I regret ever ever wanting to be on The Bachelor. Ever. Don't get me wrong. I still won't miss an episode but I could not put myself through what these girls do. This is seriously a train wreck.
A couple of observations:
Rose #9 Jillian is totally my girl - i'm rooting for her.
Rose #8 I can't figure Lauren out. Is she a bitch or just totally insecure? p.s. I think I danced next to her in the boom boom room at the jersey shore. definitely.
Rose #7 Megan is a wackadoo
Rose #6 Melissa reminds me of someone and I can't think of it.
Rose #5 I think the other girls should have sang the walk of shame song when that girl came home in his clothes. What is her name? Holly? Holly hookup?
Rose #4 Shannan still has a napkin on her lips. ouch.
Rose #3 naiomi - i think i just butchered the spelling of her name but i'm too lazy to google it. she needs to go back to being eva mendez's body double.
Rose #2 Stephanie is sweet but what the hell was she wearing when she was doing the singing contest? and what the heck was she singing?
and Rose #1 Nikky totally got dumped because she has side burns.
Why else won't I go on this show? Because I don't need to be written about in some single girl's blog :)
Monday, January 26, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The "Hi have a chance Hat"
I have recently renamed a Providence night spot from the Hi Hat to the "Hi have a chance Hat". Why the name change you ask?
Well one of my friends from work and I decided to stop by Saturday night to listen to a band I'm thinking of booking for one of our events.
The fact that we saw a couple of middle aged drunk women stumble out onto the sidewalk as we walked in was not a good sign.
I was seriously the youngest person in the place. I felt like even in their drunken state - everyone was aware of this fact almost like there was an arrow over my head pointing me out. The men were drooling over us like we were brand new prey that wandered into their lair.
The outfits were unbelievable. Some women did not want to give up their New Year's Eve sparkles. Some others couldn't stop looking at themselves while they were dancing - they thought they were such hot shit.
We see this group of guys that looked around our age. Who talk about hot shit - thought they were roasting. However it seemed that they were constantly asking this group of older women to dance and I suddenly realized we had a group of cougars on our hands. At one point this one younger - slightly attractive (in a "the best of the worst" kind of way) asks this one woman in the group to dance. I could not understand it. On top of the fact that she should have stopped wearing haltar tops about 20 years ago - I know this is going to sound horribly mean but she almost looked slightly retarded. I am 100% positive that she was not - but I was staring with this I can't believe this is happening look on my face. Her friends were half giddy for their friend/half totally jealous that it wasn't them out there. So of course I need to start trouble and catch eyes with one of the friends and start mouthing to her - do you want to dance with him too? My friend immediately stops me from creating a scene.
Another one of the guys in the group was absolutely repulsive. He had on his horrible striped shirt, which laid over his beer belly and slight hunch of his back. He thought he was such a ladies man and came marching confidently over to me and my friend. Of course asked us to dance and I couldn't even take a breath before blurting out no. I almost wanted to say - I've been making fun of you mercilessly since I walked into this reject haven.
I continued to be mesmerized by the seduction of the cougars by the young boys. I couldn't tell if they were doing it on a dare or as a joke - or - if they were seriously trying to get some ass from these women. (it had to be because they had no chance in a normal bar).
Once my friend and I heard the first few notes of "Let's Get It On" we knew it was our exit to leave. No need to actually witness the grinding of what could be my mom's friends with their potential sons at the Hi have a chance Hat.
Well one of my friends from work and I decided to stop by Saturday night to listen to a band I'm thinking of booking for one of our events.
The fact that we saw a couple of middle aged drunk women stumble out onto the sidewalk as we walked in was not a good sign.
I was seriously the youngest person in the place. I felt like even in their drunken state - everyone was aware of this fact almost like there was an arrow over my head pointing me out. The men were drooling over us like we were brand new prey that wandered into their lair.
The outfits were unbelievable. Some women did not want to give up their New Year's Eve sparkles. Some others couldn't stop looking at themselves while they were dancing - they thought they were such hot shit.
We see this group of guys that looked around our age. Who talk about hot shit - thought they were roasting. However it seemed that they were constantly asking this group of older women to dance and I suddenly realized we had a group of cougars on our hands. At one point this one younger - slightly attractive (in a "the best of the worst" kind of way) asks this one woman in the group to dance. I could not understand it. On top of the fact that she should have stopped wearing haltar tops about 20 years ago - I know this is going to sound horribly mean but she almost looked slightly retarded. I am 100% positive that she was not - but I was staring with this I can't believe this is happening look on my face. Her friends were half giddy for their friend/half totally jealous that it wasn't them out there. So of course I need to start trouble and catch eyes with one of the friends and start mouthing to her - do you want to dance with him too? My friend immediately stops me from creating a scene.
Another one of the guys in the group was absolutely repulsive. He had on his horrible striped shirt, which laid over his beer belly and slight hunch of his back. He thought he was such a ladies man and came marching confidently over to me and my friend. Of course asked us to dance and I couldn't even take a breath before blurting out no. I almost wanted to say - I've been making fun of you mercilessly since I walked into this reject haven.
I continued to be mesmerized by the seduction of the cougars by the young boys. I couldn't tell if they were doing it on a dare or as a joke - or - if they were seriously trying to get some ass from these women. (it had to be because they had no chance in a normal bar).
Once my friend and I heard the first few notes of "Let's Get It On" we knew it was our exit to leave. No need to actually witness the grinding of what could be my mom's friends with their potential sons at the Hi have a chance Hat.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
375 Degrees
Happy New Year Everyone! I can't complain with how the first two weeks of 2009 have played out except for how freakin freezing it's been. That includes NYE. I was in Boston with the new boy who will be referred to as N.B. from now on. We saw hysterical comedian Joel McHale who also could not get over how freaking cold it was. Besides the fact that I almost killed a train of snowplows on the way there and the taxi driver who insisted on driving extremely slow while taking a wrong turn with minutes to spare to midnight - we had a great time.
So fast forward two weeks to last night and N.B. stops over and finds me wrapped up with multiple layers and a blanket wrapped around me in my freezing apartment. He suggests that I put my oven on and open the oven door which was a fabulous idea. So as I'm pumping that baby up to 375 degrees I think - wouldn't it be great to bake some cookies? It's only after 10:00 on a Wednesday night - a perfect time to make cookies. So I suddenly realize i have the cookie mix BFF from high school gave me for christmas. (he is so domestic) It's one of those mason jars with all the layers of ingredients. (it looked so pretty I didn't want to ruin it). I realize I don't have any eggs so I give a knock on my awkward next door neighbor's door to see if he has any (who as he's getting them is making all these faces like his eyes are adjusting to the light - please). However, we are in luck.
So I start to dump all the ingredients in the bowl and have a road block when I see the brown sugar in the mason jar is rock solid. Thank god N.B. has some muscles cause he had to attack that which left a spoon bent in half.
So here we go...
1st cookie attempt - N.B. teaches me how to play texas hold em while the cookies are baking. I take them out and N.B. thinks we need 2 more minutes. I listen and all of a sudden smoke is coming out my easy bake oven. Cookies burned.
2nd cookie attempt - I have half the bowl of cookie dough left so we give this another whirl. N.B. and I get preoccupied ;). Cookies burned. Again.
3rd cookie attempt - As N.B. and I are laughing about how my neighbor would explain to the firefighters why the building burned down. ("I don't know sir..I lent her an egg and then all of a sudden smoke was coming out of her apartment") I scrape enough cookie dough out of the bowl to make 4 final cookies. I pull out my secret weapon - tin foil. I will not let these cookies burn again. I stand by the oven and literally watch them bake pulling them out every few minutes. And there we have it - four perfectly baked cookies. At 12:05 in the morning.
So fast forward two weeks to last night and N.B. stops over and finds me wrapped up with multiple layers and a blanket wrapped around me in my freezing apartment. He suggests that I put my oven on and open the oven door which was a fabulous idea. So as I'm pumping that baby up to 375 degrees I think - wouldn't it be great to bake some cookies? It's only after 10:00 on a Wednesday night - a perfect time to make cookies. So I suddenly realize i have the cookie mix BFF from high school gave me for christmas. (he is so domestic) It's one of those mason jars with all the layers of ingredients. (it looked so pretty I didn't want to ruin it). I realize I don't have any eggs so I give a knock on my awkward next door neighbor's door to see if he has any (who as he's getting them is making all these faces like his eyes are adjusting to the light - please). However, we are in luck.
So I start to dump all the ingredients in the bowl and have a road block when I see the brown sugar in the mason jar is rock solid. Thank god N.B. has some muscles cause he had to attack that which left a spoon bent in half.
So here we go...
1st cookie attempt - N.B. teaches me how to play texas hold em while the cookies are baking. I take them out and N.B. thinks we need 2 more minutes. I listen and all of a sudden smoke is coming out my easy bake oven. Cookies burned.
2nd cookie attempt - I have half the bowl of cookie dough left so we give this another whirl. N.B. and I get preoccupied ;). Cookies burned. Again.
3rd cookie attempt - As N.B. and I are laughing about how my neighbor would explain to the firefighters why the building burned down. ("I don't know sir..I lent her an egg and then all of a sudden smoke was coming out of her apartment") I scrape enough cookie dough out of the bowl to make 4 final cookies. I pull out my secret weapon - tin foil. I will not let these cookies burn again. I stand by the oven and literally watch them bake pulling them out every few minutes. And there we have it - four perfectly baked cookies. At 12:05 in the morning.
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