Just YouTube It

Tomorrow is my birthday. 28. This past Saturday I had plans with friends to go out for dinner and drinks to celebrate. I've been known to try to look my best when it's a special occasion. Ya know I'll schedule a hair appointment, maybe get my makeup done, wear a new outfit. I've also been known not to react well when it doesn't work out as I had planned.

Saturday morning things started to unravel. First my hairdresser called because she had to cancel my appointment. She had an emergency with her baby who apparently fell. (i think she dropped him). Ok fine. I can do my own hair. Then I go to look at another condo with my realtor. No closets. No parking. No go. Ok fine. I'm not going to be homeless until Sept. 1 - I still have some more time. Then I find out the boy is definitely going to pass on coming out and is going to stay in and recover from being sick and work on finals (so studious). I'm bummed. Ok fine. We will go out on my actual birthday. That's better anyway. Then I go to the mall because I wanted to wear the fake eyelashes that the MAC counter convinced me to buy for my tv interview. It completely intimidates me to try to adhere something to my eye with glue. So i thought they could do it and maybe put some makeup on me while they were at it.

I go up to the counter and the woman tells me that they have a policy that they can't put eyelashes on customers that were already worn. Excuse me? I don't think you know who you are dealing with. Not budging. Not an inch. Then she says that putting them on is really easy and just to "youtube it". I think at that point I wanted to lean over and strangle her.

Now in the grand scheme of things putting on fake eyelashes is pretty meaningless and I'm sure if I took the time I could figure out how to do it. However now I'm about to start the 28th year of my life and am continuing to try to figure it all out when it comes to matters of the heart, my career and taking that next huge step in life when I finally find that dream house.

Maybe I'll just have to youtube it.

La la la la la la tonight!

I had the most random night last night. ( I also decided to just use real names in this post because i don't have enough energy to come up with fake ones and this post is not incriminating in any way and "foxy" is my only friend who has a nickname as ridiculous as that)

Let’s just say I started at the Cadillac Lounge (strip club) with my trainer who has never been to a strip club and had enough ones to tip all the strippers in providence. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that:

1. I was asked if I was here for my shift when I walked in.
2. I knew one of the waitresses – Donna – who is also my psychic.

I then went to meet foxy white at twist (one of my favorite restaurants)– who never showed up. I was holding court at the bar and chatted with two men over the age of 60 and then another older gentleman who bought me a drink. (i have had several at this point because i was trying to keep myself occupied while waiting for her) Her sister, her friend Trevor and this other guy David all came in because she also told them to go there. So the four of us hung out. Then I run into my other friend Gunther who was having dinner with some friends. Gunther is like – you should ask David who is brother is. (they all know each other because providence is one incestuous town). So I finally did.


David Knight. You figure it out.






Ok if you still haven't figured it out as soon as I found out I started spelling out nkotb with my body to Gunther through the glass window where he was sitting with his friends. David was of course in the bathroom at the time.

Update: Even though we thought foxy had stood us up that evening we came to find out that unfortunately she had gotten into a car accident while texting. (hit a pole while she was probably texting me back). I may have sent her a couple text messages insinuating that she was not telling the truth when she said she was on her way. Turns out that she lost her cell phone during the whole debacle and I'm almost positive that my texts went through post accident. If that's not a Seinfeldesq ending I don't know what is.

Good Old Joanie

I haven't written in awhile because I have been so busy. I've been house hunting and think I have found something that I want to put an offer on. In the meantime Joan my landlord has already found someone to rent out my apartment so basically I will be out on the street if I don't make a move.

This is all happening really fast and it makes me think back to all of the "events" that have occurred that have brought me and Joan together.

I slipped and fell on ice in front of the apartment so hard that I "flopped like a fish". I ended up breaking my elbow and tried to convince Joan to pay for my medical bills. It didn't work in my favor that I was intoxicated at the time of the fall.

Joan and I had to conduct an investigation when a huge box of jewelry worth $1,000 was stolen from the apartment building. (it would be my luck that my first huge jewelry party order was stolen) "Carlos the handyman" put it in front of the stairs and sometime between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm it went missing. Joan then insisted on going through each person's apartment when they weren't home which I believe is illegal.

Joan is deathly afraid of fire so my beautiful fireplace isn't even usable and because she boarded it up. However a bat/bird/squirrel/unidentifiable animal flew down the chimney and got stuck. It kept flapping/scurrying all around until I think it eventually died.

Being on the first floor everyone knows that heat rises. Also since this is an old home the air gets through every little crack and crevice. And since I am constantly cold I tended to keep the theromstat a little bit higher than normal. (ok much higher) Until Joan took it off one day and replaced it without me knowing with one that I couldn't turn above 70 degrees.

If I had a dollar for every time I said "JESUS CHRIST JOAN!" over these last four years I'd have the money for that downpayment on my new house.

Ahh. Good old Joanie.

As long as they don't make me do a burpee

So this Saturday was very eventful. I was a little down because my set up with a new guy on Friday night didn't go as well as it could have been. At one point he asked me if I was single - which I replied "yes" (why do you think we are being introduced?) and then he proceeded to ask if i was "out on the prowl" (he also made an animal like stance as he said this). I knew that it any hope was lost at that point.





But anyway - back to bigger and better things. Saturday was jam packed. I had my big tv interview in boston at 5:00 and i had a lot to do before then. One of those things was taking an intro class at a gym that these three guys recently opened in providence. what would lead me to cheat on my trainer boyfriend you ask? well the 3 owners are all extremely good looking. I have already had a "run in" with one of them a few years ago and was onto the 2nd one (the 3rd one i didn't know about until we took the actual class). So the 2nd one had come to an alumni networking event and he pursuaded (didn't have to twist my arm that hard) me and my friend to take the class. The whole class is based on the concept of team training and it's mostly using free weights and no machines. because i do anything to "put myself out there" i decided to go to the class even though doing new workout/athletic things scare the hell out of me. as i walk up to the door i see these people lifting huge ass weights like we were training for the freaking olympics. i also see them doing these things called burpees (which my trainer attempts to make me do sometimes) which is when you throw yourself down into a push up position and then jump up. See below:

They are a bitch to do and after 5 I can barely get my legs out from underneath me. These people were doing intervals of 10 at a time about 10 times. I was like oh shit. So we start our class and it actually wasn't too bad. The only thing that scared me was having to do a headstand against the wall. I was instantly transported back into gymnastics class when I was too scared to do something and convienently had to "go to the bathroom" and would try to wait until they had moved on to something else. I was proud of myself though - i completed the workout (including 10 pull ups) and managed to look cute in front of owner 1, 2 and 3.

On to the next thing - I ended up staying for a lovely nutritional lunch and then I had to go straight to the mall to get my makeup done (was hoping to shower before but didn't have time). So I get paired with Orlando who was a tiny latino gay man. We instantly bonded when I told him about my potential tv fame. Apparantly all the other makeup artists liked what he was doing because I soon had a crowd around me. I then tried to convince Orlando that I can take him with me if I get picked which he then said "of course zi vill". So Orlando and the other makeup people convince me to put on fake eyelashes - which I had never done before. I am IN LOVE with them. I didn't want to take them off. (after I watched celebrity apprentice last night i realized people wear them much more than I think) So after I had my "fresh, clean look" I ran off to get my hair cut.

I asked my hairdresser to throw a few curls in there which she did and then i had my eyebrows waxed. My eyebrows lady wasn't too impressed with my makeup job and then proceeded to try to "fix" it. I was ready to be horrified when I looked back in the mirror - but it wasn't too bad. I was severly running behind at this point. So ran home with my fake eyelashes, curled hair, and freshly coiffed eyebrows - cleaned myself up, attempted to shave my legs in the sink which then gave me razor burn, put on my cute new outfit for Forever 21 and was on my way.

So I make it to Boston and see a girl (also auditioning) waiting before me in a full on turquoise cocktail dress with matching shoes (i guess she did really take the friday night outfit to heart). I filled out the 30 page application where I think i signed over my first born child to ABC and got ready to head up to the room. While I walked down the long hallway to room 1001 I did have a fleeting thought that this was all a set up for a group of guys to attack me in a random hotel room. However Michael opened the door and was a cheery/slightly chubby man in his late 30's. He instantly made me feel less nervous and the interviewing began. I got to tell my heartbreak story, my chicago story and much more. It all went really well and he liked me a lot - said he was definitely going to "pitch" me to the other producers. (damn those eyelashes worked)

So then I waited for my single straight man to get there so that he could be interviewed too. While I waited I sat at the bar and staked out my competition. The girl after me was doing this whole "quirky/weird" look with all of these tattoos. Her single straight man Jimmy was 25 and acted seriously like he was 21. He was trying to pick everyone up at the bar - including me. Meanwhile my single straight man got there and was whisked away to the mysterious room 1001. Back to Jimmy trying to pick me and every other girl up - When I gently turned him down he made some comment about "thinking that i would be available since I was trying out for a dating show and all". So then I say "well the rules say you can't be in a committed relationship" he makes some snide comment and then i turned into the ultimate bitch (i don't know where this came from, i swear). And I say "Jimmy, I've dated dozens of guys like you". His face looked like i just shot his dog right in front of him. To which I dug my hole even deeper and said it was because he was so young. Ouch. So Jimmy leaves to go to the bathroom (compose himself) and when I ask the other guy at the bar if he thinks i hurt jimmy's feelings he called me a "stuck up snob" (or something just as bad) Double Ouch. So Jimmy comes back from groveling and I apologize. To which my single straight man comes out of his interview and is like "wtf did i miss while I was gone?"

I just managed to alienate all of the single straight guys at the bar while i was applying for a dating show. haha.

Whatever. Just as long as they don't make me do a burpee.

My attempt at 15 minutes of fame.

Haha but it's on soap net so I guess it will just be 10 minutes of fame.

So i get this email a couple weeks ago that is titled "looking for love?" which instantly caught my attention (those clever little bastards at abc). It describes this new show that they are starting on abc that is based on the movie "The Holiday" where cameron diaz and kate winslet switch cities for a vacation. (totally unrealistic because jude law shows up on cameron diaz's front door and instantly falls in love with her)

Anyway - so i instantly wrote back and said i was interested. Get a free vacation and the chance to meet new cute guys?? I'm in! I included some of my blog entries because i know that so many people love them from all the comments i always get. hehe So the casting director writes me back and tells me he wants to chat with me.

I get a call from him a few days later while I'm driving down to NYC to celebrate my friend's bday at a karaoke bar. Totally gave me bonus points that i was doing something soooo spontaneous like driving from RI to NYC to go to a karaoke bar. hahah. right. So we chatted for awhile and he definitely liked me and thought I was a fun. Which I responded "I think I'm fun too!" haha right.

So I got an email saying I made it to round 2 - whoo hoo! Which means that I have to go and charm the producers in person. So of course i bought a totally cute outfit and will be getting my hair cut.

Some of my friends are not so optimistic that I will be wisked away to a great city like Chicago and meet the man of my dreams. These are some other possibilities of what can happen:

• I am entered into athletic competitions to win dates.
• I am entered into Finding Luv with Flava Flav with New York as the host.
• Teila Tequila is my roommate.
• They fly me to east bum arkansas and my date is takin a ride on the ol' tractor to go milk some cows.
• It's all a joke and every guy I go out with is gay.

All I'm hoping for is that I end up on the show which then ends up on The Soup - and then it truly has all come full circle.

Strippers, Shamrocks and Wellies, oh my!

Well this past weekend was very eventful. First on Friday night I met up with a high school friend and his coworker that were in town for a conference. Went out for a nice dinner on Federal Hill and then had some drinks at one of the Irish bars in Providence.

Well my friends were up in this area for a band conference and we happened to run into one of the band directors from our rival band out at the bar. I of course tried to start getting some "insider info" but wasn't having much success. All of a sudden we were giving him a ride back to the hotel - half the car didn't want to go home and half did. (we had to leave the bar because we suddenly realized we were the tallest people in the place - and that's not saying a lot. it was like the congregation of the leprechauns getting ready for st. patty's day) All of a sudden we were discussing going to the Foxy Lady - one of the many strip clubs in providence. Our rival band director "Ted" was all over that. I think it honestly was the highlight of his year. So we pull up to the place and there is a loud speaker with a recording of announcements almost like we were pulling up to a disney ride.

Let's just say it was quite the sight to see. To be with a group of guys that included one straight married man with a baby at home, one gay man, one in the closet gay man, and one desperate straight man was very interesting. I am always shocked at how these women don't even look good! This one stripper who was definitely on something literally had no ass and no boobs and yet there she was up there. Although I don't think she was getting much money. There was a group of guys there for a bachelor party and there were definitely some hotties but then I decided I couldn't tell people I met someone at a strip club so decided against going over near them. All of a sudden desperate straight man and in the closet gay man are no where to be found. I start to wander around and find them on the "side stage" (code for even uglier than the main stage girls) ogling at these women. All of a sudden desperate straight man goes into a secret back room and probably let loose more than we would all like to know. After desperate straight man had his fun, in the closet gay man was tired of putting up a front, married straight man couldn't take any more embarrassment, and gay man came close too many times of the women overhearing his comments - we decided to go home.

So on Saturday I headed to Newport with the girls for the St. Patty's day parade and festivities. This is a crazy day that makes it acceptable to be a drunk fool and to dress like an even bigger fool. I was very concerned about my outfit because I needed to be super cute and be able to pull off wearing some kind of green apparel. I also don't like wearing jeans with sneakers because i'm so short and don't like my jeans scraping along the ground. I was determined to wear a cute pair of wellies but of course had put off getting them till the last day. I managed to find a green pair at payless the night before.

So my outfit consisted of jeans tucked into my new green wellies, my green "kiss my blarney stone" t-shirt with a grey long sleeved shirt and white wife beater underneath, off white scarf around my neck and black puffy vest. I felt like i pulled off looking cute and was warm. Well - did I get a lot of negative attention regarding my outfit.

"why are you wearing those boots?" "did you think it was going to rain?" "you are bundled up for a snow storm" "do you think you have enough layers on?"

jesus - for a second i got worried that if i was a celebrity the fug girls would have written about me. my fashion forward gay assured me that the outfit was indeed cute. then i realized what these people were wearing that were making the comments/giving me looks:

- a green pimp hat

-green tights underneath super short jean shorts with their ass cheeks hanging out

- a t-shirt with shamrocks over each boob on a shirt with a leprechaun saying "me lucky charms"

-white gym socks with green stripes pulled up a la Dazed and Confused

and green sparkles in their hair.

and

-retarded matching green shirts that had puffy paint that said "i'm not irish but i've had irish in me."

as the fug girls would say - my wellies kick your leprechaun's ass.

Dancing with the Stars According to Sarah

Ok -




I watched DWTS from Monday night last night and whoa - there is a lot to comment on. Not even sure where to begin. This is by far going to be the most entertaining season to date. Here is my rundown of all the contestants:


Belinda Carisle - not memorable enough

David Alan Grier - f**king hysterical - but it might get old. I laughed out loud when he said he was hoping to get sexual favors our of being on the show.

Shawna Johnson - can def win it. Needs to tone down rigid gymnast arms.

Lil' Kim - did they let her out of jail for this?

Holly Madison - i swear she is the skinniest girl i have ever seen. i almost died when Carrie Ann said she looked like a baby fawn on it's legs for the first time - cause that's exactly what it was. and that laugh. heheheheh. she definitely has that playboy pose down pat though.

Gilles Marini - Want. To. See. Him. Naked. In Person.

Ty Murray - is forever cursing his wife jewel for getting hurt and leaving him in his own private hell.

Steve - O - i have never laughed so hard watching someone attempt to dance before.

Denise Richards - cannot STAND her. Karina better watch her with both eyes because she is partners with Karina's extremely hot fiance Maksim. (my favorite) That girl has ulterior motives. She has already started calling him Maxipoo?? Did you see her face when stupid Samantha Harris brought that up? Karina - take her DOWN.

Melissa - my girl. Went from being dumped on national television to dancing with the stars in one week. love it. Just didn't love the costume they put you in. You looked like the little mermaid caught in a net.

Lawrence Taylor - token black athlete.

Chuck Wicks - total sweet hottie. i am extremely jealous of his girlfriend julianne. not only is she a skinny dancer with awesome hair but she has him to go home to. Life is not FAIR.

Steve Wozniak - Karina, Karina, Karina. What producer did you screw over to get this kind of treatment? Not only does your fiance have the biggest whore of a partner but they put you with this guy. I'm hoping that you stay in it as long as you can just so you can keep an eye on legs and maxipoo.




I have to say I'm very pleased that my faves from So You Think You Can Dance have moved their way into Dancing with the Stars. I love seeing familiar faces.



Some things never change though with the professional dancers-


Kim is still cross eyed.
Cheryl still looks better with full on makeup.
Edyta is still wearing leg warmers.
and
Jonathan is still the gayest straight ballroom dancer.

BUT

when did Mark Ballas become such a hottie?

Lastly - did anyone notice the woman in the audience behind Tom Bergeron who at one point I thought she had died but then realized that she was just sleeping...