There are no contradictions.

A very good friend said that to me. And it all became suddenly clear. There are no contradictions. When you replay in your head why something went wrong or how you got to a certain place - it truly all does add up. Or I guess makes sense as to why it doesn't add up. I had been telling him about my latest love failure and as I heard myself describe the last days I realized it did all add up. There were no contradictions. It was simple. He wasn't ready. And I was.

The most ironic part is that it doesn't seem as simple when you are living it. We spend time analyzing, wondering, and feeling bad when if we really took time to think about it we would see that all the pieces were there to the puzzle. We just didn't want to put it together.


Other things I guess aren't that simple. Puzzles that still need to be solved:

• why my landlord thought that a normal sized refrigerator would fit in a closet sized kitchen
• why america's funniest home videos is still on television
• how people see through those kanye plastic glasses
• how fantasia ever won american idol
• why the show what about brian ever went off the air
• why the coffee shop at nordstroms would name their size large "enorme"
• why people who you haven't talked to you in 10 years think that they are your best friend on facebook
  

And finally...

• how there can be as many things wrong with this picture as wrinkles on hef's you know what.

There are definitely no contradictions.

The Sarah Meets The Soup

Things have been kind of crazy in my life. On top of one of the biggest weekends of my career I've also been dealing with a bruised heart but that's another story for another day. I just got done with Homecoming Weekend and the highlight of the weekend was a comedy show featuring Joel McHale from The Soup. I am a huge fan and could not wait to meet him (again). I saw him do stand up twice before and met him after the show for a picture after the first time. However - this time I would be spending significant time with him - which I was very excited about. Little did he know that he was on the road to being my best friend. However there were a few road blocks.

Road block #1 - In the shower the morning of the show I realize that I never received the box of merchandise that I was supposed to get in the mail. I am told by the agent to "just give him a call on his cell phone" like it's no big deal. I call him after I know he has landed and ask how is flight was - he says he's still in LA - is that a problem?? I say well yes it is because that means I'll have to get on stage. Obviously he is kidding. I hope.

Road block #2 - Joel gets to the college safely with merchandise in hand and I show him his dressing room. I had a couple of nice copies of the poster we had made for him to sign. I come back a little bit later (with professional photag in tow to take a pic of me and my new bff) and he scolds me for calling The Soup, Talk Soup - the old name for the show. WOOPS. Completely an oversight on my part. So not only did he nicely autograph the posters but also crossed out the word Talk and wrote an arrow with the word "The" and then the word "Nice" next to it. For the remainder of the evening he calls me The Sarah.

Road block #3 - The show starts with an alum as an opener and as soon as he starts I quickly get Joel from the dressing room - with a security guard with me because we were going to be taking in through the back way to avoid being seen from the crowd. There were doors that were locked which is why I have the guard with me. So I am nervous because I don't know how long the opener is going to be telling jokes for and we get to the door that's locked. I look over at the guard and he's like "I don't have any keys" I am about to scream "I will f--king kill you but try to keep my cool in front of my new bff. For all we know the opener was saying "And now your favorite guy from the show Talk Soup - Joel McHale! (he also messed up the name when he actually did say it) and we were stuck behind a locked door with a group of lost college girls who started screaming this high decibel scream when they saw him.

Road block #4 - The show was awesome - the crowd loved him. I only had to hold my breath 3-4 times when he started talking about no rights for minorities, lazy priests, and when he totally called out the photographer from earlier when she practically ran across the stage to take a picture of him and he says "did a silver haired boy just run by?" and proceeded to dance around the stage saying Rhode Island had its very own elf. (which to his defense she looked exactly like)

Road block #5 - The show ends and I am trying to get Joel through the crowd by his precious merchandise table and need to corral the bodies into forming a line. They are not listening and I feel like no one is helping me. First Joel wants to know why his t-shirts aren't out on the table (so no one stole them during the show) and then tells me that people are not going to listen to me. (oh yes they will). So I finally get a good flow down - which i knew would happen. He is patiently meeting with every fan and taking pictures (loved how he was making fun of every person that came through. including the girl dressed up as spaghetti cat. he asked her if she had mental problems) although every once in awhile he would turn to me and ask me if the t-shirts were out. were people buying the god damn t-shirts. (no joel - college students can't afford $25 t-shirts. I could barely get them to buy a $10 ticket to the show.)

We then walked back to the dressing room and chatted for a bit - talked about where i was from, how i liked it, what i do at the school, etc. etc. he was very concerned if i thought the show was ok. i then told him that i had seen him twice before and he looked shocked. We chat about both shows I saw - and talked about how bitterly cold it was when I saw him in Boston on NYE. He was like well if you are ever in LA you should come see a taping of the Soup - he's like you have my number. (well bff you don't have to ask twice!) So we walk back to where the car service was waiting and my bff gives me an affectionate hug and thanks me for everything - then says to my two coworkers - "she has seen me twice before - she really is a fan". It's official. Even after all our road blocks we were bff's. I'm sure he is planning on how to give me a shout out on the next episode of The Soup right now. So after we made arrangements to mail the box of merchandise back to him (because we couldn't find packing tape to tape it back up for the plane)he then turned to leave and turned back around, waved, and said "Bye The Sarah".

And then I went and stole one of the t-shirts out of the box for myself. I deserved that damn $25 shirt.

Knock Out

My mother doesn't cease to make me laugh. On Sunday I was in New Jersey and we went to go see the movie He's Not Just That Into You. (Which was the most depressing movie I've seen in a long time. This one speech that Ginnifer Goodwin gives in the movie - I felt like the words were coming out of my mouth.)

Anyway. So we are walking back to the car and as I am walking over to the drivers side I kind of see my mother stumble a little bit. Almost like her ankle gave out a little bit. Now falling runs on my mother's side of the family. We are all a little bit clutzy. No one is probably as clutzy as my aunt who when she came to see me before my prom she was getting out of the car and her foot got caught in the seatbelt and fell underneath the car. I of course not wanting to make a scene am trying to say quietly to my grandmother that my aunt just fell but of course I failed miserably.

So back to my mother. I see her slightly stumble and as I'm opening my car door I notice that she is no where to be found when I look through the windows to the other side. This lasts for about 3 seconds until I run around to the other side and see her picking herself up off the ground holding her eye. I am trying to stifle my laugh because nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing someone fall. Thank goodness my mother was half crying/half laughing. So after we decide that she doesn't need to go to the emergency room we get in the car and I swear literally in seconds she had the biggest bump coming out from her eye. I couldn't even look at it. It looked like this. But bigger.

So we knew my father was going to flip out because he overly worries - which he did. He even starts to question me on what I would do if she was unconscious. Hello? What am I an idiot? The best part is that once everyone calmed down and my mother had the ice pack on her eye I went to dial my cousin's phone number and accidentally called 911. I have no idea how I did it - but when you tell them everything is fine they still have to send an officer over to the house. Ya know in case someone is holding a gun to your head or something like that. So of course a few minutes later an officer came to the door. And with my mother's sick sense of humor, she was tempted to stand in the bay window and mouth "help" to the officer. With her knocked out eye.

What was I thinking?

I regret ever ever wanting to be on The Bachelor. Ever. Don't get me wrong. I still won't miss an episode but I could not put myself through what these girls do. This is seriously a train wreck.

A couple of observations:

Rose #9 Jillian is totally my girl - i'm rooting for her.
Rose #8 I can't figure Lauren out. Is she a bitch or just totally insecure? p.s. I think I danced next to her in the boom boom room at the jersey shore. definitely.
Rose #7 Megan is a wackadoo
Rose #6 Melissa reminds me of someone and I can't think of it.
Rose #5 I think the other girls should have sang the walk of shame song when that girl came home in his clothes. What is her name? Holly? Holly hookup?
Rose #4 Shannan still has a napkin on her lips. ouch.
Rose #3 naiomi - i think i just butchered the spelling of her name but i'm too lazy to google it. she needs to go back to being eva mendez's body double.
Rose #2 Stephanie is sweet but what the hell was she wearing when she was doing the singing contest? and what the heck was she singing?

and Rose #1 Nikky totally got dumped because she has side burns.


Why else won't I go on this show? Because I don't need to be written about in some single girl's blog :)

The "Hi have a chance Hat"

I have recently renamed a Providence night spot from the Hi Hat to the "Hi have a chance Hat". Why the name change you ask?

Well one of my friends from work and I decided to stop by Saturday night to listen to a band I'm thinking of booking for one of our events.

The fact that we saw a couple of middle aged drunk women stumble out onto the sidewalk as we walked in was not a good sign.

I was seriously the youngest person in the place. I felt like even in their drunken state - everyone was aware of this fact almost like there was an arrow over my head pointing me out. The men were drooling over us like we were brand new prey that wandered into their lair.

The outfits were unbelievable. Some women did not want to give up their New Year's Eve sparkles. Some others couldn't stop looking at themselves while they were dancing - they thought they were such hot shit.

We see this group of guys that looked around our age. Who talk about hot shit - thought they were roasting. However it seemed that they were constantly asking this group of older women to dance and I suddenly realized we had a group of cougars on our hands. At one point this one younger - slightly attractive (in a "the best of the worst" kind of way) asks this one woman in the group to dance. I could not understand it. On top of the fact that she should have stopped wearing haltar tops about 20 years ago - I know this is going to sound horribly mean but she almost looked slightly retarded. I am 100% positive that she was not - but I was staring with this I can't believe this is happening look on my face. Her friends were half giddy for their friend/half totally jealous that it wasn't them out there. So of course I need to start trouble and catch eyes with one of the friends and start mouthing to her - do you want to dance with him too? My friend immediately stops me from creating a scene.

Another one of the guys in the group was absolutely repulsive. He had on his horrible striped shirt, which laid over his beer belly and slight hunch of his back. He thought he was such a ladies man and came marching confidently over to me and my friend. Of course asked us to dance and I couldn't even take a breath before blurting out no. I almost wanted to say - I've been making fun of you mercilessly since I walked into this reject haven.

I continued to be mesmerized by the seduction of the cougars by the young boys. I couldn't tell if they were doing it on a dare or as a joke - or - if they were seriously trying to get some ass from these women. (it had to be because they had no chance in a normal bar).

Once my friend and I heard the first few notes of "Let's Get It On" we knew it was our exit to leave. No need to actually witness the grinding of what could be my mom's friends with their potential sons at the Hi have a chance Hat.

375 Degrees

Happy New Year Everyone! I can't complain with how the first two weeks of 2009 have played out except for how freakin freezing it's been. That includes NYE. I was in Boston with the new boy who will be referred to as N.B. from now on. We saw hysterical comedian Joel McHale who also could not get over how freaking cold it was. Besides the fact that I almost killed a train of snowplows on the way there and the taxi driver who insisted on driving extremely slow while taking a wrong turn with minutes to spare to midnight - we had a great time.



So fast forward two weeks to last night and N.B. stops over and finds me wrapped up with multiple layers and a blanket wrapped around me in my freezing apartment. He suggests that I put my oven on and open the oven door which was a fabulous idea. So as I'm pumping that baby up to 375 degrees I think - wouldn't it be great to bake some cookies? It's only after 10:00 on a Wednesday night - a perfect time to make cookies. So I suddenly realize i have the cookie mix BFF from high school gave me for christmas. (he is so domestic) It's one of those mason jars with all the layers of ingredients. (it looked so pretty I didn't want to ruin it). I realize I don't have any eggs so I give a knock on my awkward next door neighbor's door to see if he has any (who as he's getting them is making all these faces like his eyes are adjusting to the light - please). However, we are in luck.



So I start to dump all the ingredients in the bowl and have a road block when I see the brown sugar in the mason jar is rock solid. Thank god N.B. has some muscles cause he had to attack that which left a spoon bent in half.



So here we go...



1st cookie attempt - N.B. teaches me how to play texas hold em while the cookies are baking. I take them out and N.B. thinks we need 2 more minutes. I listen and all of a sudden smoke is coming out my easy bake oven. Cookies burned.



2nd cookie attempt - I have half the bowl of cookie dough left so we give this another whirl. N.B. and I get preoccupied ;). Cookies burned. Again.



3rd cookie attempt - As N.B. and I are laughing about how my neighbor would explain to the firefighters why the building burned down. ("I don't know sir..I lent her an egg and then all of a sudden smoke was coming out of her apartment") I scrape enough cookie dough out of the bowl to make 4 final cookies. I pull out my secret weapon - tin foil. I will not let these cookies burn again. I stand by the oven and literally watch them bake pulling them out every few minutes. And there we have it - four perfectly baked cookies. At 12:05 in the morning.

A Work in Progress

So here we are - the last days of 2008. It has been quite a year I feel like I have come a long way since this time last year.

On New Year's Day last year my friend and I were on a plane to Florida to bask in the sun for a few days. Too bad the sun didn't come out at all while we were there and I insisted on going tanning every day so I came back with a tan. During that trip I also had another pointless relationship end via telephone. But that was ok - I was starting the new year fresh and without any obnoxious guys who have smell issues (yes it was bad). So on the plane ride home I decided to write goals for 2008. Looking back now, surprisingly I did pretty well.

Throughout the year I got a new job, started my jewelry selling business, started seeing a trainer, and was inspired to start this blog which the five of you enjoy reading so much. I was trying new things like taking dance classes, learning about different wines and trying out new recipes (I think I always resort back to pesto pasta with chicken and zucchini). On top of that I had a much more positive attitude - my parents and friends noticed a difference in my outlook and when there were times that I fell down I was picking myself right back up. Sure I still dating the wrong guys and having my fair share of heartbreak and disappointment. But through it all I learned more about myself and what I was ultimately looking for in the end.

I have a brand new set of goals this year - some the same from last year, some new and exciting but the theme stays the same - trying to live my best life.

It's definitely a work in progress...