So this past weekend my mom came up to visit me in good old Providence. I have a really good relationship with my mom so I was looking forward to her visit - although i had to mentally prepare myself for comments regarding my eating habits, the state of my apartment, and of course my dating life - which I knew were inevitable.
So mom arrives on Thursday night and while I go to work the next day she begins to tear my apartment apart. Now I don't consider myself a really messy person but I guess with the fabulous lifestyle I have (haha jk) it's hard to keep some of the real nitty gritty cleaning up. So when I get home I sit down to my first lecture - "Sarah you have stay on top of the dust" (ok so i may have noticed some dust balls the size of small rodents) "Sarah you have to pull the stove away from the wall sometimes" (ok she may have found enough seasonings that fell behind there to make a top chefesq entree) and finally "Sarah you have to take the time to put away your clothes" (ok I might have had so many clothes on the floor I could have clothed those dustball rodents".) So after the cleaning lecture we let the fun begin.
We decided to drive into Boston with my good friend J and his boyfriend R. First we take a walk down Newbury St. where mom kindly treats me to the 5 for $25 deal at Vicky's Secret so that I could throw away some of my old granny underpants (another thing she noticed during the cleaning frenzy) and some new clothes at H&M. Not my first choice for a clothing excursion but when mom is buying I don't argue. And this store was a ton better than the one at the mall when I have to find my size in a pile of clothes on the floor.
So then we head to dinner and of course I am taken aback at our gorgeous waiter, Pete. Pete looks like someone who auditioned for the role of Danny Zucko on that show "You're the One that I Want" so I was always expecting him to break out into song when he came to the table. J's favorite activity is to play matchmaker so he proceeded to try to make conversation with him the entire time. Well Pete wasn't too smart because at one point he came over and asked us if we wanted dessert and we hadn't even gotten our meals yet. We proceeded to laugh in his face and I swear he ran away and cried in the bathroom. J wants to tell him that he's hot. Mom tells him not to because then Pete will get so flustered that he will mess up all of his other orders for the evening and then will go home and kill himself. (mom! who knew she had such a disturbed mind although I swear we were laughing for like 10 minutes after she said that). So after we were finished harassing Pete we then left and made our way to a comedy club. We landed a seat in the front row so I thought for sure we were going to have a few laughs at our expense. (the best kind). Sadly - the comedians were horrible! I could have gotten up there and done better - Pete the waiter was effortlessly funnier than these guys.
The next night mom and I went to Watefire, a unique event to providence where they light fires along the canal. I know it sounds like a pyromaniac's heaven but it really is a nice event. We go on this boat ride on the canal and since the fire's were just lit mom was convinced we were going to catch on fire. We are taking pictures of each other but when i suggest we have a picture taken together she says no, that's queer. She also makes a comment that people might think we are in the lesbian boat because these two women behind us (who look like mother and daughter) are holding hands the entire time.
After we avoid getting our hair lit on fire we then make our way over to one of my favorite bars for some after fire drinks. Ok so a few days ago I met this guy from Lebanon who has not stopped texting me. So mom says - tell him to come meet us for a drink. I ponder and think this could go really really well or horribly bad. So I decide to take my chances invite him and he quickly agrees. He starts telling us all about how he won the silver medal in the olympics (in like '88 - you do the math) for taekwondo. and all about the movie he is premiering in october. (something about a woman with AIDS infecting men cause she hates them) I had heard all about this the first time i met him and apparently those are his two favorite topics to talk about. things went surprisingly well except for the fact that he didn't offer to buy us drinks - which was a big no no in mom's book. The other thing to point out is that he has been texting this other girl i know and she also showed up at the bar so that was a nice little awkward Lebanese combo.
Meanwhile I have a slight crush on the bartender and I am majorly using mom to score some points. He keeps forcing martinis on her and then we decide to all do a shot together. So he tells my mom to pick what we are going to toast to. Now mom doesn't do well with thinking of things on the spot so she says something like "here's to the end of the year, summer being over." i look at her like THAT is what you thought of?? we have the hottest bartender in providence buying us a shot and THAT is what you say?? Later on she says well what i could have said is "Here's to my daughter finding a husband." haha touche`. So after I almost die of embarrassment hot bartender smiles and says...I like it, "Here's to Winter". oy.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Diddily Dicking
My trainer at the gym accused me of this today. Sometimes he says things that are kind of random and this day wasn't any different. So why was I so called "diddily dicking"? Well over the weekend as I was getting my drink at the bar I got so excited at the song that came on that I decided to skip back to where my friends were standing. Since I had already pulled some kind of muscle the week before my body clearly couldn't handle the skip so my hip gave out and I pretty much turned what was supposed to be a whimsical fun movement into a clumsy, ungraceful, pathetic way to enter a room. So now I'm limping around like an old woman. It's very attractive.
Pause - I don't know if I have told you yet that I pretty much invest all of my mediocre income into a 20 year old red head ordering me around so that i can try to lose weight. My trainer and i have a love/hate relationship. I enjoy yelling at him when he makes me do things like the plank (this horrible exercise where I am basically on my elbows trying to hold my fat ass up in the air for more than 15 seconds) or these things called mountain climbers (because seriously would I ever climb a mountain in real life or for pretend. i didn't think so) but I honestly would miss him if i didn't see him on a regular basis. I swear. Plus - he's probably the most consistent hetero male in my life at the moment. Sad, but true. Except I am constantly reminded on how we would never be in the same social circles. I was told I was too old to be invited to any of his parties. ouch.
So anyway - after he said this ridiculous phrase and still not sure really what it meant it made me think how this phrase could apply to a wide variety of moments that I have experienced lately.
Diddily Dick Moment #1
I approach a guy I hung out with the night before after I see him park him and his group of friends on the beach right behind me and my friends (a pure accident) in a "light and breezy" way just to say hi. I had this whole plan worked out that would time our "run in" completely right. Of course things cannot be that easy and now we have been within a few feet of each other for pretty much the whole morning. I decide to approach him while him and his friends are about to leave the beach. Like a deer in headlights as he sees me approach he completely shuts down and/or almost goes into cardiac arrest and stands like a statue while I am scraping for words to make this any less awkward. For a split second I think - is the sun shining on me in a way that makes me unrecognizable from the night before? Haha of course not - I just have apparently broken the cardinal rule. Never make any form of contact in broad daylight. Was I diddily dicking or was he?
Diddily Dicking Moment #2
When I'm on the beach all I really crave is an Italian ice. Last summer mango was my flavor. This summer it is key lime pie. It is so refreshing I'm in heaven every time I eat it. THAT IS when they have it in stock. This poor twelve year old girl (yes they use child labor) working the ice stand had to endure the wrath of me when she told me that they were all out of key lime ice that day. Basically after blurting out every explicative that I could think of and I threw in a "I will fucking kill you" under my breath the girl looked like I had just transformed into the monster that used to hide under her bed. I am a huge diddily dick.
Diddily Dicking Moment #3
Pause - I don't know if I have told you yet that I pretty much invest all of my mediocre income into a 20 year old red head ordering me around so that i can try to lose weight. My trainer and i have a love/hate relationship. I enjoy yelling at him when he makes me do things like the plank (this horrible exercise where I am basically on my elbows trying to hold my fat ass up in the air for more than 15 seconds) or these things called mountain climbers (because seriously would I ever climb a mountain in real life or for pretend. i didn't think so) but I honestly would miss him if i didn't see him on a regular basis. I swear. Plus - he's probably the most consistent hetero male in my life at the moment. Sad, but true. Except I am constantly reminded on how we would never be in the same social circles. I was told I was too old to be invited to any of his parties. ouch.
So anyway - after he said this ridiculous phrase and still not sure really what it meant it made me think how this phrase could apply to a wide variety of moments that I have experienced lately.
Diddily Dick Moment #1
I approach a guy I hung out with the night before after I see him park him and his group of friends on the beach right behind me and my friends (a pure accident) in a "light and breezy" way just to say hi. I had this whole plan worked out that would time our "run in" completely right. Of course things cannot be that easy and now we have been within a few feet of each other for pretty much the whole morning. I decide to approach him while him and his friends are about to leave the beach. Like a deer in headlights as he sees me approach he completely shuts down and/or almost goes into cardiac arrest and stands like a statue while I am scraping for words to make this any less awkward. For a split second I think - is the sun shining on me in a way that makes me unrecognizable from the night before? Haha of course not - I just have apparently broken the cardinal rule. Never make any form of contact in broad daylight. Was I diddily dicking or was he?
Diddily Dicking Moment #2
When I'm on the beach all I really crave is an Italian ice. Last summer mango was my flavor. This summer it is key lime pie. It is so refreshing I'm in heaven every time I eat it. THAT IS when they have it in stock. This poor twelve year old girl (yes they use child labor) working the ice stand had to endure the wrath of me when she told me that they were all out of key lime ice that day. Basically after blurting out every explicative that I could think of and I threw in a "I will fucking kill you" under my breath the girl looked like I had just transformed into the monster that used to hide under her bed. I am a huge diddily dick.
Diddily Dicking Moment #3
At work the other day I had to use the bathroom for evil. I try to avoid this at all costs but just couldn't get around it this day. All of a sudden the toilet is making this gurgling noise and I can seriously hear it laughing at me like "hahah you thought you were going to get away with this but I will make this the worst day of your life". I start to break out into a sweat because I honestly would escape through the back door and never return if the toilet started to overflow. I take a deep breath and say a quick prayer while I make another attempt to flush. It all starts to go down and I honestly almost get down on my knees thanking god for sparing me from what could have clearly been one of my most embarrassing days. Diddily Dicking at its best.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
24 Hours in the Windy City
I think that I did the craziest thing in my life this past weekend.
It all started when I was at my friend L's wedding on the beach in Rhode Island. I was there with our other good friend B. We were sharing a hotel room with his friend E. The wedding was beautiful and we were having a great time. I started talking about how I've been dying to go to Chicago...B and I were talking about when we could possibly go and all of a sudden E says let's just go tonight! E apparantly has some money and was actually willing to buy the three of us tickets as well as book us a hotel room at the swank W hotel for no reason whatsoever. I immediately say I'm in. Chicago + free = totally for me. I was psyched.
He has his "secretary" (does anyone still really use that term anymore) book us the flights and we were only able to get one for 6:30 in the morning. So we continue to enjoy the wedding and the bars afterward. We were pretty typsy and decide to go to sleep for an hour or so. We wake up at 4:30 in the morning and still in a slight drunkin daze manage to get ourselves together to head to the airport. Things were kind of frenzied because B of course didn't have any of his things packed.
We get to the airport kind of late and there is mad chaos inside. I have never seen so many people at 6:00 in the morning. We make it to security - I had decided to carry my bag on. (my bag that included my dress from the night before and a tank top and shorts and pretty much that's it) when i realized that i had all of my toiletries not in the little containers that they were supposed to be in. we are now majorly late for our flight and in a panic i run back over to the check in counter to see if i can get my bag checked. i am able to and i manage to scurry back through security and onto our flight. We have to change planes in Philadelphia and i pray that my bag is along for the ride.
11:30 a.m. - We arrive in the great city of Chi-ca-go. My bag is nowhere to be found. The lady at the desk is no help to me whatsoever and I'm getting ready to wind my hand back to slap her and say I will f--king kill you when B finds my bag just laying all by it's lonesome on another carousel. Slap averted.
12:24 p.m. - Our car service (yes that's correct) drops us off at the W hotel and I seriously am doubting whether they were going to let us stay in such a nice place when we looked like vagrants.
2:06 p.m. - After walking down the Magnificent Mile and having lunch B and I decide to take a much needed nap.
5:40 p.m. - Refreshed we head to Market Days which is the largest gay festival in Chicago and is located in Boys Town. I knew I had landed in Boys Town when the mural on the wall was a Bud Light ad with two guys and the words "Be who you are".
pause - I forgot to add that my friend B and his friend E are both homosexuals and that the caveat to me going on this all expenses paid getaway was that i suck it up and be a lesbian. i mean dress like a lesbian. which i was since all i had in my bag was two wifebeaters (one white and one orange) and a pair of cacki shorts. It was either between that or my party dress from the night before and look like a drag queen.
6:58 p.m. - I am drunk on some mysterious green concoction that the gays keep feeding me. Gay boys are coming up to me left and right like moths to a flame. For a second I feel like Kathy Griffin, but cuter. The bar we are at has this fabulous activity set up where we all have numbers on our shirts and people can write notes to each other. I pretty much threaten this one gay boy into writing me a note which I then flaunt to every person I see after that.
7:16 p.m. - A boy dressed as a lifeguard and nothing but a speedo on comes in and somehow we start talking. I make some comment on how he wouldn't be interested in me. He gets all solemn and almost like the room got dark and there was a light shining on him he says "you never know - things are not always as they appear." i am so confused at this statement and as he is running away i'm shouting - wait! does that mean that you are straight???
7:55 p.m. - A gay man who honestly looks like Frankenstein tells me that I'm beautiful. I am flattered.
8:32 p.m. - Another group of guys and one girl walk in. One of the guys is very cute so me in my all new confident attitude walks right up to him and tells him that I think he's hot. I go on and on about how I know he doesn't care what I think but I just needed to say it. He looks at me and says "I'm straight". I almost fall over for my prayers have been answered. I have found the one straight guy that walked in through those doors.
10:07 p.m. - After doing 2 Irish car bombs I am now teetering on the brink of becoming sick. Thankfully knowing my limits at my age I quickly go into damage control. I immediately order water, down it and need another one. The first bartender was a woman and gave it to me for free, the second time it was a guy bartender and he wanted to charge me for a bottle. I am so pissed at this point and he won't budge. So i decide to accuse him of being prejudiced of straight people and say "what is it because i'm not gay!!??" he then refuses to serve me at all. since i was now standing with my new gay posse they calm me down buy me a bottle of water.
10:45 p.m. - I am still hanging out with my new cute straight boyfriend and we are having a fabulous time dancing because as we all know gay bars play the best music. As we walk from room to room he takes my hand and is seriously getting looks and cat calls from the men as we walk by. Some are disgusted when they see me attached to him, some are proud and shout something like "hold on to him girl". I am weirdly flattered by all of this and wonder how much he is actually secretly enjoying it.
1:22 a.m. - B takes a liking to new cute straight boyfriend's friend so the four of us go out for burritos and i am annoyed that they forget to put guacamole in mine. New cute straight boyfriend and I piss B off by wearing our sunglasses and singing "i wear my sunglasses at night".
I am elated at how the night has turned out and by the fact that I haven't lost anything.
9:00 a.m. - Walk myself to Starbucks and order a Vivanno AND a spinach feta wrap. I know - scandalous. I am on top of the world with how the weekend turned out and want to continue my rock star lifestyle right on into my breakfast order.
11:20 a.m. - I'm on my flight back home wondering how this all happened. It may not have been how I originally envisioned my first trip out to Chicago - but I certainly wouldn't have changed one second of it.
It all started when I was at my friend L's wedding on the beach in Rhode Island. I was there with our other good friend B. We were sharing a hotel room with his friend E. The wedding was beautiful and we were having a great time. I started talking about how I've been dying to go to Chicago...B and I were talking about when we could possibly go and all of a sudden E says let's just go tonight! E apparantly has some money and was actually willing to buy the three of us tickets as well as book us a hotel room at the swank W hotel for no reason whatsoever. I immediately say I'm in. Chicago + free = totally for me. I was psyched.
He has his "secretary" (does anyone still really use that term anymore) book us the flights and we were only able to get one for 6:30 in the morning. So we continue to enjoy the wedding and the bars afterward. We were pretty typsy and decide to go to sleep for an hour or so. We wake up at 4:30 in the morning and still in a slight drunkin daze manage to get ourselves together to head to the airport. Things were kind of frenzied because B of course didn't have any of his things packed.
We get to the airport kind of late and there is mad chaos inside. I have never seen so many people at 6:00 in the morning. We make it to security - I had decided to carry my bag on. (my bag that included my dress from the night before and a tank top and shorts and pretty much that's it) when i realized that i had all of my toiletries not in the little containers that they were supposed to be in. we are now majorly late for our flight and in a panic i run back over to the check in counter to see if i can get my bag checked. i am able to and i manage to scurry back through security and onto our flight. We have to change planes in Philadelphia and i pray that my bag is along for the ride.
11:30 a.m. - We arrive in the great city of Chi-ca-go. My bag is nowhere to be found. The lady at the desk is no help to me whatsoever and I'm getting ready to wind my hand back to slap her and say I will f--king kill you when B finds my bag just laying all by it's lonesome on another carousel. Slap averted.
12:24 p.m. - Our car service (yes that's correct) drops us off at the W hotel and I seriously am doubting whether they were going to let us stay in such a nice place when we looked like vagrants.
2:06 p.m. - After walking down the Magnificent Mile and having lunch B and I decide to take a much needed nap.
5:40 p.m. - Refreshed we head to Market Days which is the largest gay festival in Chicago and is located in Boys Town. I knew I had landed in Boys Town when the mural on the wall was a Bud Light ad with two guys and the words "Be who you are".
pause - I forgot to add that my friend B and his friend E are both homosexuals and that the caveat to me going on this all expenses paid getaway was that i suck it up and be a lesbian. i mean dress like a lesbian. which i was since all i had in my bag was two wifebeaters (one white and one orange) and a pair of cacki shorts. It was either between that or my party dress from the night before and look like a drag queen.
6:58 p.m. - I am drunk on some mysterious green concoction that the gays keep feeding me. Gay boys are coming up to me left and right like moths to a flame. For a second I feel like Kathy Griffin, but cuter. The bar we are at has this fabulous activity set up where we all have numbers on our shirts and people can write notes to each other. I pretty much threaten this one gay boy into writing me a note which I then flaunt to every person I see after that.
7:16 p.m. - A boy dressed as a lifeguard and nothing but a speedo on comes in and somehow we start talking. I make some comment on how he wouldn't be interested in me. He gets all solemn and almost like the room got dark and there was a light shining on him he says "you never know - things are not always as they appear." i am so confused at this statement and as he is running away i'm shouting - wait! does that mean that you are straight???
7:55 p.m. - A gay man who honestly looks like Frankenstein tells me that I'm beautiful. I am flattered.
8:32 p.m. - Another group of guys and one girl walk in. One of the guys is very cute so me in my all new confident attitude walks right up to him and tells him that I think he's hot. I go on and on about how I know he doesn't care what I think but I just needed to say it. He looks at me and says "I'm straight". I almost fall over for my prayers have been answered. I have found the one straight guy that walked in through those doors.
10:07 p.m. - After doing 2 Irish car bombs I am now teetering on the brink of becoming sick. Thankfully knowing my limits at my age I quickly go into damage control. I immediately order water, down it and need another one. The first bartender was a woman and gave it to me for free, the second time it was a guy bartender and he wanted to charge me for a bottle. I am so pissed at this point and he won't budge. So i decide to accuse him of being prejudiced of straight people and say "what is it because i'm not gay!!??" he then refuses to serve me at all. since i was now standing with my new gay posse they calm me down buy me a bottle of water.
10:45 p.m. - I am still hanging out with my new cute straight boyfriend and we are having a fabulous time dancing because as we all know gay bars play the best music. As we walk from room to room he takes my hand and is seriously getting looks and cat calls from the men as we walk by. Some are disgusted when they see me attached to him, some are proud and shout something like "hold on to him girl". I am weirdly flattered by all of this and wonder how much he is actually secretly enjoying it.
1:22 a.m. - B takes a liking to new cute straight boyfriend's friend so the four of us go out for burritos and i am annoyed that they forget to put guacamole in mine. New cute straight boyfriend and I piss B off by wearing our sunglasses and singing "i wear my sunglasses at night".
I am elated at how the night has turned out and by the fact that I haven't lost anything.
9:00 a.m. - Walk myself to Starbucks and order a Vivanno AND a spinach feta wrap. I know - scandalous. I am on top of the world with how the weekend turned out and want to continue my rock star lifestyle right on into my breakfast order.
11:20 a.m. - I'm on my flight back home wondering how this all happened. It may not have been how I originally envisioned my first trip out to Chicago - but I certainly wouldn't have changed one second of it.
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