As long as they don't make me do a burpee

So this Saturday was very eventful. I was a little down because my set up with a new guy on Friday night didn't go as well as it could have been. At one point he asked me if I was single - which I replied "yes" (why do you think we are being introduced?) and then he proceeded to ask if i was "out on the prowl" (he also made an animal like stance as he said this). I knew that it any hope was lost at that point.





But anyway - back to bigger and better things. Saturday was jam packed. I had my big tv interview in boston at 5:00 and i had a lot to do before then. One of those things was taking an intro class at a gym that these three guys recently opened in providence. what would lead me to cheat on my trainer boyfriend you ask? well the 3 owners are all extremely good looking. I have already had a "run in" with one of them a few years ago and was onto the 2nd one (the 3rd one i didn't know about until we took the actual class). So the 2nd one had come to an alumni networking event and he pursuaded (didn't have to twist my arm that hard) me and my friend to take the class. The whole class is based on the concept of team training and it's mostly using free weights and no machines. because i do anything to "put myself out there" i decided to go to the class even though doing new workout/athletic things scare the hell out of me. as i walk up to the door i see these people lifting huge ass weights like we were training for the freaking olympics. i also see them doing these things called burpees (which my trainer attempts to make me do sometimes) which is when you throw yourself down into a push up position and then jump up. See below:

They are a bitch to do and after 5 I can barely get my legs out from underneath me. These people were doing intervals of 10 at a time about 10 times. I was like oh shit. So we start our class and it actually wasn't too bad. The only thing that scared me was having to do a headstand against the wall. I was instantly transported back into gymnastics class when I was too scared to do something and convienently had to "go to the bathroom" and would try to wait until they had moved on to something else. I was proud of myself though - i completed the workout (including 10 pull ups) and managed to look cute in front of owner 1, 2 and 3.

On to the next thing - I ended up staying for a lovely nutritional lunch and then I had to go straight to the mall to get my makeup done (was hoping to shower before but didn't have time). So I get paired with Orlando who was a tiny latino gay man. We instantly bonded when I told him about my potential tv fame. Apparantly all the other makeup artists liked what he was doing because I soon had a crowd around me. I then tried to convince Orlando that I can take him with me if I get picked which he then said "of course zi vill". So Orlando and the other makeup people convince me to put on fake eyelashes - which I had never done before. I am IN LOVE with them. I didn't want to take them off. (after I watched celebrity apprentice last night i realized people wear them much more than I think) So after I had my "fresh, clean look" I ran off to get my hair cut.

I asked my hairdresser to throw a few curls in there which she did and then i had my eyebrows waxed. My eyebrows lady wasn't too impressed with my makeup job and then proceeded to try to "fix" it. I was ready to be horrified when I looked back in the mirror - but it wasn't too bad. I was severly running behind at this point. So ran home with my fake eyelashes, curled hair, and freshly coiffed eyebrows - cleaned myself up, attempted to shave my legs in the sink which then gave me razor burn, put on my cute new outfit for Forever 21 and was on my way.

So I make it to Boston and see a girl (also auditioning) waiting before me in a full on turquoise cocktail dress with matching shoes (i guess she did really take the friday night outfit to heart). I filled out the 30 page application where I think i signed over my first born child to ABC and got ready to head up to the room. While I walked down the long hallway to room 1001 I did have a fleeting thought that this was all a set up for a group of guys to attack me in a random hotel room. However Michael opened the door and was a cheery/slightly chubby man in his late 30's. He instantly made me feel less nervous and the interviewing began. I got to tell my heartbreak story, my chicago story and much more. It all went really well and he liked me a lot - said he was definitely going to "pitch" me to the other producers. (damn those eyelashes worked)

So then I waited for my single straight man to get there so that he could be interviewed too. While I waited I sat at the bar and staked out my competition. The girl after me was doing this whole "quirky/weird" look with all of these tattoos. Her single straight man Jimmy was 25 and acted seriously like he was 21. He was trying to pick everyone up at the bar - including me. Meanwhile my single straight man got there and was whisked away to the mysterious room 1001. Back to Jimmy trying to pick me and every other girl up - When I gently turned him down he made some comment about "thinking that i would be available since I was trying out for a dating show and all". So then I say "well the rules say you can't be in a committed relationship" he makes some snide comment and then i turned into the ultimate bitch (i don't know where this came from, i swear). And I say "Jimmy, I've dated dozens of guys like you". His face looked like i just shot his dog right in front of him. To which I dug my hole even deeper and said it was because he was so young. Ouch. So Jimmy leaves to go to the bathroom (compose himself) and when I ask the other guy at the bar if he thinks i hurt jimmy's feelings he called me a "stuck up snob" (or something just as bad) Double Ouch. So Jimmy comes back from groveling and I apologize. To which my single straight man comes out of his interview and is like "wtf did i miss while I was gone?"

I just managed to alienate all of the single straight guys at the bar while i was applying for a dating show. haha.

Whatever. Just as long as they don't make me do a burpee.

My attempt at 15 minutes of fame.

Haha but it's on soap net so I guess it will just be 10 minutes of fame.

So i get this email a couple weeks ago that is titled "looking for love?" which instantly caught my attention (those clever little bastards at abc). It describes this new show that they are starting on abc that is based on the movie "The Holiday" where cameron diaz and kate winslet switch cities for a vacation. (totally unrealistic because jude law shows up on cameron diaz's front door and instantly falls in love with her)

Anyway - so i instantly wrote back and said i was interested. Get a free vacation and the chance to meet new cute guys?? I'm in! I included some of my blog entries because i know that so many people love them from all the comments i always get. hehe So the casting director writes me back and tells me he wants to chat with me.

I get a call from him a few days later while I'm driving down to NYC to celebrate my friend's bday at a karaoke bar. Totally gave me bonus points that i was doing something soooo spontaneous like driving from RI to NYC to go to a karaoke bar. hahah. right. So we chatted for awhile and he definitely liked me and thought I was a fun. Which I responded "I think I'm fun too!" haha right.

So I got an email saying I made it to round 2 - whoo hoo! Which means that I have to go and charm the producers in person. So of course i bought a totally cute outfit and will be getting my hair cut.

Some of my friends are not so optimistic that I will be wisked away to a great city like Chicago and meet the man of my dreams. These are some other possibilities of what can happen:

• I am entered into athletic competitions to win dates.
• I am entered into Finding Luv with Flava Flav with New York as the host.
• Teila Tequila is my roommate.
• They fly me to east bum arkansas and my date is takin a ride on the ol' tractor to go milk some cows.
• It's all a joke and every guy I go out with is gay.

All I'm hoping for is that I end up on the show which then ends up on The Soup - and then it truly has all come full circle.

Strippers, Shamrocks and Wellies, oh my!

Well this past weekend was very eventful. First on Friday night I met up with a high school friend and his coworker that were in town for a conference. Went out for a nice dinner on Federal Hill and then had some drinks at one of the Irish bars in Providence.

Well my friends were up in this area for a band conference and we happened to run into one of the band directors from our rival band out at the bar. I of course tried to start getting some "insider info" but wasn't having much success. All of a sudden we were giving him a ride back to the hotel - half the car didn't want to go home and half did. (we had to leave the bar because we suddenly realized we were the tallest people in the place - and that's not saying a lot. it was like the congregation of the leprechauns getting ready for st. patty's day) All of a sudden we were discussing going to the Foxy Lady - one of the many strip clubs in providence. Our rival band director "Ted" was all over that. I think it honestly was the highlight of his year. So we pull up to the place and there is a loud speaker with a recording of announcements almost like we were pulling up to a disney ride.

Let's just say it was quite the sight to see. To be with a group of guys that included one straight married man with a baby at home, one gay man, one in the closet gay man, and one desperate straight man was very interesting. I am always shocked at how these women don't even look good! This one stripper who was definitely on something literally had no ass and no boobs and yet there she was up there. Although I don't think she was getting much money. There was a group of guys there for a bachelor party and there were definitely some hotties but then I decided I couldn't tell people I met someone at a strip club so decided against going over near them. All of a sudden desperate straight man and in the closet gay man are no where to be found. I start to wander around and find them on the "side stage" (code for even uglier than the main stage girls) ogling at these women. All of a sudden desperate straight man goes into a secret back room and probably let loose more than we would all like to know. After desperate straight man had his fun, in the closet gay man was tired of putting up a front, married straight man couldn't take any more embarrassment, and gay man came close too many times of the women overhearing his comments - we decided to go home.

So on Saturday I headed to Newport with the girls for the St. Patty's day parade and festivities. This is a crazy day that makes it acceptable to be a drunk fool and to dress like an even bigger fool. I was very concerned about my outfit because I needed to be super cute and be able to pull off wearing some kind of green apparel. I also don't like wearing jeans with sneakers because i'm so short and don't like my jeans scraping along the ground. I was determined to wear a cute pair of wellies but of course had put off getting them till the last day. I managed to find a green pair at payless the night before.

So my outfit consisted of jeans tucked into my new green wellies, my green "kiss my blarney stone" t-shirt with a grey long sleeved shirt and white wife beater underneath, off white scarf around my neck and black puffy vest. I felt like i pulled off looking cute and was warm. Well - did I get a lot of negative attention regarding my outfit.

"why are you wearing those boots?" "did you think it was going to rain?" "you are bundled up for a snow storm" "do you think you have enough layers on?"

jesus - for a second i got worried that if i was a celebrity the fug girls would have written about me. my fashion forward gay assured me that the outfit was indeed cute. then i realized what these people were wearing that were making the comments/giving me looks:

- a green pimp hat

-green tights underneath super short jean shorts with their ass cheeks hanging out

- a t-shirt with shamrocks over each boob on a shirt with a leprechaun saying "me lucky charms"

-white gym socks with green stripes pulled up a la Dazed and Confused

and green sparkles in their hair.

and

-retarded matching green shirts that had puffy paint that said "i'm not irish but i've had irish in me."

as the fug girls would say - my wellies kick your leprechaun's ass.

Dancing with the Stars According to Sarah

Ok -




I watched DWTS from Monday night last night and whoa - there is a lot to comment on. Not even sure where to begin. This is by far going to be the most entertaining season to date. Here is my rundown of all the contestants:


Belinda Carisle - not memorable enough

David Alan Grier - f**king hysterical - but it might get old. I laughed out loud when he said he was hoping to get sexual favors our of being on the show.

Shawna Johnson - can def win it. Needs to tone down rigid gymnast arms.

Lil' Kim - did they let her out of jail for this?

Holly Madison - i swear she is the skinniest girl i have ever seen. i almost died when Carrie Ann said she looked like a baby fawn on it's legs for the first time - cause that's exactly what it was. and that laugh. heheheheh. she definitely has that playboy pose down pat though.

Gilles Marini - Want. To. See. Him. Naked. In Person.

Ty Murray - is forever cursing his wife jewel for getting hurt and leaving him in his own private hell.

Steve - O - i have never laughed so hard watching someone attempt to dance before.

Denise Richards - cannot STAND her. Karina better watch her with both eyes because she is partners with Karina's extremely hot fiance Maksim. (my favorite) That girl has ulterior motives. She has already started calling him Maxipoo?? Did you see her face when stupid Samantha Harris brought that up? Karina - take her DOWN.

Melissa - my girl. Went from being dumped on national television to dancing with the stars in one week. love it. Just didn't love the costume they put you in. You looked like the little mermaid caught in a net.

Lawrence Taylor - token black athlete.

Chuck Wicks - total sweet hottie. i am extremely jealous of his girlfriend julianne. not only is she a skinny dancer with awesome hair but she has him to go home to. Life is not FAIR.

Steve Wozniak - Karina, Karina, Karina. What producer did you screw over to get this kind of treatment? Not only does your fiance have the biggest whore of a partner but they put you with this guy. I'm hoping that you stay in it as long as you can just so you can keep an eye on legs and maxipoo.




I have to say I'm very pleased that my faves from So You Think You Can Dance have moved their way into Dancing with the Stars. I love seeing familiar faces.



Some things never change though with the professional dancers-


Kim is still cross eyed.
Cheryl still looks better with full on makeup.
Edyta is still wearing leg warmers.
and
Jonathan is still the gayest straight ballroom dancer.

BUT

when did Mark Ballas become such a hottie?

Lastly - did anyone notice the woman in the audience behind Tom Bergeron who at one point I thought she had died but then realized that she was just sleeping...

There are no contradictions.

A very good friend said that to me. And it all became suddenly clear. There are no contradictions. When you replay in your head why something went wrong or how you got to a certain place - it truly all does add up. Or I guess makes sense as to why it doesn't add up. I had been telling him about my latest love failure and as I heard myself describe the last days I realized it did all add up. There were no contradictions. It was simple. He wasn't ready. And I was.

The most ironic part is that it doesn't seem as simple when you are living it. We spend time analyzing, wondering, and feeling bad when if we really took time to think about it we would see that all the pieces were there to the puzzle. We just didn't want to put it together.


Other things I guess aren't that simple. Puzzles that still need to be solved:

• why my landlord thought that a normal sized refrigerator would fit in a closet sized kitchen
• why america's funniest home videos is still on television
• how people see through those kanye plastic glasses
• how fantasia ever won american idol
• why the show what about brian ever went off the air
• why the coffee shop at nordstroms would name their size large "enorme"
• why people who you haven't talked to you in 10 years think that they are your best friend on facebook
  

And finally...

• how there can be as many things wrong with this picture as wrinkles on hef's you know what.

There are definitely no contradictions.

The Sarah Meets The Soup

Things have been kind of crazy in my life. On top of one of the biggest weekends of my career I've also been dealing with a bruised heart but that's another story for another day. I just got done with Homecoming Weekend and the highlight of the weekend was a comedy show featuring Joel McHale from The Soup. I am a huge fan and could not wait to meet him (again). I saw him do stand up twice before and met him after the show for a picture after the first time. However - this time I would be spending significant time with him - which I was very excited about. Little did he know that he was on the road to being my best friend. However there were a few road blocks.

Road block #1 - In the shower the morning of the show I realize that I never received the box of merchandise that I was supposed to get in the mail. I am told by the agent to "just give him a call on his cell phone" like it's no big deal. I call him after I know he has landed and ask how is flight was - he says he's still in LA - is that a problem?? I say well yes it is because that means I'll have to get on stage. Obviously he is kidding. I hope.

Road block #2 - Joel gets to the college safely with merchandise in hand and I show him his dressing room. I had a couple of nice copies of the poster we had made for him to sign. I come back a little bit later (with professional photag in tow to take a pic of me and my new bff) and he scolds me for calling The Soup, Talk Soup - the old name for the show. WOOPS. Completely an oversight on my part. So not only did he nicely autograph the posters but also crossed out the word Talk and wrote an arrow with the word "The" and then the word "Nice" next to it. For the remainder of the evening he calls me The Sarah.

Road block #3 - The show starts with an alum as an opener and as soon as he starts I quickly get Joel from the dressing room - with a security guard with me because we were going to be taking in through the back way to avoid being seen from the crowd. There were doors that were locked which is why I have the guard with me. So I am nervous because I don't know how long the opener is going to be telling jokes for and we get to the door that's locked. I look over at the guard and he's like "I don't have any keys" I am about to scream "I will f--king kill you but try to keep my cool in front of my new bff. For all we know the opener was saying "And now your favorite guy from the show Talk Soup - Joel McHale! (he also messed up the name when he actually did say it) and we were stuck behind a locked door with a group of lost college girls who started screaming this high decibel scream when they saw him.

Road block #4 - The show was awesome - the crowd loved him. I only had to hold my breath 3-4 times when he started talking about no rights for minorities, lazy priests, and when he totally called out the photographer from earlier when she practically ran across the stage to take a picture of him and he says "did a silver haired boy just run by?" and proceeded to dance around the stage saying Rhode Island had its very own elf. (which to his defense she looked exactly like)

Road block #5 - The show ends and I am trying to get Joel through the crowd by his precious merchandise table and need to corral the bodies into forming a line. They are not listening and I feel like no one is helping me. First Joel wants to know why his t-shirts aren't out on the table (so no one stole them during the show) and then tells me that people are not going to listen to me. (oh yes they will). So I finally get a good flow down - which i knew would happen. He is patiently meeting with every fan and taking pictures (loved how he was making fun of every person that came through. including the girl dressed up as spaghetti cat. he asked her if she had mental problems) although every once in awhile he would turn to me and ask me if the t-shirts were out. were people buying the god damn t-shirts. (no joel - college students can't afford $25 t-shirts. I could barely get them to buy a $10 ticket to the show.)

We then walked back to the dressing room and chatted for a bit - talked about where i was from, how i liked it, what i do at the school, etc. etc. he was very concerned if i thought the show was ok. i then told him that i had seen him twice before and he looked shocked. We chat about both shows I saw - and talked about how bitterly cold it was when I saw him in Boston on NYE. He was like well if you are ever in LA you should come see a taping of the Soup - he's like you have my number. (well bff you don't have to ask twice!) So we walk back to where the car service was waiting and my bff gives me an affectionate hug and thanks me for everything - then says to my two coworkers - "she has seen me twice before - she really is a fan". It's official. Even after all our road blocks we were bff's. I'm sure he is planning on how to give me a shout out on the next episode of The Soup right now. So after we made arrangements to mail the box of merchandise back to him (because we couldn't find packing tape to tape it back up for the plane)he then turned to leave and turned back around, waved, and said "Bye The Sarah".

And then I went and stole one of the t-shirts out of the box for myself. I deserved that damn $25 shirt.

Knock Out

My mother doesn't cease to make me laugh. On Sunday I was in New Jersey and we went to go see the movie He's Not Just That Into You. (Which was the most depressing movie I've seen in a long time. This one speech that Ginnifer Goodwin gives in the movie - I felt like the words were coming out of my mouth.)

Anyway. So we are walking back to the car and as I am walking over to the drivers side I kind of see my mother stumble a little bit. Almost like her ankle gave out a little bit. Now falling runs on my mother's side of the family. We are all a little bit clutzy. No one is probably as clutzy as my aunt who when she came to see me before my prom she was getting out of the car and her foot got caught in the seatbelt and fell underneath the car. I of course not wanting to make a scene am trying to say quietly to my grandmother that my aunt just fell but of course I failed miserably.

So back to my mother. I see her slightly stumble and as I'm opening my car door I notice that she is no where to be found when I look through the windows to the other side. This lasts for about 3 seconds until I run around to the other side and see her picking herself up off the ground holding her eye. I am trying to stifle my laugh because nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing someone fall. Thank goodness my mother was half crying/half laughing. So after we decide that she doesn't need to go to the emergency room we get in the car and I swear literally in seconds she had the biggest bump coming out from her eye. I couldn't even look at it. It looked like this. But bigger.

So we knew my father was going to flip out because he overly worries - which he did. He even starts to question me on what I would do if she was unconscious. Hello? What am I an idiot? The best part is that once everyone calmed down and my mother had the ice pack on her eye I went to dial my cousin's phone number and accidentally called 911. I have no idea how I did it - but when you tell them everything is fine they still have to send an officer over to the house. Ya know in case someone is holding a gun to your head or something like that. So of course a few minutes later an officer came to the door. And with my mother's sick sense of humor, she was tempted to stand in the bay window and mouth "help" to the officer. With her knocked out eye.