Hotlanta Hates Us (But we tried oh so hard to love it anyway)

Soooo I just got back from a weekend in Hotlanta to witness yet another one of my friends bite the dust and get hitched. I was super excited to see my friend, but with the way my current dating state of affairs has been was hesitant to be around all the lovey dovey stuff. Apparently Hotlanta was not feeling my arrival either.





I was traveling down with T who was the third of our Fab Four group. At one point in time we were a force to be reckoned with in Providence - myself, T, southern bell, and our fourth friend Foxywhite (that is her "business" name and I'm mortified every time she introduces herself as such). Unfortunately southern bell moved back to Hotlanta to be with her now husband and the Fab Four never quite survived her departure. Foxy didn't make the trip so it was just me and T in the great ATL!





So T and I got our big asses up at 4:30 in the morning to make it to the Boston airport for our 7:30 flight. I force us to both wear our University of Georgia t-shirts that southern bell sent us for Christmas to show good Georgia spirit. I was only able to fake the answers to approximately two questions when asked about the football team. ("Is there a game today?" "yes." aaaannndd hmmm ok maybe just one question). We get on the plane and there is something about planes that makes me extremely drousy. I proceed to pass out while we sat on the runway for an hour. There is a problem with one of the wings (reassuring) but I'm in such a deep sleep i have no idea what is going on (I'm sure if I was fully alert I would have wanted to exit the plane immediately) Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #1.





We finally get to ATL but have definitely missed the bridal brunch and I'm cursing the fact that I'm not sipping on a mimosa at this point. We go to get our luggage and of course mine is nowhere to be found. I'm trying to describe my oh so cute vera bradley suitcase in the java blue print to the "I have no empathy for anyone" Airtran employee and she is making me decide if there is more blue or brown in the pattern - which if anyone knows what I'm talking about there is a completely even mixture of both. And if I had to say "yes by pattern I mean a print" one more time I thought I was going to scream. Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #2





We finally get to the hotel and southern bell is so excited to see us as we are her. We hang around in her suite for awhile but eventually are so starving that we need to order room service for lunch. T and I go back to our room to wait for our food. And wait. And wait. And watch this horrible original lifetime movie starring freddy prinze jr. And wait. We decide to call and see what's going on before we really lose it and come to find out our order was never placed. Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #3.





After we ate a delicious lunch paid for by the Westin we get ready for the big event. We are told there are no shuttles to the ceremony so the best bet is to take a cab. All spruced up and trying not to break a sweat in the 95 degree weather we pile into a cab and ask Habnam Prhtghmrt to take us to the Trolley Barn. He then tells us that he has no idea where that is. Neither does the bellman, the security officer or anyone on the entire Westin hotel staff (ok i'm exagerrating but seriously isn't that what these people are there for). I proceed to have a mini hissy fit and storm back upstairs to our room to get the address from our little welcome bag.(I already ate about 5 snickers and chex mix) By the time I get back the bellman had already printed out directions for our cab driver which pissed me off even more. Apparently mapquest directions didn't help either because we still got lost - and then I saw that he had a navigation system sitting on the passenger seat the whole time. (What??). Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #4.





We make it to the ceremony and run down to catch a glimpse of southern bell who looks absolutely stunning. We then grab our seats for the big moment. The ceremony is all well and nice until the officiant starts talking about southern bell needing to be submissive to her new hubby and that he is the head of the household and she needs to respect him blah blah blah. I look over at T with this horrified look in my face (sorry sb! everything else was so so lovely) like what did he just say and did we take a plane this morning to 1954? Still not quite over my initial shock I looked around to see everyone smiling and nodding along. Scrambling to pick my chin up off the floor I realized that we might of as well had "Northerner" signs stapled to our cute floral dresses at that point. Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #5.





T and I quickly run to the champagne table during the cocktail hour and began downing as many peach bellini's that we could. Despite the slim number of single guys at the wedding the rest of the evening involved great food and dancing. One of southern bell's friends that she had told me about awhile ago was in attendance. (she also believes he is my "soul mate") (he also now has a girlfriend) (who is a stage 5 clinger). However in my drunken state by the end of the night I was able to go up to him while she was off getting another beverage and introduced myself as his soul mate. riiighht. That would be funny if the story ended right there yet he then proceeded to email me on mypsace the next day. I love how I attract unavailable men (in every meaning of the word) all over the country. Yet, the night was not complete without a 300 pound black man named Sammy that worked for the catering company coming up to me and in his souther drawl said "Missss Southeeerrrn Bell (haha he actually used her real name but that would have been funny if he called her that) told me that I could have one dance this eeevenin and I want that dance to be with yoouuu." Mother Fucker. Despite my initial reaction he really was very sweet and thankfully our "dance" was to some fast jay z song so we were able to keep the holy ghost between us. Hotlanta maybe doesn't hate us but likes to fuck with us sign #6


Let's just say the rest of the weekend included the following:



-Being picked up by four businessmen from Texas at the Hard Rock Cafe (Old Man Texan, Single Texan, Married Texan, and Quiet Texan that wore a cigarette over each ear).

-Proceeded to be grilled by Old Man Texas on questions such as what the population of Providence is, what my interests are (and kept insisting it was boys like a broken record as I tried to answer), and if i know where the Red River is (no but I will kill you and throw you in it in about 3 seconds).

-Then proceeded to get into an indepth discussion with the Single Texan about why the officiant told southern bell to be submissive. (I'm still not convinced) (Plus he looked like Slade from Real Housewives from Orange County - absolutely no credibility).

- Then proceeded to find a 24 hour diner with karaoke with Married Texan and Quiet Texan in which I of course became the star of the show.

-Brought a little NJ to ATL with Living on a Prayer (however it was slightly ruined by the high pitched singing of my Atlanta Gay that insisted on singing with me.) (i know. as soon as I walked in he recognized me as America's Hag. where was the paparazzi?)


Ok well maybe Hotlanta DID love us by the time we left. I mean what city would bring us four Texans, an Atlanta gay and 24 hours of karaoke in one night?

Oh and on the flight home we had to remain seated when we landed so that four state troopers could come on board and arrest a man for an unknown "altercation" with a flight attendant.
Nevermind. Hotlanta hates us.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

Tortured me on my ride home. I had to drive the rest of the way home with the overhead light on and my body rigid while the creepy thing crawled all over the place. Since this was at about 10:00 at night I had just about had it with this Monday.



After my extremely boring weekend I lined up all my ducks in a row to get ready for the week ahead. My apartment was clean, my clothes clean, groceries for the week. I was on top and ready to start Monday.



Well apparently Monday wanted none of it:



7:30 am - I go to take the turkey out to make my lunch and it's frozen. Completely frozen. I decide to try to defrost it by putting it above the pot of pasta I was making (I know - I'm crazy but I wasn't going to be home for dinner so I needed to pack that too) and proceeded to burn my hand. I resorted to breaking off a chunk of frozen turkey and slapping it on a slice of wheat bread with hope that it would defrost by the time I ate it.



9:20 am - After my boss tortured me for weeks about these welcome baskets I put together for freshmen he wanted me to take a picture of them. After I sent the picture I got this email: "Hmmmm not working for me. I have my camera here if you want to try again." deep breath in, deep breath out.



1:00 pm - Go to the doctor for a physical. On my lunch hour. HOUR. With my laundry list of ailments in tow I knew I was in trouble when they didn't even have me go into the room until 1:30. The doctor finally comes in - asks me a few questions and then tells me to get undressed while he goes to get something. He mumbles a lot so it sounded like "mmbmbmb get bmbmbmb undressed bmbmbmbm be right back mbmbm. So i'm sitting there in the gown and I can honestly feel my blood pressure rising as i count the minutes go by and no sign of the doctor. What are the rules with that? Is there a certain amount of time that goes by before you can go outside in the hall and ask for help with your bare ass out there for the doctor's office to see? Then you try interpreting every sound. Which door is opening? Is it mine? No. Who is talking in the next room? Is it the doctor? Is he seeing another patient?? It's enough to make you insane. You have this whole speech prepared in your head about how doctor's need to respect their patient's time and blah blah blah. Yet when he comes in you say nothing. Finally he comes back and we proceed through the ackward procedure. I then try to convince him that I have thyroid problems (trouble losing weight, always cold, needing 12 hours a sleep a night). Apparently my doctor wasn't convinced and mumbled something about going on the South Beach diet. thanks.

2:40 - I speed back into work and didn't have time to drop off a care package (i stole one of the freshman welcome baskets) for my cousin who started as a freshman at Quinnipiac. I then lug it to the on campus post office which has already closed. So then I lug it back. I'm the new ups girl apparently.

6:30 - I go see my trainer. Which is not my red headed boyfriend. He quit/was fired (still in question) and didn't even say goodbye. And now he won't return my calls or answer my facebook emails. I now have Kim. Who is very good. YET she kicks my ass every time. No more pouting or trying to get out of exercises. She means business and I'm in trouble.

Which brings me to 10:00 pm when I'm driving home from visiting the sorority that I started to advise after training them on recruitment (that's a whole other story) and discover the spider taking up camp on my dashboard and laughing in my face at how ridiculous my ridiculous day was ending.




side note - I do realize that this was posted on Tuesday - I was so exhausted/pissed off that I couldn't bring myself to finish it last night. oh. and the spider is still on the loose in my car.

VMA's = WTF?

OK - The VMA's were seriously messed up this year. This is honestly one of the most atrocious shows that airs on television.

1. Are they in a garage? Why is it so small? MTV definitely had some budget cuts.
2. I am seriously let down by all the Britney hype. She said two lines.
3. Rihanna literally sounded disturbed. not good.
4. What the fuck was up with "speidi" (a la Spencer and Heidi). They should be killed.
5. I wish I could have legs like Demi at age 45. Heck I wish I could have legs like that now.
6. The Jo Bros are performing on a sound stage that resembles any sitcom that aired in the last 10 years. I don't get this. What is going on?
7. Who is this host? I thought he was in that movie - but is this how he is like all the time? I thought that was just a character.
8. Michael Phelps should just stick to swimming. and did he walk out with headphones on or earmuffs?
9. Thank god for Tivo - I was able to fast forward through all of the rap performances.
10. DID ANYONE PRACTICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO SAY?? No one can read off of the teleprompter.

I'm sorry. I can't watch anymore. Sadly I will never get these 68 minutes back.

update - i lied. i did watch a little bit more and did see Pink. who redeemed the entire show. she rocked it and i love her.

I'm bored out of my mind..

Ok - so it is definitely a Saturday night and I'm admitting to writing in my blog. I blame it on the hurricane outside.

TBS must have known I was home bored out of my mind so they have already played Failure to Launch for me and now My Best Friend's Wedding. So I'm watching My Best Friend's Wedding and first of all this movie is a lot funnier than I remembered but there were also a few disturbing things that came to mind:

1. Julia Roberts plays a 27 year old in this movie. For some reason I think I thought she was supposed to be a lot older but her and Michael's "pact" was to get married before they turned 28. Suddenly this movie became a lot more relevant.
2. How the hell did she fit that zack morris cell phone into her clutch at the wedding?
3. Which of all my gays would I pick to be my leading gay man? I would have to hold some kind of competition.
4. Cameron Diaz definitely had a few extra lb's when she first started out. Not that I'm judging. But I am.

I don't think I have it in me to watch the next TBS selection The Perfect Man. Two words: Hilary Duff.

Here's to Winter

So this past weekend my mom came up to visit me in good old Providence. I have a really good relationship with my mom so I was looking forward to her visit - although i had to mentally prepare myself for comments regarding my eating habits, the state of my apartment, and of course my dating life - which I knew were inevitable.



So mom arrives on Thursday night and while I go to work the next day she begins to tear my apartment apart. Now I don't consider myself a really messy person but I guess with the fabulous lifestyle I have (haha jk) it's hard to keep some of the real nitty gritty cleaning up. So when I get home I sit down to my first lecture - "Sarah you have stay on top of the dust" (ok so i may have noticed some dust balls the size of small rodents) "Sarah you have to pull the stove away from the wall sometimes" (ok she may have found enough seasonings that fell behind there to make a top chefesq entree) and finally "Sarah you have to take the time to put away your clothes" (ok I might have had so many clothes on the floor I could have clothed those dustball rodents".) So after the cleaning lecture we let the fun begin.



We decided to drive into Boston with my good friend J and his boyfriend R. First we take a walk down Newbury St. where mom kindly treats me to the 5 for $25 deal at Vicky's Secret so that I could throw away some of my old granny underpants (another thing she noticed during the cleaning frenzy) and some new clothes at H&M. Not my first choice for a clothing excursion but when mom is buying I don't argue. And this store was a ton better than the one at the mall when I have to find my size in a pile of clothes on the floor.



So then we head to dinner and of course I am taken aback at our gorgeous waiter, Pete. Pete looks like someone who auditioned for the role of Danny Zucko on that show "You're the One that I Want" so I was always expecting him to break out into song when he came to the table. J's favorite activity is to play matchmaker so he proceeded to try to make conversation with him the entire time. Well Pete wasn't too smart because at one point he came over and asked us if we wanted dessert and we hadn't even gotten our meals yet. We proceeded to laugh in his face and I swear he ran away and cried in the bathroom. J wants to tell him that he's hot. Mom tells him not to because then Pete will get so flustered that he will mess up all of his other orders for the evening and then will go home and kill himself. (mom! who knew she had such a disturbed mind although I swear we were laughing for like 10 minutes after she said that). So after we were finished harassing Pete we then left and made our way to a comedy club. We landed a seat in the front row so I thought for sure we were going to have a few laughs at our expense. (the best kind). Sadly - the comedians were horrible! I could have gotten up there and done better - Pete the waiter was effortlessly funnier than these guys.



The next night mom and I went to Watefire, a unique event to providence where they light fires along the canal. I know it sounds like a pyromaniac's heaven but it really is a nice event. We go on this boat ride on the canal and since the fire's were just lit mom was convinced we were going to catch on fire. We are taking pictures of each other but when i suggest we have a picture taken together she says no, that's queer. She also makes a comment that people might think we are in the lesbian boat because these two women behind us (who look like mother and daughter) are holding hands the entire time.

After we avoid getting our hair lit on fire we then make our way over to one of my favorite bars for some after fire drinks. Ok so a few days ago I met this guy from Lebanon who has not stopped texting me. So mom says - tell him to come meet us for a drink. I ponder and think this could go really really well or horribly bad. So I decide to take my chances invite him and he quickly agrees. He starts telling us all about how he won the silver medal in the olympics (in like '88 - you do the math) for taekwondo. and all about the movie he is premiering in october. (something about a woman with AIDS infecting men cause she hates them) I had heard all about this the first time i met him and apparently those are his two favorite topics to talk about. things went surprisingly well except for the fact that he didn't offer to buy us drinks - which was a big no no in mom's book. The other thing to point out is that he has been texting this other girl i know and she also showed up at the bar so that was a nice little awkward Lebanese combo.

Meanwhile I have a slight crush on the bartender and I am majorly using mom to score some points. He keeps forcing martinis on her and then we decide to all do a shot together. So he tells my mom to pick what we are going to toast to. Now mom doesn't do well with thinking of things on the spot so she says something like "here's to the end of the year, summer being over." i look at her like THAT is what you thought of?? we have the hottest bartender in providence buying us a shot and THAT is what you say?? Later on she says well what i could have said is "Here's to my daughter finding a husband." haha touche`. So after I almost die of embarrassment hot bartender smiles and says...I like it, "Here's to Winter". oy.

Diddily Dicking

My trainer at the gym accused me of this today. Sometimes he says things that are kind of random and this day wasn't any different. So why was I so called "diddily dicking"? Well over the weekend as I was getting my drink at the bar I got so excited at the song that came on that I decided to skip back to where my friends were standing. Since I had already pulled some kind of muscle the week before my body clearly couldn't handle the skip so my hip gave out and I pretty much turned what was supposed to be a whimsical fun movement into a clumsy, ungraceful, pathetic way to enter a room. So now I'm limping around like an old woman. It's very attractive.

Pause - I don't know if I have told you yet that I pretty much invest all of my mediocre income into a 20 year old red head ordering me around so that i can try to lose weight. My trainer and i have a love/hate relationship. I enjoy yelling at him when he makes me do things like the plank (this horrible exercise where I am basically on my elbows trying to hold my fat ass up in the air for more than 15 seconds) or these things called mountain climbers (because seriously would I ever climb a mountain in real life or for pretend. i didn't think so) but I honestly would miss him if i didn't see him on a regular basis. I swear. Plus - he's probably the most consistent hetero male in my life at the moment. Sad, but true. Except I am constantly reminded on how we would never be in the same social circles. I was told I was too old to be invited to any of his parties. ouch.


So anyway - after he said this ridiculous phrase and still not sure really what it meant it made me think how this phrase could apply to a wide variety of moments that I have experienced lately.


Diddily Dick Moment #1


I approach a guy I hung out with the night before after I see him park him and his group of friends on the beach right behind me and my friends (a pure accident) in a "light and breezy" way just to say hi. I had this whole plan worked out that would time our "run in" completely right. Of course things cannot be that easy and now we have been within a few feet of each other for pretty much the whole morning. I decide to approach him while him and his friends are about to leave the beach. Like a deer in headlights as he sees me approach he completely shuts down and/or almost goes into cardiac arrest and stands like a statue while I am scraping for words to make this any less awkward. For a split second I think - is the sun shining on me in a way that makes me unrecognizable from the night before? Haha of course not - I just have apparently broken the cardinal rule. Never make any form of contact in broad daylight. Was I diddily dicking or was he?





Diddily Dicking Moment #2


When I'm on the beach all I really crave is an Italian ice. Last summer mango was my flavor. This summer it is key lime pie. It is so refreshing I'm in heaven every time I eat it. THAT IS when they have it in stock. This poor twelve year old girl (yes they use child labor) working the ice stand had to endure the wrath of me when she told me that they were all out of key lime ice that day. Basically after blurting out every explicative that I could think of and I threw in a "I will fucking kill you" under my breath the girl looked like I had just transformed into the monster that used to hide under her bed. I am a huge diddily dick.





Diddily Dicking Moment #3

At work the other day I had to use the bathroom for evil. I try to avoid this at all costs but just couldn't get around it this day. All of a sudden the toilet is making this gurgling noise and I can seriously hear it laughing at me like "hahah you thought you were going to get away with this but I will make this the worst day of your life". I start to break out into a sweat because I honestly would escape through the back door and never return if the toilet started to overflow. I take a deep breath and say a quick prayer while I make another attempt to flush. It all starts to go down and I honestly almost get down on my knees thanking god for sparing me from what could have clearly been one of my most embarrassing days. Diddily Dicking at its best.

24 Hours in the Windy City

I think that I did the craziest thing in my life this past weekend.

It all started when I was at my friend L's wedding on the beach in Rhode Island. I was there with our other good friend B. We were sharing a hotel room with his friend E. The wedding was beautiful and we were having a great time. I started talking about how I've been dying to go to Chicago...B and I were talking about when we could possibly go and all of a sudden E says let's just go tonight! E apparantly has some money and was actually willing to buy the three of us tickets as well as book us a hotel room at the swank W hotel for no reason whatsoever. I immediately say I'm in. Chicago + free = totally for me. I was psyched.

He has his "secretary" (does anyone still really use that term anymore) book us the flights and we were only able to get one for 6:30 in the morning. So we continue to enjoy the wedding and the bars afterward. We were pretty typsy and decide to go to sleep for an hour or so. We wake up at 4:30 in the morning and still in a slight drunkin daze manage to get ourselves together to head to the airport. Things were kind of frenzied because B of course didn't have any of his things packed.

We get to the airport kind of late and there is mad chaos inside. I have never seen so many people at 6:00 in the morning. We make it to security - I had decided to carry my bag on. (my bag that included my dress from the night before and a tank top and shorts and pretty much that's it) when i realized that i had all of my toiletries not in the little containers that they were supposed to be in. we are now majorly late for our flight and in a panic i run back over to the check in counter to see if i can get my bag checked. i am able to and i manage to scurry back through security and onto our flight. We have to change planes in Philadelphia and i pray that my bag is along for the ride.

11:30 a.m. - We arrive in the great city of Chi-ca-go. My bag is nowhere to be found. The lady at the desk is no help to me whatsoever and I'm getting ready to wind my hand back to slap her and say I will f--king kill you when B finds my bag just laying all by it's lonesome on another carousel. Slap averted.

12:24 p.m. - Our car service (yes that's correct) drops us off at the W hotel and I seriously am doubting whether they were going to let us stay in such a nice place when we looked like vagrants.

2:06 p.m. - After walking down the Magnificent Mile and having lunch B and I decide to take a much needed nap.

5:40 p.m. - Refreshed we head to Market Days which is the largest gay festival in Chicago and is located in Boys Town. I knew I had landed in Boys Town when the mural on the wall was a Bud Light ad with two guys and the words "Be who you are".
pause - I forgot to add that my friend B and his friend E are both homosexuals and that the caveat to me going on this all expenses paid getaway was that i suck it up and be a lesbian. i mean dress like a lesbian. which i was since all i had in my bag was two wifebeaters (one white and one orange) and a pair of cacki shorts. It was either between that or my party dress from the night before and look like a drag queen.

6:58 p.m. - I am drunk on some mysterious green concoction that the gays keep feeding me. Gay boys are coming up to me left and right like moths to a flame. For a second I feel like Kathy Griffin, but cuter. The bar we are at has this fabulous activity set up where we all have numbers on our shirts and people can write notes to each other. I pretty much threaten this one gay boy into writing me a note which I then flaunt to every person I see after that.

7:16 p.m. - A boy dressed as a lifeguard and nothing but a speedo on comes in and somehow we start talking. I make some comment on how he wouldn't be interested in me. He gets all solemn and almost like the room got dark and there was a light shining on him he says "you never know - things are not always as they appear." i am so confused at this statement and as he is running away i'm shouting - wait! does that mean that you are straight???

7:55 p.m. - A gay man who honestly looks like Frankenstein tells me that I'm beautiful. I am flattered.

8:32 p.m. - Another group of guys and one girl walk in. One of the guys is very cute so me in my all new confident attitude walks right up to him and tells him that I think he's hot. I go on and on about how I know he doesn't care what I think but I just needed to say it. He looks at me and says "I'm straight". I almost fall over for my prayers have been answered. I have found the one straight guy that walked in through those doors.

10:07 p.m. - After doing 2 Irish car bombs I am now teetering on the brink of becoming sick. Thankfully knowing my limits at my age I quickly go into damage control. I immediately order water, down it and need another one. The first bartender was a woman and gave it to me for free, the second time it was a guy bartender and he wanted to charge me for a bottle. I am so pissed at this point and he won't budge. So i decide to accuse him of being prejudiced of straight people and say "what is it because i'm not gay!!??" he then refuses to serve me at all. since i was now standing with my new gay posse they calm me down buy me a bottle of water.

10:45 p.m. - I am still hanging out with my new cute straight boyfriend and we are having a fabulous time dancing because as we all know gay bars play the best music. As we walk from room to room he takes my hand and is seriously getting looks and cat calls from the men as we walk by. Some are disgusted when they see me attached to him, some are proud and shout something like "hold on to him girl". I am weirdly flattered by all of this and wonder how much he is actually secretly enjoying it.

1:22 a.m. - B takes a liking to new cute straight boyfriend's friend so the four of us go out for burritos and i am annoyed that they forget to put guacamole in mine. New cute straight boyfriend and I piss B off by wearing our sunglasses and singing "i wear my sunglasses at night".
I am elated at how the night has turned out and by the fact that I haven't lost anything.

9:00 a.m. - Walk myself to Starbucks and order a Vivanno AND a spinach feta wrap. I know - scandalous. I am on top of the world with how the weekend turned out and want to continue my rock star lifestyle right on into my breakfast order.

11:20 a.m. - I'm on my flight back home wondering how this all happened. It may not have been how I originally envisioned my first trip out to Chicago - but I certainly wouldn't have changed one second of it.