Good Old Joanie

I haven't written in awhile because I have been so busy. I've been house hunting and think I have found something that I want to put an offer on. In the meantime Joan my landlord has already found someone to rent out my apartment so basically I will be out on the street if I don't make a move.

This is all happening really fast and it makes me think back to all of the "events" that have occurred that have brought me and Joan together.

I slipped and fell on ice in front of the apartment so hard that I "flopped like a fish". I ended up breaking my elbow and tried to convince Joan to pay for my medical bills. It didn't work in my favor that I was intoxicated at the time of the fall.

Joan and I had to conduct an investigation when a huge box of jewelry worth $1,000 was stolen from the apartment building. (it would be my luck that my first huge jewelry party order was stolen) "Carlos the handyman" put it in front of the stairs and sometime between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm it went missing. Joan then insisted on going through each person's apartment when they weren't home which I believe is illegal.

Joan is deathly afraid of fire so my beautiful fireplace isn't even usable and because she boarded it up. However a bat/bird/squirrel/unidentifiable animal flew down the chimney and got stuck. It kept flapping/scurrying all around until I think it eventually died.

Being on the first floor everyone knows that heat rises. Also since this is an old home the air gets through every little crack and crevice. And since I am constantly cold I tended to keep the theromstat a little bit higher than normal. (ok much higher) Until Joan took it off one day and replaced it without me knowing with one that I couldn't turn above 70 degrees.

If I had a dollar for every time I said "JESUS CHRIST JOAN!" over these last four years I'd have the money for that downpayment on my new house.

Ahh. Good old Joanie.

As long as they don't make me do a burpee

So this Saturday was very eventful. I was a little down because my set up with a new guy on Friday night didn't go as well as it could have been. At one point he asked me if I was single - which I replied "yes" (why do you think we are being introduced?) and then he proceeded to ask if i was "out on the prowl" (he also made an animal like stance as he said this). I knew that it any hope was lost at that point.





But anyway - back to bigger and better things. Saturday was jam packed. I had my big tv interview in boston at 5:00 and i had a lot to do before then. One of those things was taking an intro class at a gym that these three guys recently opened in providence. what would lead me to cheat on my trainer boyfriend you ask? well the 3 owners are all extremely good looking. I have already had a "run in" with one of them a few years ago and was onto the 2nd one (the 3rd one i didn't know about until we took the actual class). So the 2nd one had come to an alumni networking event and he pursuaded (didn't have to twist my arm that hard) me and my friend to take the class. The whole class is based on the concept of team training and it's mostly using free weights and no machines. because i do anything to "put myself out there" i decided to go to the class even though doing new workout/athletic things scare the hell out of me. as i walk up to the door i see these people lifting huge ass weights like we were training for the freaking olympics. i also see them doing these things called burpees (which my trainer attempts to make me do sometimes) which is when you throw yourself down into a push up position and then jump up. See below:

They are a bitch to do and after 5 I can barely get my legs out from underneath me. These people were doing intervals of 10 at a time about 10 times. I was like oh shit. So we start our class and it actually wasn't too bad. The only thing that scared me was having to do a headstand against the wall. I was instantly transported back into gymnastics class when I was too scared to do something and convienently had to "go to the bathroom" and would try to wait until they had moved on to something else. I was proud of myself though - i completed the workout (including 10 pull ups) and managed to look cute in front of owner 1, 2 and 3.

On to the next thing - I ended up staying for a lovely nutritional lunch and then I had to go straight to the mall to get my makeup done (was hoping to shower before but didn't have time). So I get paired with Orlando who was a tiny latino gay man. We instantly bonded when I told him about my potential tv fame. Apparantly all the other makeup artists liked what he was doing because I soon had a crowd around me. I then tried to convince Orlando that I can take him with me if I get picked which he then said "of course zi vill". So Orlando and the other makeup people convince me to put on fake eyelashes - which I had never done before. I am IN LOVE with them. I didn't want to take them off. (after I watched celebrity apprentice last night i realized people wear them much more than I think) So after I had my "fresh, clean look" I ran off to get my hair cut.

I asked my hairdresser to throw a few curls in there which she did and then i had my eyebrows waxed. My eyebrows lady wasn't too impressed with my makeup job and then proceeded to try to "fix" it. I was ready to be horrified when I looked back in the mirror - but it wasn't too bad. I was severly running behind at this point. So ran home with my fake eyelashes, curled hair, and freshly coiffed eyebrows - cleaned myself up, attempted to shave my legs in the sink which then gave me razor burn, put on my cute new outfit for Forever 21 and was on my way.

So I make it to Boston and see a girl (also auditioning) waiting before me in a full on turquoise cocktail dress with matching shoes (i guess she did really take the friday night outfit to heart). I filled out the 30 page application where I think i signed over my first born child to ABC and got ready to head up to the room. While I walked down the long hallway to room 1001 I did have a fleeting thought that this was all a set up for a group of guys to attack me in a random hotel room. However Michael opened the door and was a cheery/slightly chubby man in his late 30's. He instantly made me feel less nervous and the interviewing began. I got to tell my heartbreak story, my chicago story and much more. It all went really well and he liked me a lot - said he was definitely going to "pitch" me to the other producers. (damn those eyelashes worked)

So then I waited for my single straight man to get there so that he could be interviewed too. While I waited I sat at the bar and staked out my competition. The girl after me was doing this whole "quirky/weird" look with all of these tattoos. Her single straight man Jimmy was 25 and acted seriously like he was 21. He was trying to pick everyone up at the bar - including me. Meanwhile my single straight man got there and was whisked away to the mysterious room 1001. Back to Jimmy trying to pick me and every other girl up - When I gently turned him down he made some comment about "thinking that i would be available since I was trying out for a dating show and all". So then I say "well the rules say you can't be in a committed relationship" he makes some snide comment and then i turned into the ultimate bitch (i don't know where this came from, i swear). And I say "Jimmy, I've dated dozens of guys like you". His face looked like i just shot his dog right in front of him. To which I dug my hole even deeper and said it was because he was so young. Ouch. So Jimmy leaves to go to the bathroom (compose himself) and when I ask the other guy at the bar if he thinks i hurt jimmy's feelings he called me a "stuck up snob" (or something just as bad) Double Ouch. So Jimmy comes back from groveling and I apologize. To which my single straight man comes out of his interview and is like "wtf did i miss while I was gone?"

I just managed to alienate all of the single straight guys at the bar while i was applying for a dating show. haha.

Whatever. Just as long as they don't make me do a burpee.