the penne vodka so it's a vegitarian option.
• I can't figure out how to use Paypal.
• My wife is going into labor can you change the date of the reunion.
• I actually didn't graduate with you - I'm not sure I was invited.
• What does dressy casual mean?

This continued up until the day of the event. I do have to say that it turned out to be a great event. However I only wish I remembered more of it and actually talked to people after standing at the registration table for 2 hours. A year of planning only to get so tipsy that I don't remember much after picking my own ticket for the 50/50 raffle and refusing to pick another one and then going up to a group of guys that I never talked to in high school and just standing there probably swaying while they looked at me funny.

This Reunion queen was in her Holiday Inn bed before the clock hit 12 and passed out clutching her clutch. Reunion hotline is down until 2014.

What does happy look like?

Sooo ever since it was discovered via the internet that my "Mr. Big" got married, my dear friend E was so captivated by the photos that she bookmarked the photographers blog and visits it daily. Right? Who does that?

So a little while back in my occasional facebook stalk I look to see if any photos have changed for Mr. Big's profile pic. (of course we are not friends). And one time when I checked it was a picture of a baby. Which of course made me think the baby was his. I have no idea how this came up in conversation but E says to me tonight - "no, that's not his child" and I of course say -how do you know?

Weellll I saw pictures on the photographer's blog and it can't be their child - just look, she says. So of course I bring it up immediately. And of course there it is - Mr. Big with his wife and his brand new family.

I swear i have never seen pictures like this before in my life that honestly were not actors doing their job posing in a f***ing field. These people are beautiful. Honest to god beautiful. It's the parents, and their three children with their significant others including Mr. Big and the wifey. One couple has two children and the other couple has a baby. All I can say without showing the actual pictures is that it is very "shabby chic" loaded with cowboy boots, old suitcases, buttons, fields, J Crew clothes and beautiful beautiful people. Actually kind of like this but honestly this picture doesn't even do it justice:

So of course after I scrutinized every picture, every facial expression, every accessory (i'm only human) -it made me think...

Is that what happy looks like? Perfect people in a photo shoot? Is that what we should all be striving for? If that's true - we would have a lot of people falling short, including myself. But I guess I don't think that is true.

I guess happiness can look like lots of different things. It can be toasting with your oldest friends in your very first home. Or laughing until your sides hurt on a hayride that is not doing a good job of being scary. Or getting a note from someone thanking you for doing something that resulted in an emotional experience that brought him and his son closer together.

Can J Crew family have moments like this? Of course - I'm sure they do. The bigger person in me would say I hope they do. But do we all have to throw on cowboy boots, play with buttons and romp in some fields to be truly happy?

Absolutely not.

Waking Up in Lincoln

Is not the same as Waking Up in Vegas. It's a lot quieter actually. So quiet that I can hear the people above me flush the toilet. and take a shower. and do their laundry. and try to calm their crying baby. all at 6:00 a.m. Actually now that I think of it - it's not quiet at all.

My new place in Lincoln is actually fantastic. I'm so happy here (even though i feel like i'm miles from providence) (it's only 10 minutes) and feel such a sense of accomplishment. Yet, it has made me slightly neurotic. I am constantly cleaning up after myself, picking things off of the carpet, trying to get rid of every strand of hair my head sheds. I've reached an all new level of analness. Onto better things...

Let me introduce my neighbors!

For sake of privacy I'll use letters instead of their actual unit #'s. I don't need you telling them I'm already talking smack about them.

Unit A - Girl around my age that lives with her boyfriend. I already forget her name. She pretty much lives in the basement. It can't be too much fun down there. She had a friend visit her over the weekend who turned out to be the girl who used to wax my eyebrows. Such a small world in good ol' Lincoln.

Unit B - Sweet girl who seems around my age. She has a cat. Which the entire hallway smells like. Her first impression of me was me apologizing for the idiotic Cardis Furniture movers who broke her patio umbrella while trying to hoist my huge couch through the back patio doors.

Unit C - Banjo player and his wife. They have a banjo playing son who came to visit last weekend. They held a banjo jam session while i was tanning at the pool. enough said.

Unit D - A Fabulous, Independent, Witty and Stylish Single Woman....me!

Unit E - HOT GUY! (and his girlfriend). I got super excited when I saw him coming home one night. I thought....could this be true? No...it has to be the boyfriend of one of the girls I already met. Then I see him check a mailbox. No sir! He lives here!! We meet on the stairs and exchange cordial conversation. I'm super excited and anxiously await my next interaction. Over the weekend the power kept going out and I got nervous because during the home inspection there was concern that there weren't enough amps to power the whole building. So I think this is a perfect opportunity to knock on hot guy's door. As I approach I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. A paisly doormat. One of the most fashionable floor mats I've ever seen. Which had to be purchased by his...girllllfriend. So of course when he answers and we determine this is a fluke thing he then tells me "WE are going to go food shopping while we wait for the power to go back on." We as in girlfriend. As in the girl who bought the paisley doormat.

and last but not least Unit F - The Family. A younger couple with a five year old little boy named Robert and honestly the fattest baby I've ever seen. I don't even know how it came out of the mom's petite little body. I can't actually say her name because I don't know it. Robert is the only one out of the four who had the decency to introduce thimself. Obviously Buddha Baby can't talk so that leaves the ownus on weird parents. They struggle getting out the door in the morning. I know cause I can hear them running around, turning faucets on and off, trying to get in 5 loads of laundry before the 7:00 am news and Robert occasionally getting yelled at. I might yell at Robert because I'm still waiting for him to bake me some welcome cookies. Isn't that what kids do?

So that's it. The whole kit and kaboodle. I think this place is going to be good for me - it's a whole new chapter in the Sarah Storybook.

Now excuse me...I have to go vacuum all the glitter I shook off my clothes after Waking Up in Vegas. I mean Lincoln... :)