It's Cold Out There

What's that saying? It's either feast or famine? Pouring buckets or a drought? I recently met someone and knock on wood it's been going really well. I don't want to say too much about it because I'm always superstitious that I will jinx it somehow. However - it seems to be sending out some signal into the dating world that this opportunity has come upon me because all of these past "flings" have resurfaced recently.

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #1 - The French Writer. Met at the new club Shrine at Foxwoods over the summer. I couldn't get past the fact that all we talked about was the fact that he was French. and a Writer. I'm surprised his text message didn't say "hey étranger".

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #2 - Blast from the Past. He surely got the bat call cause I met him in nyc AT LEAST 3 years ago. Took the Chinatown bus up to see me one weekend. Never to be heard from again. Until 2 days ago.

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #3 - The Golf Pro. I must have talked about him before at some point since we have been on and off for at least a year and a half. He is currently thinking we are "on".

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #4 - "John" from post "Tagteam back again". We actually ended up going out one night to this extravagant dinner/show - put on by himself. To not hear from him again until I get this text at 6:40 am. "You are the first thing I think about when I wake up". hahah what? To which I respond "I think you meant to send this to someone else".

Was never in from the cold #5 - Pabsblue - Someone I talked to on an online dating site - literally 3 years ago. Suddenly has resurfaced, has a girlfriend, yet wants to know when he can take me out on the town. Eerily remembers things that I told him when we initially talked. I needed to remind him that 1. he still has a girlfriend and 2. we have never met and 3. is your screenname supposed to be a type of beer?

and last but not least

Would get married to not be left out in the cold #6 - My POF Pilot. When I asked if he could fly for free he responded - yes and when we are married you can too. Then when he didn't hear from me in awhile left a message saying - what did you go off and get married? Whoa. put down the wedding magazines and stop dialing the phone number to a wedding planner.

And I made sure to tell "John" when I saw him on facebook before I went to bed the other night..."You are the last thing I think about before I go to sleep."

You better get your hat and mittens.

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

So one of my favorite bars called me on Tuesday saying that my name had been picked for one of their VIP parties. What does that exactly mean - well they give you $3 drink specials and some free apps. However there was a twist - whichever VIP host could bring in the most guests would win a $100 bar tab. That my friends, I could definitely use.

So I immediately go into anxiety mode - who would I invite, would anyone actually come? While I have a number of friends from lots of different places in Providence, I didn't have a solid group of people that I knew would definitely come. I decided to create an event on Facebook and adorned it with one of my favorite picks from Southern Bell's wedding - me with the blow up guitar. How could anyone not want to go to a party hosted by me??

So for the first 24 hours I was the only person attending - (I think I invited around 25 people). I was seriously in a full blown panic. Not only was no one coming but everyone could see that no one was replying yes. Thankfully my friend J and his partner agreed to go so I knew that I wouldn't be by myself. A few others trickled in but that was about it. So then I had the dilemma of whether or not I ask my boss to attend. He is on Facebook and I had invited some other people from work that are on Facebook so I knew that he would see it. He already had made a comment about how he wasn't sent my Halloween pics as Sarah Palin - but saw them from someone else. So I decided to go ahead and invite him - and of course by 10:00 pm last night. It was me, J and R, T, and my boss. Exceellllleeennt.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. (which I totally will when its only me and my gays - at least I know they are loyal).

This Love Will Last Forever

I just got home from one of the most surreal experiences that I've had in awhile. I just attended the New Kids on the Block concert. Jordan, Jon, Joey, Danny and Donnie. Back together again. Life really is good.

A few things I noticed:

• About 95% of the attendees were women in their late twenties - early forties
• About 90% of the 95% were about 20 pounds + overweight.
• About 80 % of the 90% designed some kind of puff paint/scanned photo/highlighter matching NKOTB shirt with their friends.
• About 75% of the 80% we could not distinguish whether their "throwback" to the eighties was a costume or how they really dress.
• About 100% had been preparing for this night since they listened to "I'll be loving you forever" on their walkman (on repeat) the night their boyfriend broke up with them in middle school.

I have to say - age has been good to all 5 of the New Kids - all were extremely hot. I fell in love all over again. I screamed my head off like I was 10 years old again sitting in my living room watching the Hangin Tough video.

The bizarre part was that it was all exactly the same. They sounded the same - My heart skipped a beat when Jordan went into his falsetto. They were even dressed the same as they were 15 years ago. Joey in his classic skinny black tie, Danny in his muscle tee, Donnie in his chains and Red Sox hat, Jon in his button down still looking like the stage is the last place on earth he wants to be, and Jordan with his flowing unbuttoned shirt.

And of course the dance moves were the same - the right stuff hand in belt side step, the arm swinging hangin tough, the 87 pivot turns while they stand in a row, and Joey belting out Please Don't Go Girl while on his knees - it was like I was watching it 15 years ago and everything was the same - just that they were slightly older and hotter. I loved every minute of it.

Donnie pulled a sign out from the crowd because he thought the simple words had such a lasting impact on him. That never in his wildest dreams would he think they would be back here in this moment. Who knew that as a grown woman I would be screaming my head off for the five guys I loved in the 4th grade. Just as that sign said - This Love Will Last Forever.

Change Apparently Wears a Size 2XL

So I am sitting in my apartment watching the results of one of the most significant elections in history. I am very excited (still very nervous) about what this can mean for our country. Change is definitely upon us whether that change is good or bad. (except wtf is up with CNN talking to people via hologram during the election results).

I think change is funny. People are so scared of it yet it happens all the time. My ten year high school reunion is approaching next year and it makes me think about how much things have changed since those days when I hugged all my closest friends good bye and we all approached the next adventure in our lives when we spread across the east coast and headed to college.

Because I have a disease that I call ODT (obsessive to do) I decided to take over planning our reunion. (usually this is up to the President of the Class but I completely disregarded that minor detail).

So in my true ODT fashion I sent out an email on behalf of the "committee" to the entire class. All of these people who I never talked to in HS were sending me emails at how appreciative they were of my planning. I truly believe that I am going to relive my entire 4 years in one night (a la romy and michelle's high school reunion) The only nasty email I got was from this one girl who seriously came up to my left boob in height, had hair down to her knees and who I thought was a lesbian for all four years but turns out she got married to a man. woops.

Her lovely note:

"Whoa did you seriously think it was ok to publish my email address to all these people?

And you got my name wrong.

You may want to consider getting people’s permission before shotgun blasting their contact information around the world. I don’t want any of these people knowing how to talk to me."

In which I wanted to respond with - Whoa, did you actually think anyone was looking to contact you and have you gone for a haircut yet? But I was nice and simply told her I would take her off the list.

Anyway...back to change. So in the meantime I have also been friend requesting people on Facebook. And I came across something that scarred me for life. My high school crush. Let's just say that my beautiful, tall, charismatic boy of a crush doesn't quite look like he used to. So much so that I almost didn't recognize him. Now I'm 100 % sure that I wasn't the only girl with braces and in the marching band that drooled over him so I am very concerned about him making his grand entrance at our reunion. He will for sure upset many people (probably all of the closeted high school gays as well) So I decided to write him a letter.

Dear Love of My Life,

I recently came across your facebook profile and was quite taken aback from what my eyes saw. In fact I believe my exact words were "My eyes, my eyes!" as I covered my face in horror. In high school you were the image of perfection and now you are just a rather large image. I am concerned. Very concerned. I cannot, will not, let the love of my life enter our high school reunion looking like he ate the rest of the football team for dinner. So. We have decided to have an intervention. We have called the Biggest Loser - they just so happen to be doing a special on reunions. Allison is waiting in the car outside. Just put down the hot dog and beer and do this for all of us. I know that there is that lean, muscular, heartbreaker underneath those layers and he's just waiting to bust out and show his classmates that he is just as much of a hottie now that he was in high school.

All my love,

Sarah

P.S. I made sure to order low carb apps for the reunion.

** It only took me about 3 hours to write this post because I kept getting distracted. We just found out that Barack Obama just won the election. Change is good. :)

swimming with the fishes

So my friend just convinced me to try this new dating sight called Plentyoffish.com. Which I can never remember and so far have called it

-I love the fishes
-Lots of fish in the sea
-I eat fish
-Look at my pet fish

It's a free dating site. And since free = for me I couldn't resist. So after I quickly put my profile together and signed up I started hearing from people. I have just found my latest procrastinating technique at work. This is going to do some serious damage.

Currently I get easily distracted by
- checking my hotmail account every 30 seconds.
-having multiple conversations on aim
-checking facebook statuses
-planning my high school reunion
-checking up on my jewelry orders
-paying bills
-checking cnn.com so i can sound knowledgeable

umm i think that might be it for now. Since that took up about 65% of my time - my newest discovery of slippery fish definitely upped that to about 85%.

Ok - so since this site is free and slightly ghetto the graphics are not really up to par and they seriously display about 50 pictures across your screen at the same time. Ok goldfish - you are not making this easy to be discreet at work.

Then they have this im feature where guys can instantly contact you and the box pops up on your screen. And unlike aim where you can control if the screen is minimized or not - this im box pops up every single time someone says something. At one point my boss was looking at my screen over my shoulder about something and I was literally praying that one of these little pesky boxes didn't fly up.

I'll have to keep you posted on my success on this site. I will be sure to tally how many forty year olds guys who take pictures of themselves through the mirror contact me.

Did I mention that I don't like fish?

Tagteam Back Again

I'm sorry. I know. I have disappeared. For the 2 people that read my blog on a consistent basis I have no excuse. I've actually been busy. I feel like so much has happened yet in the end so much is still the same.

To bring us all up to speed:

My mother has become my wingwoman and we almost got into a fight at a bar. I know - those two statements should not even be said apart let alone within the same sentence. My parents made one of their routine treks up to Providence for a visit. Their visits usually consist of the same things: lots of eating (usually italian), shopping at the PP mall, waterfire, and me sleeping on the couch. Anyway - so after dinner we decide to go to one of my favorite bars to watch the red sox/devil rays game. Ok my dad wanted to watch the game - I wanted to watch all of the cute guys watching the game.





So as we are standing there, I notice these two guys behind me. I also notice this 40 something probably approaching 50 something woman sit down at a nearby table with her girlfriend. She is totally trying to pick up the guys behind me in her true cougar style.





Hahah unfortunately I don't have a picture of this woman but I found this one to be so hysterical because the caption underneath was "If a rabid cougar wins Dancing With the Stars are you out?" The answer is yes.

So now I'm totally eavesdropping on their convo as she sauntered over to the guys. She is pretending the she knows them from somewhere and then I hear her say that she is a pole dancer. That's right a pole dancer. Oh wait. Did I mention that her arm was in a cast? Hahaha I can't even stop laughing writing this. So the guys are just entertaining her and then she goes back to her table. My mom and I are definitely glancing over (ok staring) in her direction because she is just a sight to see. I hear her saying John! John! Come over here! (she already was holding the other one captive with her one cougar paw). So I look at "John" and he tells me that is name isn't really John and that him and his friend told her that my mom was in fact their mom and that we were all family.

So we are laughing about it and all of a sudden cougar lady comes over with her prey (he definitely looked like he had been mauled at) and she starts rambling about how she "just came out to have a good time" and that her friend's son is dying (ok and you come to a sports bar) and that they "went out to take their mind off of things" and that there is "definitely some animosity here". So we all look at each and are like "no, no" "no animosity here" and then she says "well i want to hear it from her. and her" pointing at me and then my mom. so my mom and i are trying to hold back from laughing (i don't know if it was more that someone was picking a fight with us or the fact that the person had her arm in a cast) and we say "no - no animosity from us either". Not completely believing us she is looking around at everyone trying to be reassured. So eventually she is convinced and she decides to give us all fist pumps (even my dad at the bar who has no idea what is going on). Oh. I forgot to say that when she came over for her confrontation she had a mouth full of food and as she was yapping there was food/spit flying everywhere. Quite lovely.

So after our run-in with the cougar pole dancer we were able to get back to picking up these two gentlemen. Mom has had a few martinis so she is up out of her seat and we have started talking about her favorite topic - the election. She actually did really well fulfilling her wingwoman duties by talking to the one guy while I tried to charm the other one ("John"). The friend was being a good sport and actually was entertaining my mother. Not everyone would have done well in that situation (me out with my parents) but these guys were able to handle it pretty well - impressive.

At the end of the night we were a success - I gave "John" my number and avoided getting into a brawl with a cougar who dances on poles with one arm. What a team.




Update - "John" turned out to be an ass almost immediately after that night. I should have let the cougar eat him.

Providence Socialite?

So I have reached new heights here in the city of Providence. I have sadly been living here long enough that I run into at least 2-3 people that I know every time I go out (one of them I probably made out with), I have gone to the same hair dresser, mechanic, dry cleaners, eye brow lady, gyno, nail salon for the last 5-6 years that I'm known by name as one of their regular customers (although at the nail salon she calls me Kim and I never corrected her).



But this month I made a breakthrough (I would say equal to being in US Weekly) my picture was featured in the party pics section of the popular Providence Monthly magazine that is up on all the hottest restaurants, shopping, and nightlife in Providence. I have done it - I've officially visited these "hot spots" frequently enough that they caught my picture and published it for all to see. Of course it's not the best picture of me (lets just say it's not facebook worthy). I mean I don't look horrible but i'm smiling extra big and my cheeks are a bright shade of red. Of course I'm being featured next to the Lebanese silver medalist. Remember him? (see post "Here's to Winter). Funny how by the time this magazine went to print we were no longer speaking. He probably just said something really inappropriate and I was fake smiling/slightly embarrassed hence the look on my face.



However - since the magazine was published I have gained celebrity status in the little city. So far I've been noticed by:



1. The trainers at the gym - I'm not going to lie - I'm probably pinned up in their locker but that's not saying much.

2. The women at my new nail salon (I had to leave the other one because even though my old one loved me as "Kim" i didn't love how they never had time to give me a mani/pedi).

3. The valet guy at a nightclub.

4. My former students at J&W - who had a hearty laugh at my expense. (Although it did spark the idea for them to nominate me for the magazine's February issue - Providence's Most Eligible Bachelors and Bachelorettes - I've only been dying to be in that issue for years. literally.)



Although - the best part of my new claim to fame has to be the title of the issue that I graced the pages of - "The Cheap Issue"

God I can't get a break in this town.