Undatable in Providence

I don't ask for much. Ok maybe I do but I'm so used to not getting it that it seems like I don't ask for much.

To kick off the year of 2011, all I wanted was to be featured in the Providence Monthly magazine as one of five most eligible bachelorettes in Providence. Every year this popular publication selects 5 ladies and 5 men in providence which have so much going for them (besides being in a relationship) that they are the ones that you want to snatch off the market. i've had numerous friends that have been featured in this issue over the years. Naturally it would be my time to shine.

So my bff writes a fabulous nomination and sends it in. And then even takes the editor out for drinks! So I'm waiting patiently to hear what day to pencil in the photo shoot and I'm not hearing anything. Now I don't know much about putting together a magazine but I would think that for a February issue you would need to do some of these things by January. Right?

So I'm out for drinks with friends one night about the first week into January. I suddenly remember to ask my bff if she has heard anything from the editor so she decides to call him while we are out. They did the photo shoot THAT NIGHT for the issue. and guess what - I'M NOT IN IT!

So I try to gain my composure because like a true 13 year old that isn't picked for the cheerleading squad I'm trying not to start crying. Especially since i'm among friends and a new hot latino friend which has more to the story...

So then bff invites the editor to come have a drink with us! So like an idiot he comes and I can barely look at him. First of all - i don't even want to describe to you what he looks like because he is certainly not qualified to be selecting the most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in providence. So of course I decide to give him a hard time and make him extremely uncomfortable - probably ruining my chance of ever getting picked for anything again.

So there you have it. Not only have I dated a ton of losers in Providence - my very own Providence Monthly has rejected me.

Do I even have to mention that one of last year's picks was a 50 something year old indian man who was dressed like santana in the photo shoot? Open up your eyes PM and take a good look at what the city of providence really has to offer on the dating scene.

So I turn to the hot latino and say - the only thing that will cheer me up is if you take me out on a date...to which he responds...you already had that! :)

Undatable in Providence Monthly's eyes but very datable in someone else's eyes....maybe everything does happen for a reason ;)

But I still let the editor buy me a pity drink.

Caution: "Snowy Conditions May Cause Incessant Calling From Parents"

So my Christmas holiday was cut short by the warning of the first "blizzard" of the winter season. The morning after Christmas day (the day where you are supposed to sleep in, stay in your pj's, try on your new stuff, etc.) my mother wakes me up at 8:00 am and tells me that I really need to "get on the road". Now my original plan was to not leave until Monday night - have dinner with my good friend on my way back and potentially meet up with a new guy that I met on Thursday for a drink. However that all quickly went away.

I was quickly packed up, ate a quick breakfast, was asked 8 times if I forgot anything (I say yes and of course I did forget) and was on the road. So I'm trying to beat the storm and get to Rhode Island in time.

I leave at about 9:40 a.m.

10:00 a.m. - Phone call number one from Home. How are the roads? Is there traffic?

10:35 a.m. - Phone call number two from Home. Did it start snowing yet?

11:42 a.m. - Phone call number one from Dad cell. How are the roads? Is there traffic?

12:15 p.m. - Phone call number three from Home. Mom - "you forgot all your coats at home". Me - "oh shoot, well you can bring them when you come to visit in a couple of days". Mom - "so you don't have a coat in the car". Me - "am i planning on hiking part of the way?"

12:45 p.m. - Phone call number two from Dad cell. Dad - "this is the 30 minute check in for Sarah". Me - "I haven't moved much since I had to stop to pee because of that green tea you insisted on putting in my cup holder and then I got something to eat" Dad - "Pat! (my mom) - she had to pee".

2:00 p.m. - Phone call number four from Home. (now it's really starting to come down and I'm only going 40 mph and in a permanent lean forward stance with my hands at 10 and 2). Dad - "it's really starting to come down here - how about where you are". Me - "yes it's coming down and i can't talk because i'm trying to concentrate. i'm in mystic. good bye."

2:25 p.m. - Phone call number one from my cell to Home. "I just crossed the Rhode Island border. Good bye".

3:00 p.m. Phone call number five from Home. Mom - "where are you now?" Me - "I'm by the airport". Mom - "I don't think you should stop at work to get your lap top." Me - "I'm already past the exit for my house and if I get snowed in without my lap top I may jump off my deck."

3:45 p.m. Phone call number two from my cell to Home. "I'm finally home - I just pulled in." Mom "OH THANK GOD - GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYERS". Mom again "Did they plow yet in your parking lot?"

4:30 pm. Sarah taking a hot bubble bath and then polishing off a bottle of wine.

A Whole New World

So I committed single status suicide - I am the single girl who mailed out a photo Christmas card. I never thought I would do it. Never. I would look at pictures of those on people's refrigerators and think to myself how these women could bring themselves to mail something out to all their friends and family that screams - I'm all alone!! I have no one else to take this picture with me! Sure people try to disguise the picture by posing with their dog, or in front of a great landmark that they traveled to, or maybe make some kind of joke about it (like using their Halloween costume of a mail order bride as the featured photo - with a caption of "don't know what to get that special someone for Christmas?? How about a mail order bride!).





Well who did I choose to pose with for this symbolic occasion? He takes girls on dates on magic carpets, looks dashing in MC Hammer pants, always has golden glow about him and has a pet monkey. Yes I'm talking about the one and only Aladdin. It was a photo from where we met - on that beautiful sound stage of Morocco at Epcot. Here is a picture of him with his previous family (obviously before we met). And the card says Merry Christmas - Hoping all your dreams come true. Because mine is definitely to run away with Aladdin.

So anyway - yes obviously i'm not dating Aladdin - because that would defeat the purpose of this post..to confirm to my family and friends that i'm still single. (and he's already taken by that bitch Jasmine).

So I had 40 of those puppies made, threw them in the mail and hope that I'm now adorning my loved ones refrigerator doors with my very own singles ad.

Maybe next year I'll pose with my cat because isn't that the next logical step?

Here I Am

Wow - over a year has passed. So much has changed yet so much is pretty much the same. Over the last year I have settled nicely into my condo, endured yet another failed relationship - but one that taught me a lot about what I want in life, had an AMAZING summer in Newport, judged a six week karaoke competition, visited the happiest place on earth...Disney World and got promoted! Overall - things are good.

Do I continue to have comical things happen to me - all the freaking time. I call them my Liz Lemon moments.

I did continue my match.com stint until recently. While judging karaoke I ran into one of the guys I was talking to on match. Now granted - immediately upon meeting him I knew it wasn't going to work however in true Liz Lemon fashion as I was walking out to my car I find him making out with some girl behind the building. Classic.

While dress shopping I stopped in this Asian store with cute promish/bridesmaidish type dresses. I pick up this really cute hot pink strapless number and the woman who owns the store comes up to me and asks "who are you shopping for??" while looking me up and down. I say yes and she immediately says "oh we don't have your size". I'm looking at her stunned as I'm holding up what I believe to be my size. And I say "excuse me" and she says - "our sizes run really small". I turn to my friend and am like "did she honestly just say that i'm too fat for these dresses??" yes she did - so we turned and left.

The Tuesday night before Thanksgiving my car unfortunately got broken into. Windows shattered - items stolen. All very upsetting. It was parked in front of my friend's house and when I discovered the car her sister came out to help put plastic up on the windows. I'm very distraught and upset and this car pulls up to my car. To which I scream out "what do you want?????? everything has already been stolen!!!" To which he says "Michelle??" (my friend's sister). He pulls the car over - they start chatting...and then he asks her out on a date! I'm thinking to myself...this is honestly the story of my life.

So yes- I've been here all along - I know you all have been missing the comedy sitcom situations of my life (however apparently in my absence I acquired a large asian population following my blog) but I promise I'm back and here to deliver.

Lemon Out!

Reunion Hotline

So because I am an anal control freak I decided to take the lead on planning my 10 year reunion along with some of my close friends. Let's just say it hasn't been the most pleasant experience.

About 2 weeks before the event the committee started questioning all of the decisions that we had already made about a year in advance. As it got closer to the big day I found myself fielding all sorts of questions making me a reunion hotline of sorts...

Reunion hotline how may I help you?

• I can't figure out how to use Paypal.
• You picked a horrible weekend to hold the reunion.
• You spelled my married name wrong on the rsvp list.
• We want four hours of open bar instead of one.
• We don't want to use the dj we hired a year ago we want to just play our ipod.
• There are no pictures scanned for the slide show.
• We want you to hand pick out the ham in the penne vodka so it's a vegitarian option.
• I can't figure out how to use Paypal.
• My wife is going into labor can you change the date of the reunion.
• I actually didn't graduate with you - I'm not sure I was invited.
• What does dressy casual mean?

This continued up until the day of the event. I do have to say that it turned out to be a great event. However I only wish I remembered more of it and actually talked to people after standing at the registration table for 2 hours. A year of planning only to get so tipsy that I don't remember much after picking my own ticket for the 50/50 raffle and refusing to pick another one and then going up to a group of guys that I never talked to in high school and just standing there probably swaying while they looked at me funny.

This Reunion queen was in her Holiday Inn bed before the clock hit 12 and passed out clutching her clutch. Reunion hotline is down until 2014.

What does happy look like?

Sooo ever since it was discovered via the internet that my "Mr. Big" got married, my dear friend E was so captivated by the photos that she bookmarked the photographers blog and visits it daily. Right? Who does that?

So a little while back in my occasional facebook stalk I look to see if any photos have changed for Mr. Big's profile pic. (of course we are not friends). And one time when I checked it was a picture of a baby. Which of course made me think the baby was his. I have no idea how this came up in conversation but E says to me tonight - "no, that's not his child" and I of course say -how do you know?

Weellll I saw pictures on the photographer's blog and it can't be their child - just look, she says. So of course I bring it up immediately. And of course there it is - Mr. Big with his wife and his brand new family.

I swear i have never seen pictures like this before in my life that honestly were not actors doing their job posing in a f***ing field. These people are beautiful. Honest to god beautiful. It's the parents, and their three children with their significant others including Mr. Big and the wifey. One couple has two children and the other couple has a baby. All I can say without showing the actual pictures is that it is very "shabby chic" loaded with cowboy boots, old suitcases, buttons, fields, J Crew clothes and beautiful beautiful people. Actually kind of like this but honestly this picture doesn't even do it justice:

So of course after I scrutinized every picture, every facial expression, every accessory (i'm only human) -it made me think...

Is that what happy looks like? Perfect people in a photo shoot? Is that what we should all be striving for? If that's true - we would have a lot of people falling short, including myself. But I guess I don't think that is true.

I guess happiness can look like lots of different things. It can be toasting with your oldest friends in your very first home. Or laughing until your sides hurt on a hayride that is not doing a good job of being scary. Or getting a note from someone thanking you for doing something that resulted in an emotional experience that brought him and his son closer together.

Can J Crew family have moments like this? Of course - I'm sure they do. The bigger person in me would say I hope they do. But do we all have to throw on cowboy boots, play with buttons and romp in some fields to be truly happy?

Absolutely not.

Waking Up in Lincoln

Is not the same as Waking Up in Vegas. It's a lot quieter actually. So quiet that I can hear the people above me flush the toilet. and take a shower. and do their laundry. and try to calm their crying baby. all at 6:00 a.m. Actually now that I think of it - it's not quiet at all.

My new place in Lincoln is actually fantastic. I'm so happy here (even though i feel like i'm miles from providence) (it's only 10 minutes) and feel such a sense of accomplishment. Yet, it has made me slightly neurotic. I am constantly cleaning up after myself, picking things off of the carpet, trying to get rid of every strand of hair my head sheds. I've reached an all new level of analness. Onto better things...

Let me introduce my neighbors!

For sake of privacy I'll use letters instead of their actual unit #'s. I don't need you telling them I'm already talking smack about them.

Unit A - Girl around my age that lives with her boyfriend. I already forget her name. She pretty much lives in the basement. It can't be too much fun down there. She had a friend visit her over the weekend who turned out to be the girl who used to wax my eyebrows. Such a small world in good ol' Lincoln.

Unit B - Sweet girl who seems around my age. She has a cat. Which the entire hallway smells like. Her first impression of me was me apologizing for the idiotic Cardis Furniture movers who broke her patio umbrella while trying to hoist my huge couch through the back patio doors.

Unit C - Banjo player and his wife. They have a banjo playing son who came to visit last weekend. They held a banjo jam session while i was tanning at the pool. enough said.

Unit D - A Fabulous, Independent, Witty and Stylish Single Woman....me!

Unit E - HOT GUY! (and his girlfriend). I got super excited when I saw him coming home one night. I thought....could this be true? No...it has to be the boyfriend of one of the girls I already met. Then I see him check a mailbox. No sir! He lives here!! We meet on the stairs and exchange cordial conversation. I'm super excited and anxiously await my next interaction. Over the weekend the power kept going out and I got nervous because during the home inspection there was concern that there weren't enough amps to power the whole building. So I think this is a perfect opportunity to knock on hot guy's door. As I approach I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. A paisly doormat. One of the most fashionable floor mats I've ever seen. Which had to be purchased by his...girllllfriend. So of course when he answers and we determine this is a fluke thing he then tells me "WE are going to go food shopping while we wait for the power to go back on." We as in girlfriend. As in the girl who bought the paisley doormat.

and last but not least Unit F - The Family. A younger couple with a five year old little boy named Robert and honestly the fattest baby I've ever seen. I don't even know how it came out of the mom's petite little body. I can't actually say her name because I don't know it. Robert is the only one out of the four who had the decency to introduce thimself. Obviously Buddha Baby can't talk so that leaves the ownus on weird parents. They struggle getting out the door in the morning. I know cause I can hear them running around, turning faucets on and off, trying to get in 5 loads of laundry before the 7:00 am news and Robert occasionally getting yelled at. I might yell at Robert because I'm still waiting for him to bake me some welcome cookies. Isn't that what kids do?

So that's it. The whole kit and kaboodle. I think this place is going to be good for me - it's a whole new chapter in the Sarah Storybook.

Now excuse me...I have to go vacuum all the glitter I shook off my clothes after Waking Up in Vegas. I mean Lincoln... :)

And What a Circus It Was

Disclaimer: Anything that I say in this post does not take away from the fact that I love Britney. I have always believed. Now onto the nonsense I witnessed...

I went to the Britney Spears concert on Saturday night. The Circus they called it - starring Britney Spears. Whoa.

First of all - I was shocked to see how many people my age there was there. And they were dressed up. It was like Britney over the years: Classic Britney in the uniform skirt, Retro Britney in the red plastic suit, Britney circa pre-breakdown in the Fadora hat. And some an odd combination of all three.

Then comes the 3 ring circus which included a girl with no legs doing acrobatics. No. legs. How does she? Nevermind...

Then out comes Brit. She looks awesome. Rockin the curves and all. However she doesn't really seem that into it. Actually I feel like her dancers kind of have to lead her around on the stage. It all of a sudden became: the what object can we push britney around the stage on concert. A few of them included:

A stripper pole

a cage

an ottoman

a bicycle

a hot air balloon type basket

an umbrella

and my personal favorite: a picture frame that she was holding onto for dear life. "y'all just look at me like i'm a picture, in a frame y'all"

So besides Brit being pushed, lifted, led, and held all around the stage the show was quite entertaining. I also found what my Halloween costme is going to be this year:

I personally enjoy the shorts.

Doo doo dada dada...dee dee dooda dooda

Part Three: Did The Hangover Actually Take Place in Newport?

Ok - I know - you've been on the edge of your seats waiting for Part 3 of this long ass story. Since i just want to get it posted I will make this quick - here are the 10 reasons why I think that I experienced the Hangover first hand (ok a very mild version, but still) in the last leg of Southern Belle's memorable trip.

1. Southern Belle, T and I were so disorganized/hung over from our nonexistent pot party that we had a tremendous late start down to newport which resulted in T having no dress to wear, no alcoholic beverages for the hotel room, and feeling like we had no direction in life.

2. All clad in bathing suits and sundresses we ventured out onto the streets of Newport only to find out that it was cloudy, windy and hence the coldest day of the summer.

3. I get pissed that a 10 year old kid beats me to the plastic fishing pond at the restaurant we eat lunch at. now it's not going to be funny anymore it's just a cute kid fishing.

4. After we try to revive ourselves with a shower and some dinner we realize that every cab in newport is being occupied by the newport jazz festival. do that many people listen to jazz? i didn't think so.

5. After dinner we head over to the headlining event - Tracey Morgan. We are taken on a pot filled journey that included jokes about va jay jay's, sex, relationships, michael jackson, and back to sex. 2 couples in front of us walked out. they had sweaters tied around their necks and alligators on their shorts. we leave feeling confused and a little violated.

6. we head over to a popular newport bar where one of our providence friends is with a bunch of his friends. we see that they are sticking post it notes with funny sayings on each other's foreheads while the person with the note has to guess what it says. i say "this is so stupid".

7. thirty minutes later i am anxiously awaiting my next post it note which is being carefully crafted by cute mark. it says "please don't make me go back to the hotel". i think he is sending me a subliminal message. or a very direct one. these post it notes are hysterical. we are so funny.

8. what is not funny is when a stranger threw up on me at the bar. yes. threw. up. on. me. i initially think that someone spilled their drink because it's all cold and liquidy. not chunky at all. when T points out that it's actually throw up - i start screaming at the top of my lungs " MY LEGS, MY LEGS" like i had stepped into a land mine and my legs had blown up. the bartender quickly gives us free shots to shut us up. thank god i was wearing a dress so i could wipe it off my BARE legs. i know...i know.

9. the night starts to get out of control with people named manchego dancing with southern belle like a crazy man, T ripping shirts off of people, and me begging to get on stage with the band (and succeeding of course) (until i felt a tap tap tap on my shoulder into the second song and turn around to see the lead singer giving me a look like - ok wacko - get off my stage.)

10. And finally leaving Newport the next morning - in an even more disheveled state than we arrived. If we were still playing the Post It game mine should have said Laughed with Morgan, Danced with Manchego and had a Blast with My Girls.

The end.

Part Two: The Sighting

So after we recovered from that memorable and weird night at 212 Waterman we had a big day and night in Providence planned. The highlight of the night was taking Southern Belle to our new favorite spot - Luxe Burger Bar. It recently became Luxe and even though we love it just as much (maybe even more)- this was an old fave from when she lived up here when it was formerly citron. So we thought it would be perfect for us to take her there.



It was the Fab Four back again - Me, T, Southern Belle and Foxy White. It was a beautiful night and it was also WaterFire so the city was busy with lots of people out and about. I decided to wear my fun, colorful, strapless cocktail dress - I was a little doubtful because I felt like I was going to a wedding( maybe because i did wear it to a wedding. make that two weddings.) but decided to wear it anyway. So we sit down at our table outside and not even 2 minutes later Foxy White says to me - don't we know that guy over there in the black shirt?



And as she is saying this I look over my shoulder and there he is. The most recent heartbreak. Which is what mine did - again. We hadn't spoken since our "break up" (if that's what you can call it) via text message almost 3 weeks ago. I absolutely froze. This is probably one of the worst social moments a person can have. So of course we immediately formulate a plan. Since there were crowds all around Foxy White placed herself near where he was and pretended to make a phone call. When he turned to go back to his group she "ran" into him. Of course he asks who she was with (I swear he spotted me before this whole run in and tried to pretend i wasn't there). She of course tells him she is with me among others and he says he will come by. THANK GOD he was not there with another girl. I literally would have died. However I don't know how much better it was that he was with his brother and sister in-law and some friends - there was a day when I would like to think that I would have been a part of that group. So anyway he goes back to his friends and foxy white comes back to the table. I have completely lost my appetite at this point and am so at a loss for what to do that I am just staring ahead in some complete fog. Minutes go by and he's not coming over. So my friends eventually say for me to be the bigger person and go over there myself. I felt like i had to oil myself like the tin man to get my joints to move as I confidently (what i hoped looked like confidently since i felt like a baby fawn walking on new legs) walk over to him and his friends. As soon as he sees me he comes right over and hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. Then he starts rambling about how he was going to come over...blah blah blah..didn't want to get yelled at by crossing the ropes to where i was sitting (like there is restaurant police). Then he tells me I look nice. (although i was happy i looked good i was totally regretting looking like i just did the electric slide) This whole interaction is completely surreal. All I kept thinking was - was this really happening?

I'm not going to recount the entire conversation - we talked about our condos, work, we recounted with his friend about how fun our night in newport was etc. i went with him to check on the status of their table with the hostess. this was the point where we were by ourselves and i had the chance to say something. but what would i have said? you hurt me? you made a mistake? why did you have to do that over text message? i keep telling myself that whatever i would have said it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

it made me think of that movie that's out now which i LOVE - 500 days of summer. the boy is in love with a girl and she has dumped him - he runs into her randomly and she invites him to a party that she is having. when he goes to the party there is a split screen and one side is his expectations of what he wants to happen at the party and the other is the reality. (of course the two are dramatically (and depressingly) different). i kept thinking that was what this was like. in my expectations screen he would have seen me - felt horrible, wanted to explain himself more, and then realize upon seeing me that he did make a huge mistake and wanted to know if i would forgive him. However of course we know that didn't happen. In my reality screen we finished talking, i went back to my table where i proceeded to get choked up, somehow made it through dinner, watched him laugh with his friends while he ate dinner wishing that i was sitting next to him, and then awkwardly talked to him at the bar before he left that ended with hugging me while i said "it was good to see you" and him saying "you got it"(are you kidding me?). Then I proceeded to hold up the line in the bathroom while I bawled and tried to pull myself together. There is no worse of a feeling when your heart hurts so bad you can barely swallow.

Thank god i was with my girlfriends. They of course gave him a few zingers while i stood calm and collected. In conversation he referred to his friend as being "ten times worse than him" in the dating department and foxy white wittingly socked him with - "what? fucked up in the head?" LOVE IT. I of course wanted them to knock him down more but was convinced by them that it was the perfect amount of zing.

So in true Sex and the City fashion T decides that we need to round this night out with some good old pot. Me being the pot virgin thinks that this is an excellent idea. We make arrangements with our bartender friends to come by when they are done with work for our little pot party. Meanwhile we need to pass some time so we head over to Waterplace for a little dancing (i tried my best to shake my booty even though i wasn't that much in the booty shaking mood) and we all manage to get into a screaming match with these girls in the bathroom. (I don't even want to tell you what started it. Ok - these girls got mad that they didn't get to use the bathroom first since they were on the elevator that led to the bathroom first. I know - RIDICULOUS. We are apparently at a club for 5 year olds.) After I yelled at them and told them to quit running their "bleeping" mouth I proceeded to leave the bathroom and then march right into to give them some more.

T then turns to me and says she knew i was going to be just fine when she saw me stomp right back in there.

So we head back to my apartment, arms clad with munchies and mixers for our pot party. I'm so freaking excited that I'm actually dancing around and reenacting "All my single ladies" for Southern Belle. We also pass time by doing the "pencil test" to determine whether we need to wear bras (not for the party. haha. but just in general) (i don't know, ask someone from the south about it). And then the text message comes. "Don't hate me, but we can't come." "we don't have a car." Jesus christ - in all of our bathroom girl brawling, pencil test taking, beyonce booty shaking we failed to hire drug dealers who HAVE A GOD DAMN CAR.

So just as Carrie ends her pot smoking escapade after Berger breaks up with her on a post-it note and says (still high on smoking pot) "Oh! Hear that? It's midnight. The official end to what will now be known as 'the day I got arrested for smoking a doobie.' HAHA! I said 'doobie." -- I can say that the night of "the sighting" will now be known as the night that I waited until 4:00 am for pot from a carless drug dealer.

And failed a pencil test.

Part One: It all started at the 2 - 1 - 2

whoa. what a weekend.

Well it all started at the 2 - 1 - 2...my apartment that is. Southern Belle was coming up from Atlanta and we had an action packed weekend planned. I don't think I've announced yet that I finally bought a condo - yippee! I had wanted to do an appropriate farewell for 212 waterman (and all the shenanigans that went down there) and I thought the best time to do it would be when Southern Belle was in time since that was the place where we became such good friends.

So i'm getting ready for the party and for Southern Belle's arrival and T has an idea that I should put a sign up in the hallway inviting anyone from the building (this would actually be a first meeting since I have no idea who anyone is) down for a drink and some food. I really don't expect anyone to show up since I never actually see anyone. I think everyone was hoping for a guest appearance by the man who lives under the stairs because we are dying to see what he looks like...

So Southern Belle gets here and there are about 8 of us chatting it up and telling stories about my 600 square foot apartment and all of a sudden there is a little knock on the door. It's a waif of a girl holding a handle of bacardi in a brown paper bag excited as ever to come to the party. Her name is Alex and she lives upstairs and of course we made her feel welcome right away. Perhaps tooo welcome.

As soon as I realized that she was on drink #10 and her body weight was about 97 1/2 pounds I knew we were in trouble. That's when the inappropriate touching began. First it was the arm around my shoulder that "happened" to grace my boob. Then it was her hand on my leg (um..i had shorts on) - Wait I'm sorry the stroking of my leg while she told me how good it was to meet me. whooaaa nelly. keep yourself together. i know there isn't a whole lot of action going on up there on the 2nd floor but no need to come down to a party and make advances on me and my friends. everyone is weirded out and no one knows what to say or really do. and of course T is egging her on by announcing every time you could see my bra under my shirt. she then slurs to us that she wants us to go with her to a "secret" bar at Brown. oh wait - this is after she is now drinking the sweet tea vodka on the rocks. and after she has smoked a pack of cigarettes on the front porch. i honestly was surprised she was still standing. we avoid going to the "secret" bar, with the other "secret" lesbians and she gets her friend to pick her up. I also thought I was going to find her sprawled on the ground in front of the steps to 212 waterman with the neighborhood skunk who lives in the dumpster about to crawl over her. but thank god she wasn't.

if the walls in 212 waterman could talk they would have a lot of stories to tell - the beginning of great friendships, new love interests, broken hearts, broken bones, and hours upon hours of reality tv on that pink couch.

And I couldn't have asked for a better ending.

However- that was not the ending of this crazy crazy weekend...to be continued...

What happens when

You mix

One too many John Daley's with
Tequila with
Bday cake in the shape of a sheep with chocolate chips in the frosting with
Dancing like a fool and trying to take your sundress off (of course my bathing suit was on underneath!)with
Sleeping it off in the backseat of your friends car?

A bad scrape over your eye when you fall out of the backseat onto the pavement while innocent bystanders look on and say, "T, your pet is trying to escape. She just fell out of the car."

160 Characters

Getting rejected sucks. Every single form of it. On round 2 of me and the boy - it came down to the same issues again. But this time I wasn't going to just leave it be and not be spoken to. Because I knew I would have more chances of a response with a text message I decide to send one that basically says wtf? after always taking into consideration his situation - was he honestly shutting down on me again? and of course emphasized that i deserved so much better.

and then i got it back. the rejection text. the you are right..you do deserve better. the you want more than i can give. the you want a relationship...i don't. the i truly did enjoy our time together. ouch. there are so many things going through your head. are we truly doing this over text message? is this what closure is? is this what the end feels like? so then i decided that this was pretty much the last chance i had to "say" how i felt. but how do i get all my questions answered? how do i get validation for the last 8 months where i tried my hardest to mesh my wants and needs with the person who didn't have the same?

and how do you fit it all in a 160 character text message?

I think I just saw the back of Bobby Barker's head.

Again I suck at keeping up with my posts but honestly I haven't had any really funny or compelling stories to write about. However this past weekend was a great time at the good old Jersey shore.

I had to go down to Jersey for two work events in the middle of the week and then stayed down there for a fun weekend back in the Squan. My aunt was generous enough to let us stay at her house and she even drove us to the bar so we only had to take a cab home.

So Friday night she drops us off at the Osprey and literally as soon as she drops us off I turn to my good friend E and say - what are the odds that we are actually going to get a cab to drive us all the way back there. Not that it was THAT far - but it was definitely off of the main road and I would have no idea how to direct a cab there in the daylight, let alone after 2 a.m. after having a few libations.

So we decide to go to Leggetts since the Osprey was looking a little sparse. As soon as I walk in i feel instantly old. E decides to make tequila her drink of choice and proceeds to encourage this 12 year old to attach himself to me. I honestly don't know how he got in the bar. I think he was still in college. He had this surfer/homeless look about him with holes in his polo shirt and a shaggy haircut that kept getting in his eyes so he would whip his head to the side to fix them. Kind of like this :

I swear he could have knocked someone out with that hair flip. He will not leave my side as hard as I try to shake him off. Finally after me rejecting him about 25 times he got the hint and ran away.

So the bar closes and E and I go to grab some pizza that we love so much. She's too busy texting so I help myself to her slice as well. Now. the cabs are lined up outside so I decide to start interviewing for our trip home. 1. Do they have a GPS? 2. How much are they charging? I finally find a cab who does have a gps and says he would charge us $45 - which I bartered down to $40 (I have such good negotiation skills). So we hop on in and say goodbye to all the cabs who refused to drive us that far. So we finally get to my aunts house and all of a sudden we are back up to $45. E starts questioning him as to why he doesn't have one of those tickers that calculates how much we owe...we do have enough sense to take down his personal cell phone number in case we need to use him the next night.

The next day I'm putting everything away from my clutch and I suddently realize that my license is missing (along with my new lipstick). I immediately start to panic although I do stupid stuff like this all the time so I honestly wasn't surprised. I immediately call the cabbie (i've forgotten his name). And get the most bizarre voicemail - which I was tricked by the 59 other times I tried to call him. He says awlo? pause. awlo??? pause. pause. then says about 3 lines in what i think is arabic and then says to leave a message in english. I swear I thought he was actually answering the phone each time.

So we head to the beach to meet our other friends and I decide to try to retrace my steps. First I look outside in my aunt's lawn. nothing. then once we were back in the area I went back to leggett's. so the bartender is asking us all of these questions including what the name of the cab company was. which i can't remember (but i also have a funny feeling that the car was unmarked which i am embarrassed to admit to the bartender). (He also makes a funny face when i tell him the cab driver gave us his personal cell phone number). (Then E makes a funny face when she remembers there was no ticker). Were we duped? Had a local driven us home that night instead of a legitimate cab driver?? On top of all this I felt like my entire world went to shit when I stepped back into Manasquan - I had no gas, no money, no license, and no lunch. That's what that town can do to you.

So we spend the rest of the day at the beach and I'm developing alternate plans on how i'm going to get into the bar that night. On our way back to the car we notice the shack next to the osprey that we had considered renting. Instead of our friends - it was occupied by these frat looking guys grilling some hamburgers. We sigh that we are houseless this summer and keep on walking. So E and L our other good friend start our trek to find the Sonic that we saw on our way to the beach. I was super excited that a Sonic had opened in the area and wanted E and L to experience the Sonic deliciousness. L had to follow us cause she had taken her own car and we put the poor girl on this wild goose chase because i needed gas (at a sonoco) and money (from a bank of america). my little tom tom kept taking us to sonocos that were no longer sonocos and b of a's that were no longer b of a's. so it was becoming very unfun running all of our errands. I managed to lose L a couple of times and then we finally made it to the sonic and chowed down on popcorn chicken poppers, tater tots, a mini ice cream sundae, and mozzerella sticks. it was delish.

so we make it back to my aunt's house and i shamefully grab the phone book to start trying to call other cab companies. finally i get a call on my cell phone - SARAH! HOW ARE YOU? like we were long lost friends...it was cabbie and he had my license! however the catch was that we had to meet him in Asbury park which was about 25 minutes away and in not the best area. so even though we were all sleepy and sun soaked from the beach we piled back up into the car again to get my most precious license.

So we are near a shady area and all of a sudden i see my cabbie poke his head out of the window in the parking lot. We drive over and with a big smile on his face he hands me my license AND lipstick (yay!) through the window. there are three girls in his backseat who have looks on their faces like wtf is going on? is this some kind of drug transaction? so mission successful - the osprey plan is back on!

We get all gussied up and ready to go. L and I are wearing pretty much identical denim dresses which makes us look like back up singers to E who is dressed in black. We start out at Leggetts again where we chat with this one guy who seriously had a chip on his shoulder. He started out by saying we looked like we were having a horrible time. Oookkk. way to make a group of girls start chatting.

We decide to then head over to the Osprey where I'm so excited to have some sightings from the past two summers. To my dismay it was so different. Completely different crowd. New rules regarding footwear. My bartender is not at his usual location. Not good. So we do a couple of laps throughout the bar. I don't see any of the lifeguards from last summer which usually provide some entertaining stories and gossip. All of a sudden I think I see the back of one of my favorite lifeguard's heads which leads me to follow this mysterious person down the hall. I am losing E and L even more by the second. We then decide to say goodbye to the Osprey and head back over to Leggetts..

We find the guys that we were talking to at the beginning of the night and this is basically how the rest of the evening played out:

1. this brute of a guy tried to attack L and successfuly attacked me by knocking me to the ground with his death grip. it was seriously like beauty and the beast. he was trying to dance but his force was more than he realized and with essentially no effort he knocked me to the ground on my ass - i'm still recovering from the bruise.

2. going back to the shack of a house that the guys lived in and proceeding to eat hamburgers that probably had flies all over them at one point (after thinking back it was definitely the same hamburgers we saw them grilling on the walk back from the beach...scroll back up to beginning of story)

3. L making out with a boy who clearly had a piece of brain missing

4. E running a marathon

5. nohr the cab driver sweeping in to save us from that place

6. us stiffing nohr after all his good deeds

7. E asking me the next morning if i ever found Bobby Barker. Which is not his name. at all.

I couldn't have asked for a better weekend in the squan.

Alphabet Soup

That's how I feel like things are going right now: completely random but if you really try you can try to make some sense of it all and put those letters into an actual word.

W-O-R-K: I had my big Reunion weekend a couple of weekends ago. It was a huge success and we pretty much doubled our attendance from the year before. However there are always some unhappy campers in the group. Some of the finer feedback from the alumni:

" I WILL NEVER ATTEND A REUNION AGAIN LIKE THIS UNLESS THINGS CHANGE."

"In my opinion, it was almsost like they did not want to do a reunion but knew they had to put one together because that is what the alumni expect. PC should be ashamed of themselves on how they treat their alumni."

hahah in other words these comments make me proud to be an alum and to work my ass off to put on such a huge and complex event. (i did get other positive remarks but those aren't as fun)

L-O-V-E: Still on this roller coaster. As soon as I feel like I'm moving forward and up - my stomach flops as I go plunging down again...I'm still holding on though.

H-O-M-E: Well the house hunt continues. I managed to fall in love with a house on the wrong side of the tracks. When i went to show it to my dad we passed a hooker on the corner and the door knob to the back door was removed after someone tried to break in. That went over well. Haha the first isn't true but the second one is. Why does HGTV make everything look so easy and affordable??

T-V: Sadly - television is the most consistent thing in my life currently. I'm envious of Jillian on the Bachelorette, watching the Real Houswives of NJ is somewhat comforting in an odd way, and I watch the dancers religiously on So You think You Can Dance.

So all in all - life keeps going. But what is the word that I keep looking to spell with those soggy letters? Happy? Content? Changing? Complete?

I'm not sure exactly but all I know is that I try to keep

L-A-U-G-H-I-N-G.

Just YouTube It

Tomorrow is my birthday. 28. This past Saturday I had plans with friends to go out for dinner and drinks to celebrate. I've been known to try to look my best when it's a special occasion. Ya know I'll schedule a hair appointment, maybe get my makeup done, wear a new outfit. I've also been known not to react well when it doesn't work out as I had planned.

Saturday morning things started to unravel. First my hairdresser called because she had to cancel my appointment. She had an emergency with her baby who apparently fell. (i think she dropped him). Ok fine. I can do my own hair. Then I go to look at another condo with my realtor. No closets. No parking. No go. Ok fine. I'm not going to be homeless until Sept. 1 - I still have some more time. Then I find out the boy is definitely going to pass on coming out and is going to stay in and recover from being sick and work on finals (so studious). I'm bummed. Ok fine. We will go out on my actual birthday. That's better anyway. Then I go to the mall because I wanted to wear the fake eyelashes that the MAC counter convinced me to buy for my tv interview. It completely intimidates me to try to adhere something to my eye with glue. So i thought they could do it and maybe put some makeup on me while they were at it.

I go up to the counter and the woman tells me that they have a policy that they can't put eyelashes on customers that were already worn. Excuse me? I don't think you know who you are dealing with. Not budging. Not an inch. Then she says that putting them on is really easy and just to "youtube it". I think at that point I wanted to lean over and strangle her.

Now in the grand scheme of things putting on fake eyelashes is pretty meaningless and I'm sure if I took the time I could figure out how to do it. However now I'm about to start the 28th year of my life and am continuing to try to figure it all out when it comes to matters of the heart, my career and taking that next huge step in life when I finally find that dream house.

Maybe I'll just have to youtube it.

La la la la la la tonight!

I had the most random night last night. ( I also decided to just use real names in this post because i don't have enough energy to come up with fake ones and this post is not incriminating in any way and "foxy" is my only friend who has a nickname as ridiculous as that)

Let’s just say I started at the Cadillac Lounge (strip club) with my trainer who has never been to a strip club and had enough ones to tip all the strippers in providence. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that:

1. I was asked if I was here for my shift when I walked in.
2. I knew one of the waitresses – Donna – who is also my psychic.

I then went to meet foxy white at twist (one of my favorite restaurants)– who never showed up. I was holding court at the bar and chatted with two men over the age of 60 and then another older gentleman who bought me a drink. (i have had several at this point because i was trying to keep myself occupied while waiting for her) Her sister, her friend Trevor and this other guy David all came in because she also told them to go there. So the four of us hung out. Then I run into my other friend Gunther who was having dinner with some friends. Gunther is like – you should ask David who is brother is. (they all know each other because providence is one incestuous town). So I finally did.


David Knight. You figure it out.






Ok if you still haven't figured it out as soon as I found out I started spelling out nkotb with my body to Gunther through the glass window where he was sitting with his friends. David was of course in the bathroom at the time.

Update: Even though we thought foxy had stood us up that evening we came to find out that unfortunately she had gotten into a car accident while texting. (hit a pole while she was probably texting me back). I may have sent her a couple text messages insinuating that she was not telling the truth when she said she was on her way. Turns out that she lost her cell phone during the whole debacle and I'm almost positive that my texts went through post accident. If that's not a Seinfeldesq ending I don't know what is.

Good Old Joanie

I haven't written in awhile because I have been so busy. I've been house hunting and think I have found something that I want to put an offer on. In the meantime Joan my landlord has already found someone to rent out my apartment so basically I will be out on the street if I don't make a move.

This is all happening really fast and it makes me think back to all of the "events" that have occurred that have brought me and Joan together.

I slipped and fell on ice in front of the apartment so hard that I "flopped like a fish". I ended up breaking my elbow and tried to convince Joan to pay for my medical bills. It didn't work in my favor that I was intoxicated at the time of the fall.

Joan and I had to conduct an investigation when a huge box of jewelry worth $1,000 was stolen from the apartment building. (it would be my luck that my first huge jewelry party order was stolen) "Carlos the handyman" put it in front of the stairs and sometime between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm it went missing. Joan then insisted on going through each person's apartment when they weren't home which I believe is illegal.

Joan is deathly afraid of fire so my beautiful fireplace isn't even usable and because she boarded it up. However a bat/bird/squirrel/unidentifiable animal flew down the chimney and got stuck. It kept flapping/scurrying all around until I think it eventually died.

Being on the first floor everyone knows that heat rises. Also since this is an old home the air gets through every little crack and crevice. And since I am constantly cold I tended to keep the theromstat a little bit higher than normal. (ok much higher) Until Joan took it off one day and replaced it without me knowing with one that I couldn't turn above 70 degrees.

If I had a dollar for every time I said "JESUS CHRIST JOAN!" over these last four years I'd have the money for that downpayment on my new house.

Ahh. Good old Joanie.

As long as they don't make me do a burpee

So this Saturday was very eventful. I was a little down because my set up with a new guy on Friday night didn't go as well as it could have been. At one point he asked me if I was single - which I replied "yes" (why do you think we are being introduced?) and then he proceeded to ask if i was "out on the prowl" (he also made an animal like stance as he said this). I knew that it any hope was lost at that point.





But anyway - back to bigger and better things. Saturday was jam packed. I had my big tv interview in boston at 5:00 and i had a lot to do before then. One of those things was taking an intro class at a gym that these three guys recently opened in providence. what would lead me to cheat on my trainer boyfriend you ask? well the 3 owners are all extremely good looking. I have already had a "run in" with one of them a few years ago and was onto the 2nd one (the 3rd one i didn't know about until we took the actual class). So the 2nd one had come to an alumni networking event and he pursuaded (didn't have to twist my arm that hard) me and my friend to take the class. The whole class is based on the concept of team training and it's mostly using free weights and no machines. because i do anything to "put myself out there" i decided to go to the class even though doing new workout/athletic things scare the hell out of me. as i walk up to the door i see these people lifting huge ass weights like we were training for the freaking olympics. i also see them doing these things called burpees (which my trainer attempts to make me do sometimes) which is when you throw yourself down into a push up position and then jump up. See below:

They are a bitch to do and after 5 I can barely get my legs out from underneath me. These people were doing intervals of 10 at a time about 10 times. I was like oh shit. So we start our class and it actually wasn't too bad. The only thing that scared me was having to do a headstand against the wall. I was instantly transported back into gymnastics class when I was too scared to do something and convienently had to "go to the bathroom" and would try to wait until they had moved on to something else. I was proud of myself though - i completed the workout (including 10 pull ups) and managed to look cute in front of owner 1, 2 and 3.

On to the next thing - I ended up staying for a lovely nutritional lunch and then I had to go straight to the mall to get my makeup done (was hoping to shower before but didn't have time). So I get paired with Orlando who was a tiny latino gay man. We instantly bonded when I told him about my potential tv fame. Apparantly all the other makeup artists liked what he was doing because I soon had a crowd around me. I then tried to convince Orlando that I can take him with me if I get picked which he then said "of course zi vill". So Orlando and the other makeup people convince me to put on fake eyelashes - which I had never done before. I am IN LOVE with them. I didn't want to take them off. (after I watched celebrity apprentice last night i realized people wear them much more than I think) So after I had my "fresh, clean look" I ran off to get my hair cut.

I asked my hairdresser to throw a few curls in there which she did and then i had my eyebrows waxed. My eyebrows lady wasn't too impressed with my makeup job and then proceeded to try to "fix" it. I was ready to be horrified when I looked back in the mirror - but it wasn't too bad. I was severly running behind at this point. So ran home with my fake eyelashes, curled hair, and freshly coiffed eyebrows - cleaned myself up, attempted to shave my legs in the sink which then gave me razor burn, put on my cute new outfit for Forever 21 and was on my way.

So I make it to Boston and see a girl (also auditioning) waiting before me in a full on turquoise cocktail dress with matching shoes (i guess she did really take the friday night outfit to heart). I filled out the 30 page application where I think i signed over my first born child to ABC and got ready to head up to the room. While I walked down the long hallway to room 1001 I did have a fleeting thought that this was all a set up for a group of guys to attack me in a random hotel room. However Michael opened the door and was a cheery/slightly chubby man in his late 30's. He instantly made me feel less nervous and the interviewing began. I got to tell my heartbreak story, my chicago story and much more. It all went really well and he liked me a lot - said he was definitely going to "pitch" me to the other producers. (damn those eyelashes worked)

So then I waited for my single straight man to get there so that he could be interviewed too. While I waited I sat at the bar and staked out my competition. The girl after me was doing this whole "quirky/weird" look with all of these tattoos. Her single straight man Jimmy was 25 and acted seriously like he was 21. He was trying to pick everyone up at the bar - including me. Meanwhile my single straight man got there and was whisked away to the mysterious room 1001. Back to Jimmy trying to pick me and every other girl up - When I gently turned him down he made some comment about "thinking that i would be available since I was trying out for a dating show and all". So then I say "well the rules say you can't be in a committed relationship" he makes some snide comment and then i turned into the ultimate bitch (i don't know where this came from, i swear). And I say "Jimmy, I've dated dozens of guys like you". His face looked like i just shot his dog right in front of him. To which I dug my hole even deeper and said it was because he was so young. Ouch. So Jimmy leaves to go to the bathroom (compose himself) and when I ask the other guy at the bar if he thinks i hurt jimmy's feelings he called me a "stuck up snob" (or something just as bad) Double Ouch. So Jimmy comes back from groveling and I apologize. To which my single straight man comes out of his interview and is like "wtf did i miss while I was gone?"

I just managed to alienate all of the single straight guys at the bar while i was applying for a dating show. haha.

Whatever. Just as long as they don't make me do a burpee.

My attempt at 15 minutes of fame.

Haha but it's on soap net so I guess it will just be 10 minutes of fame.

So i get this email a couple weeks ago that is titled "looking for love?" which instantly caught my attention (those clever little bastards at abc). It describes this new show that they are starting on abc that is based on the movie "The Holiday" where cameron diaz and kate winslet switch cities for a vacation. (totally unrealistic because jude law shows up on cameron diaz's front door and instantly falls in love with her)

Anyway - so i instantly wrote back and said i was interested. Get a free vacation and the chance to meet new cute guys?? I'm in! I included some of my blog entries because i know that so many people love them from all the comments i always get. hehe So the casting director writes me back and tells me he wants to chat with me.

I get a call from him a few days later while I'm driving down to NYC to celebrate my friend's bday at a karaoke bar. Totally gave me bonus points that i was doing something soooo spontaneous like driving from RI to NYC to go to a karaoke bar. hahah. right. So we chatted for awhile and he definitely liked me and thought I was a fun. Which I responded "I think I'm fun too!" haha right.

So I got an email saying I made it to round 2 - whoo hoo! Which means that I have to go and charm the producers in person. So of course i bought a totally cute outfit and will be getting my hair cut.

Some of my friends are not so optimistic that I will be wisked away to a great city like Chicago and meet the man of my dreams. These are some other possibilities of what can happen:

• I am entered into athletic competitions to win dates.
• I am entered into Finding Luv with Flava Flav with New York as the host.
• Teila Tequila is my roommate.
• They fly me to east bum arkansas and my date is takin a ride on the ol' tractor to go milk some cows.
• It's all a joke and every guy I go out with is gay.

All I'm hoping for is that I end up on the show which then ends up on The Soup - and then it truly has all come full circle.