A Work in Progress

So here we are - the last days of 2008. It has been quite a year I feel like I have come a long way since this time last year.

On New Year's Day last year my friend and I were on a plane to Florida to bask in the sun for a few days. Too bad the sun didn't come out at all while we were there and I insisted on going tanning every day so I came back with a tan. During that trip I also had another pointless relationship end via telephone. But that was ok - I was starting the new year fresh and without any obnoxious guys who have smell issues (yes it was bad). So on the plane ride home I decided to write goals for 2008. Looking back now, surprisingly I did pretty well.

Throughout the year I got a new job, started my jewelry selling business, started seeing a trainer, and was inspired to start this blog which the five of you enjoy reading so much. I was trying new things like taking dance classes, learning about different wines and trying out new recipes (I think I always resort back to pesto pasta with chicken and zucchini). On top of that I had a much more positive attitude - my parents and friends noticed a difference in my outlook and when there were times that I fell down I was picking myself right back up. Sure I still dating the wrong guys and having my fair share of heartbreak and disappointment. But through it all I learned more about myself and what I was ultimately looking for in the end.

I have a brand new set of goals this year - some the same from last year, some new and exciting but the theme stays the same - trying to live my best life.

It's definitely a work in progress...

Dear Santaglas

So in between reading the 3rd book in the Twilight series (yes I am still obsessed, my mother had to slowly back me away from the Twilight display at Borders that was equipped with a full stock of Edward t-shirts) I traveled home from RI to NJ to celebrate Christmas with my family. Sometimes it's hard to get in the spirit when you are at the age that I am. Christmas is so hyped up when you are a little kid that it's sometimes hard to have that same excitement when you are too old for some of the traditions (however I will still be wearing my new christmas eve pjs) yet you don't have a family of your own yet to start the traditions that you enjoyed so much growing up. I was very fortunate that my parents always made Christmas fun and exciting for me and my brother - but of course not without a few hitches along the way.

Christmas 1985 - (Pre-brother) every god damn present under that tree was for me including my full kitchen set which I think is bigger than the own I currently have now.

Christmas 1986 - Now that my baby brother was in the picture the video camera was solely on him and all you could hear in the background was me saying thank you incessantly desperate for any attention. I occasionally gave him a piece of wrapping paper to play with. I'm so giving.

Christmas 1988 - The first time we drove down to Florida to visit my grandparents. Happened to also be the first blizzard Georgia and Northern Florida had seen in over 20 years. I couldn't stop crying thinking that Santa Claus wouldn't be able to find us in a motel while we were stranded.

Christmas 1989 - Our 2nd attempt to drive to Florida - my father wanted to get there so bad he hated to make any "unnecessary stops" along the way. Which resorted to my brother being so thirsty he started drinking out of my doll's baby bottle (which I had to throw up to the front to him since I was traveling in the way back of the suburban with the luggage) (cause my brother got car sick and needed the whole back seat)

Christmas 1991 -I couldn't get enough New Kids on the Block paraphernalia including my oversized door poster. Hmm some things haven't changed much.

Christmas 1993 - My father wasn't always the best at putting things together so I put together all of my brother's gifts including a pool table for the basement - who knew I was so handy with the a screwdriver!

Christmas 1999 - My first Christmas home from college all of my clothes had to be returned after I had gained the freshman 15.

Christmas 2002 - My dad got my mom a "shopping spree" for christmas which included a gift certificate to Lane Bryant. That didn't go over well.

Christmas 2006 - In my effort to be sentimental I had a plaque made for my dad's office commemorating 25 years of his painting and paperhanging business. As he opened it he started bawling his eyes out and none of us knew why. As we all sat there in shock we didn't know what to do so we all started crying.

Christmas 2007 - To bring my extended family closer on Christmas Eve I did what I know best - I started multiple rounds of buttery nipple shots.

There were certainly many more wonderful memories over the years and many generous gifts. (Although my mother was famous for "replacing" brand name items for a more value conscious purchase When I asked for Coach I got Goach. When I asked for Tommy Girl I got Johnny Gal. When I asked for Uggs I got Fuggs ("but they are from Australia!" says my mother...)) And even though my brother and I would tease each other and argue over the holidays last night I found a letter he wrote to Santa all by himself when he was 7.

Dear Santaglas,

I am 7 in a half (then there was an arrow and it said look up and he had added the word This which i think was to start the next sentence) (This) You will find on chrismise eve and give my sister a extra prezint ok, and give me another note ok and santaglas write on the back of this papaer and eat my cookeis if you want to.

from c.f.
to santaglas.


And that is what Christmas is all about.

I'm obsessed.

With Twilight.





I feel like I'm always slightly behind the latest trend. I was french cuffing my jeans well into middle school when everyone else had moved on to the baggy jeans. I was enjoying bacon and steak on the Atkins diet while everyone had moved onto the South Beach Diet. My friends and I started spending our summers in Manasquan about five years later than everyone else - hence making us the oldest people dancing in the boom boom room at the Osprey. I think you get my point.



Craziness has ensued around me for the last month yet I just recently became aware of this phenomenon of a teenage love story involving a vampire. After seeing how amazingly hot the vampire is in the movie (yes I'm drooling right along with adolescent 14 year olds) I immediately ran out to buy the book which I then finished in 3 days (ok i know that isn't that hard) and have plans to see the movie tomorrow night.




Yet of course I am behind the eight ball because people have already read the entire 4 book SERIES and have seen the movie yet I insist on telling everyone I come into contact with that I just finished book #1. Where have I been? Even the fact that I am writing this post about Twilight after the hundreds of others shows that sometimes I can be 3 steps behind. Whatever. The surprising thing is that I'm not really into this fantasy/scary/hero-esq type of movie. It's the love story that obviously got me. But I can tell you that I'm hooked.


I think they are onto something here with making these fantasy series into movies. Maybe I will give that boy with the round glasses a try. ;)

Rejection Disguised in a Catholic School Uniform

One of those survey emails was just started by one of my high school friends that asked 5 things that you were doing 10 years ago. 10 years ago would have brought me back to the middle of my senior year in high school. A time in my life where I thought I had come so far yet was already experiencing some of life's little (or major if you asked my 17 year old self) disappointments. Who am I kidding? They are still major if I'm talking about them 10 years later.

First I will share with you the 5 things I was doing 10 years ago - and so important it seemed like they were:

1. Figuring out when I should get my highlights done again .- let's face it. This was extremely important to avoid horrible roots. However I am shocked at how I was able to afford highlights on a regular basis when 1. i can't afford them now and 2. i was working off of a salary of a ymca daycare employee.
2. Listening to Baby One more Time and the Chimney Song with my bff in HS in his car. - We discovered the Chimney Song - and it was the start of our love of vocal house music. And let's just say - 10 years later and I'm still trying to buy Britney tickets.
3. Picking up almost everyone that attended my high school from my home town and squishing them into my 1995 Mitsubishi Gallant to bring them to school each morning.
4. Falling asleep in Mr. Downing's history class.
5. Signing up to be on the prom committee - we will see the aftermath of this in a few minutes.

After we started this list - it got us talking about all of the things we tried to do but were DENIED in high school.

1. Antioch team leaders - being a retreat team leader was somewhat of a social status in high school. However it was kind of ironic because you had to have some kind of sad sob story to get you picked. But then everyone idolized you for it.
2. Fashion show participants. Again another sign of social status. Certain students were "selected" to participate in this annual fashion show fundraiser. It gave girls the opportunity to walk down the runway in a really pretty dress with their hair all done up with a cute buy from class to the song "Wonderful Tonight". Usually the "models" were captains of athletic teams, or President's of certain clubs. Hello? Why wasn't the captain of the colorguard represented??
3. Coffeehouse performers - that one hurt. My bff from number 2 up top and I were a Will and Grace of sorts in high school. We decided that he was going to sing My One True Friend while I played along on the piano. Well besides the fact that we practiced about 5 minutes before our audition we were RUDELY laughed at and cut on the spot immediately. Only to get to the Coffeehouse a month later to see that EVERYONE that performed was horrible. And our friends were on the selection committee.
4. Prom King and Queen - I came close with Prom Princess but then had fake blood thrown on me a la carrie fisher. haha jk. BFF and I of course went to the prom together and I have to say probably did look the best. I made it to Prom Court - which was a feat in itself yet on the way out heard some b**tch say "ohhhh that's why she got it" after I hugged the prom committee moderator. I will f**king kill you.
5. Leads in the play senior year - BFF came way closer to this than i did. We used to sing for hours on end the music to Anthing Goes before the audition. However we changed the words from Anything Goes to "This Really Blows". We were so god damn clever.

Now don't get me wrong - there were many high points in high school as well. I did love being the captain of the colorguard and was a member of the National Honor Society, among other things that defined my true self in HS. However these other things for some reason stayed with me...and it continued in college as I tried so hard to get involved. I guess they were lessons early on that some things were just not meant to be - even if you did practice walking down that damn runway in your mirror a zillion times.

I am thankful for...

So the holiday season is officially upon us. For me the Christmas season starts the day after Thanksgiving. I did not give in to any of the Christmas nonsense before that - some radio stations were already playing 24 hour Christmas music! Ridiculous. Anyway - so I was home in NJ for the holiday and instead of going on and on about what I did over the few days I was home I figured I would just summarize it in a nice little list of things that happened over the weekend that I am thankful for...

1. No traffic on 95 until my last 45 minutes home - so close yet so far away.
2. The fact that out of all the 97 bars in Hoboken TJ managed to walk into the one that I was in on Thanksgiving Eve.
3. That after the awkward run in I told my new peaceful Swiss friend that he had to fight TJ and while looking so confused kept saying "Vy are vee fighting?"
4. Being put on bathroom duty on Thanksgiving morning after I accidentally turned the oven off while the turkey was cooking.
5. Having so many different pies for dessert that each person had a whole pie to themselves. (back off the apple is mine!)
6. Repeatedly being asked by my uncle "what's wrong with me" in regards to my dating life.
7. On Black Friday sleeping until 11:00 am and after waking up saying - I guess I missed all of the sales.
8. Opting instead to watch all of those "wedding shows" on WE and Oxygen that I don't get in Providence.
9. Going "shopping" in my parents basement for toilet paper, paper towels, garbage bags, and sponges to take back to my apartment.
10. Always knowing that everything is as it should be when I'm at home.

It's Cold Out There

What's that saying? It's either feast or famine? Pouring buckets or a drought? I recently met someone and knock on wood it's been going really well. I don't want to say too much about it because I'm always superstitious that I will jinx it somehow. However - it seems to be sending out some signal into the dating world that this opportunity has come upon me because all of these past "flings" have resurfaced recently.

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #1 - The French Writer. Met at the new club Shrine at Foxwoods over the summer. I couldn't get past the fact that all we talked about was the fact that he was French. and a Writer. I'm surprised his text message didn't say "hey étranger".

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #2 - Blast from the Past. He surely got the bat call cause I met him in nyc AT LEAST 3 years ago. Took the Chinatown bus up to see me one weekend. Never to be heard from again. Until 2 days ago.

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #3 - The Golf Pro. I must have talked about him before at some point since we have been on and off for at least a year and a half. He is currently thinking we are "on".

Doesn't Want to Be Left Out in the Cold #4 - "John" from post "Tagteam back again". We actually ended up going out one night to this extravagant dinner/show - put on by himself. To not hear from him again until I get this text at 6:40 am. "You are the first thing I think about when I wake up". hahah what? To which I respond "I think you meant to send this to someone else".

Was never in from the cold #5 - Pabsblue - Someone I talked to on an online dating site - literally 3 years ago. Suddenly has resurfaced, has a girlfriend, yet wants to know when he can take me out on the town. Eerily remembers things that I told him when we initially talked. I needed to remind him that 1. he still has a girlfriend and 2. we have never met and 3. is your screenname supposed to be a type of beer?

and last but not least

Would get married to not be left out in the cold #6 - My POF Pilot. When I asked if he could fly for free he responded - yes and when we are married you can too. Then when he didn't hear from me in awhile left a message saying - what did you go off and get married? Whoa. put down the wedding magazines and stop dialing the phone number to a wedding planner.

And I made sure to tell "John" when I saw him on facebook before I went to bed the other night..."You are the last thing I think about before I go to sleep."

You better get your hat and mittens.

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

So one of my favorite bars called me on Tuesday saying that my name had been picked for one of their VIP parties. What does that exactly mean - well they give you $3 drink specials and some free apps. However there was a twist - whichever VIP host could bring in the most guests would win a $100 bar tab. That my friends, I could definitely use.

So I immediately go into anxiety mode - who would I invite, would anyone actually come? While I have a number of friends from lots of different places in Providence, I didn't have a solid group of people that I knew would definitely come. I decided to create an event on Facebook and adorned it with one of my favorite picks from Southern Bell's wedding - me with the blow up guitar. How could anyone not want to go to a party hosted by me??

So for the first 24 hours I was the only person attending - (I think I invited around 25 people). I was seriously in a full blown panic. Not only was no one coming but everyone could see that no one was replying yes. Thankfully my friend J and his partner agreed to go so I knew that I wouldn't be by myself. A few others trickled in but that was about it. So then I had the dilemma of whether or not I ask my boss to attend. He is on Facebook and I had invited some other people from work that are on Facebook so I knew that he would see it. He already had made a comment about how he wasn't sent my Halloween pics as Sarah Palin - but saw them from someone else. So I decided to go ahead and invite him - and of course by 10:00 pm last night. It was me, J and R, T, and my boss. Exceellllleeennt.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. (which I totally will when its only me and my gays - at least I know they are loyal).

This Love Will Last Forever

I just got home from one of the most surreal experiences that I've had in awhile. I just attended the New Kids on the Block concert. Jordan, Jon, Joey, Danny and Donnie. Back together again. Life really is good.

A few things I noticed:

• About 95% of the attendees were women in their late twenties - early forties
• About 90% of the 95% were about 20 pounds + overweight.
• About 80 % of the 90% designed some kind of puff paint/scanned photo/highlighter matching NKOTB shirt with their friends.
• About 75% of the 80% we could not distinguish whether their "throwback" to the eighties was a costume or how they really dress.
• About 100% had been preparing for this night since they listened to "I'll be loving you forever" on their walkman (on repeat) the night their boyfriend broke up with them in middle school.

I have to say - age has been good to all 5 of the New Kids - all were extremely hot. I fell in love all over again. I screamed my head off like I was 10 years old again sitting in my living room watching the Hangin Tough video.

The bizarre part was that it was all exactly the same. They sounded the same - My heart skipped a beat when Jordan went into his falsetto. They were even dressed the same as they were 15 years ago. Joey in his classic skinny black tie, Danny in his muscle tee, Donnie in his chains and Red Sox hat, Jon in his button down still looking like the stage is the last place on earth he wants to be, and Jordan with his flowing unbuttoned shirt.

And of course the dance moves were the same - the right stuff hand in belt side step, the arm swinging hangin tough, the 87 pivot turns while they stand in a row, and Joey belting out Please Don't Go Girl while on his knees - it was like I was watching it 15 years ago and everything was the same - just that they were slightly older and hotter. I loved every minute of it.

Donnie pulled a sign out from the crowd because he thought the simple words had such a lasting impact on him. That never in his wildest dreams would he think they would be back here in this moment. Who knew that as a grown woman I would be screaming my head off for the five guys I loved in the 4th grade. Just as that sign said - This Love Will Last Forever.

Change Apparently Wears a Size 2XL

So I am sitting in my apartment watching the results of one of the most significant elections in history. I am very excited (still very nervous) about what this can mean for our country. Change is definitely upon us whether that change is good or bad. (except wtf is up with CNN talking to people via hologram during the election results).

I think change is funny. People are so scared of it yet it happens all the time. My ten year high school reunion is approaching next year and it makes me think about how much things have changed since those days when I hugged all my closest friends good bye and we all approached the next adventure in our lives when we spread across the east coast and headed to college.

Because I have a disease that I call ODT (obsessive to do) I decided to take over planning our reunion. (usually this is up to the President of the Class but I completely disregarded that minor detail).

So in my true ODT fashion I sent out an email on behalf of the "committee" to the entire class. All of these people who I never talked to in HS were sending me emails at how appreciative they were of my planning. I truly believe that I am going to relive my entire 4 years in one night (a la romy and michelle's high school reunion) The only nasty email I got was from this one girl who seriously came up to my left boob in height, had hair down to her knees and who I thought was a lesbian for all four years but turns out she got married to a man. woops.

Her lovely note:

"Whoa did you seriously think it was ok to publish my email address to all these people?

And you got my name wrong.

You may want to consider getting people’s permission before shotgun blasting their contact information around the world. I don’t want any of these people knowing how to talk to me."

In which I wanted to respond with - Whoa, did you actually think anyone was looking to contact you and have you gone for a haircut yet? But I was nice and simply told her I would take her off the list.

Anyway...back to change. So in the meantime I have also been friend requesting people on Facebook. And I came across something that scarred me for life. My high school crush. Let's just say that my beautiful, tall, charismatic boy of a crush doesn't quite look like he used to. So much so that I almost didn't recognize him. Now I'm 100 % sure that I wasn't the only girl with braces and in the marching band that drooled over him so I am very concerned about him making his grand entrance at our reunion. He will for sure upset many people (probably all of the closeted high school gays as well) So I decided to write him a letter.

Dear Love of My Life,

I recently came across your facebook profile and was quite taken aback from what my eyes saw. In fact I believe my exact words were "My eyes, my eyes!" as I covered my face in horror. In high school you were the image of perfection and now you are just a rather large image. I am concerned. Very concerned. I cannot, will not, let the love of my life enter our high school reunion looking like he ate the rest of the football team for dinner. So. We have decided to have an intervention. We have called the Biggest Loser - they just so happen to be doing a special on reunions. Allison is waiting in the car outside. Just put down the hot dog and beer and do this for all of us. I know that there is that lean, muscular, heartbreaker underneath those layers and he's just waiting to bust out and show his classmates that he is just as much of a hottie now that he was in high school.

All my love,

Sarah

P.S. I made sure to order low carb apps for the reunion.

** It only took me about 3 hours to write this post because I kept getting distracted. We just found out that Barack Obama just won the election. Change is good. :)

swimming with the fishes

So my friend just convinced me to try this new dating sight called Plentyoffish.com. Which I can never remember and so far have called it

-I love the fishes
-Lots of fish in the sea
-I eat fish
-Look at my pet fish

It's a free dating site. And since free = for me I couldn't resist. So after I quickly put my profile together and signed up I started hearing from people. I have just found my latest procrastinating technique at work. This is going to do some serious damage.

Currently I get easily distracted by
- checking my hotmail account every 30 seconds.
-having multiple conversations on aim
-checking facebook statuses
-planning my high school reunion
-checking up on my jewelry orders
-paying bills
-checking cnn.com so i can sound knowledgeable

umm i think that might be it for now. Since that took up about 65% of my time - my newest discovery of slippery fish definitely upped that to about 85%.

Ok - so since this site is free and slightly ghetto the graphics are not really up to par and they seriously display about 50 pictures across your screen at the same time. Ok goldfish - you are not making this easy to be discreet at work.

Then they have this im feature where guys can instantly contact you and the box pops up on your screen. And unlike aim where you can control if the screen is minimized or not - this im box pops up every single time someone says something. At one point my boss was looking at my screen over my shoulder about something and I was literally praying that one of these little pesky boxes didn't fly up.

I'll have to keep you posted on my success on this site. I will be sure to tally how many forty year olds guys who take pictures of themselves through the mirror contact me.

Did I mention that I don't like fish?

Tagteam Back Again

I'm sorry. I know. I have disappeared. For the 2 people that read my blog on a consistent basis I have no excuse. I've actually been busy. I feel like so much has happened yet in the end so much is still the same.

To bring us all up to speed:

My mother has become my wingwoman and we almost got into a fight at a bar. I know - those two statements should not even be said apart let alone within the same sentence. My parents made one of their routine treks up to Providence for a visit. Their visits usually consist of the same things: lots of eating (usually italian), shopping at the PP mall, waterfire, and me sleeping on the couch. Anyway - so after dinner we decide to go to one of my favorite bars to watch the red sox/devil rays game. Ok my dad wanted to watch the game - I wanted to watch all of the cute guys watching the game.





So as we are standing there, I notice these two guys behind me. I also notice this 40 something probably approaching 50 something woman sit down at a nearby table with her girlfriend. She is totally trying to pick up the guys behind me in her true cougar style.





Hahah unfortunately I don't have a picture of this woman but I found this one to be so hysterical because the caption underneath was "If a rabid cougar wins Dancing With the Stars are you out?" The answer is yes.

So now I'm totally eavesdropping on their convo as she sauntered over to the guys. She is pretending the she knows them from somewhere and then I hear her say that she is a pole dancer. That's right a pole dancer. Oh wait. Did I mention that her arm was in a cast? Hahaha I can't even stop laughing writing this. So the guys are just entertaining her and then she goes back to her table. My mom and I are definitely glancing over (ok staring) in her direction because she is just a sight to see. I hear her saying John! John! Come over here! (she already was holding the other one captive with her one cougar paw). So I look at "John" and he tells me that is name isn't really John and that him and his friend told her that my mom was in fact their mom and that we were all family.

So we are laughing about it and all of a sudden cougar lady comes over with her prey (he definitely looked like he had been mauled at) and she starts rambling about how she "just came out to have a good time" and that her friend's son is dying (ok and you come to a sports bar) and that they "went out to take their mind off of things" and that there is "definitely some animosity here". So we all look at each and are like "no, no" "no animosity here" and then she says "well i want to hear it from her. and her" pointing at me and then my mom. so my mom and i are trying to hold back from laughing (i don't know if it was more that someone was picking a fight with us or the fact that the person had her arm in a cast) and we say "no - no animosity from us either". Not completely believing us she is looking around at everyone trying to be reassured. So eventually she is convinced and she decides to give us all fist pumps (even my dad at the bar who has no idea what is going on). Oh. I forgot to say that when she came over for her confrontation she had a mouth full of food and as she was yapping there was food/spit flying everywhere. Quite lovely.

So after our run-in with the cougar pole dancer we were able to get back to picking up these two gentlemen. Mom has had a few martinis so she is up out of her seat and we have started talking about her favorite topic - the election. She actually did really well fulfilling her wingwoman duties by talking to the one guy while I tried to charm the other one ("John"). The friend was being a good sport and actually was entertaining my mother. Not everyone would have done well in that situation (me out with my parents) but these guys were able to handle it pretty well - impressive.

At the end of the night we were a success - I gave "John" my number and avoided getting into a brawl with a cougar who dances on poles with one arm. What a team.




Update - "John" turned out to be an ass almost immediately after that night. I should have let the cougar eat him.

Providence Socialite?

So I have reached new heights here in the city of Providence. I have sadly been living here long enough that I run into at least 2-3 people that I know every time I go out (one of them I probably made out with), I have gone to the same hair dresser, mechanic, dry cleaners, eye brow lady, gyno, nail salon for the last 5-6 years that I'm known by name as one of their regular customers (although at the nail salon she calls me Kim and I never corrected her).



But this month I made a breakthrough (I would say equal to being in US Weekly) my picture was featured in the party pics section of the popular Providence Monthly magazine that is up on all the hottest restaurants, shopping, and nightlife in Providence. I have done it - I've officially visited these "hot spots" frequently enough that they caught my picture and published it for all to see. Of course it's not the best picture of me (lets just say it's not facebook worthy). I mean I don't look horrible but i'm smiling extra big and my cheeks are a bright shade of red. Of course I'm being featured next to the Lebanese silver medalist. Remember him? (see post "Here's to Winter). Funny how by the time this magazine went to print we were no longer speaking. He probably just said something really inappropriate and I was fake smiling/slightly embarrassed hence the look on my face.



However - since the magazine was published I have gained celebrity status in the little city. So far I've been noticed by:



1. The trainers at the gym - I'm not going to lie - I'm probably pinned up in their locker but that's not saying much.

2. The women at my new nail salon (I had to leave the other one because even though my old one loved me as "Kim" i didn't love how they never had time to give me a mani/pedi).

3. The valet guy at a nightclub.

4. My former students at J&W - who had a hearty laugh at my expense. (Although it did spark the idea for them to nominate me for the magazine's February issue - Providence's Most Eligible Bachelors and Bachelorettes - I've only been dying to be in that issue for years. literally.)



Although - the best part of my new claim to fame has to be the title of the issue that I graced the pages of - "The Cheap Issue"

God I can't get a break in this town.

It's Arts and Crafts Bad

I am very nervous about the economy right now - as is everyone else. It's actually something that I am actually following on the news and online (please pick your mouth up from the floor). People are losing their jobs, they aren't able to retire, credit is going out the window - it's pretty bad. However, nothing was more disturbing when I saw what my father had been working on recently. As I walked onto the porch of my parent's house in NJ I all of a sudden see all of these art supplies (posterboard, stencils (in all letter sizes), markers, a ruler, etc.) It was a la one of my 5th grade projects that I worked so diligently on.



As I got a closer look I start to make out the stenciled words on the paper. Crayon Colors, Painting and Paperhanging. I am flabbergasted and distraught at what my eyes are seeing. (Crayon Colors is my father's painting and paperhanging business that he has had for oh let's say maybe 25-30 years?) I turn to my mother and say "What the hell is this" and she starts to laugh and explains that my father went out and bought these supplies at staples to make signs to hang around town. I said "WHAT!?" Are you kidding me? Ok even I know how to make a sign on publisher with a little clip art - nothing fancy and then can take it to Staples to have some nice color copies made.



And the word price was cut off at the end of the sign. Like when you didn't judge how long your ruler line was and started your bubble letters all nice and big and fluffy and when you got to the end of "Sarah Loves Johnny Forever" it's really more of a "Sarah Loves Johnny Fore" oh shit I ran out of room.



The worst part was my dad started to completely justify his crafty sign making. I believe his exact words were "People are looking for cheap these days" and his hodge podge sign would attract them to call up his business. Later they come to find out either a 12 year old or a gaggle of Mexicans is running his shop based on their advanced marketing pieces.



I had to take a picture just for you to see this horrible sight. I then took the sign back up to Providence with me to make a new one on publisher or gasp maybe even photoshop (which my father would probably think was an actual photo. shop.)

So folks - you know things are bad when my father has resorted back to the 5th grade to promote his 25 year old painting and paperhanging business. Someone please get this man a glossy flyer.

I think I've sampled every nut.

This past weekend I was home in NJ and as always it was action packed. I tend to like to schedule a million things into a 48 hour weekend that I end up literally running from one thing to another. This weekend was no different. I recently started selling jewelry through one of those home show companies (haha because I have sooo much free time) and my mom was hosting my first show at our house so I ran to Costco with her (only after having a meeting at the Marriott for my ten year high school reunion and stopping at the mall for a new fall coat).

As soon as we get there I make a beeline for all of the sample stations - obviously the best part of any Costco shopping trip. I was immediately disappointed to only find a swiss cheese station, italian wedding soup station, and an assorted nut station (poor showing Costco). So I go over to the assorted nuts and am sampling the cinammon sugar covered almonds and butter rum pecans and I see out of the corner of my eye this steroid loving muscle man with tatoos all over his arms looking at me. I turn around to leave and he says to me "those are some good nuts right?" and I kind of mumble "yeah they are". Thinking that our interaction was over (and contemplating whether or not to turn around for one more sugar almond) I decide to try to find another sample station. As I'm walking away my tattoo man starts to follow me and all of a sudden says "hey you dropped something" and as I turn around he is picking up a piece of paper off the ground. He hands it to me and I'm just staring at it realizing that he has just handed me his phone number. Just to clarify tattoo man says "It's my phone number". I say oh thanks and proceed to run to try to find my mother where I say "Mother F-er" "We need to leave immmeeediately." I swear this only happens to me - I attract weirdos wherever I go.

Here is the number on the floor reinactment (very law and order)

After my mother had a good chuckle about this we examine the piece of paper which has CLEARLY been sitting in his back pocket for a long time (I mean it is rare to see someone as stunning as I stuffing her face with nuts at Costco) however it was quite disturbing that he was so prepared for our run-in.


Of course my mother thinks I need to start touring all of the Costco's for eligible bachelors. I mean honestly - why can't a handsome, smart, funny, not afraid of commitments man start dropping his phone number at my feet? Because that's not how the world works. It will continue to make me sample every nut on this planet until the right one comes along.

Costco, stock up.

Hotlanta Hates Us (But we tried oh so hard to love it anyway)

Soooo I just got back from a weekend in Hotlanta to witness yet another one of my friends bite the dust and get hitched. I was super excited to see my friend, but with the way my current dating state of affairs has been was hesitant to be around all the lovey dovey stuff. Apparently Hotlanta was not feeling my arrival either.





I was traveling down with T who was the third of our Fab Four group. At one point in time we were a force to be reckoned with in Providence - myself, T, southern bell, and our fourth friend Foxywhite (that is her "business" name and I'm mortified every time she introduces herself as such). Unfortunately southern bell moved back to Hotlanta to be with her now husband and the Fab Four never quite survived her departure. Foxy didn't make the trip so it was just me and T in the great ATL!





So T and I got our big asses up at 4:30 in the morning to make it to the Boston airport for our 7:30 flight. I force us to both wear our University of Georgia t-shirts that southern bell sent us for Christmas to show good Georgia spirit. I was only able to fake the answers to approximately two questions when asked about the football team. ("Is there a game today?" "yes." aaaannndd hmmm ok maybe just one question). We get on the plane and there is something about planes that makes me extremely drousy. I proceed to pass out while we sat on the runway for an hour. There is a problem with one of the wings (reassuring) but I'm in such a deep sleep i have no idea what is going on (I'm sure if I was fully alert I would have wanted to exit the plane immediately) Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #1.





We finally get to ATL but have definitely missed the bridal brunch and I'm cursing the fact that I'm not sipping on a mimosa at this point. We go to get our luggage and of course mine is nowhere to be found. I'm trying to describe my oh so cute vera bradley suitcase in the java blue print to the "I have no empathy for anyone" Airtran employee and she is making me decide if there is more blue or brown in the pattern - which if anyone knows what I'm talking about there is a completely even mixture of both. And if I had to say "yes by pattern I mean a print" one more time I thought I was going to scream. Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #2





We finally get to the hotel and southern bell is so excited to see us as we are her. We hang around in her suite for awhile but eventually are so starving that we need to order room service for lunch. T and I go back to our room to wait for our food. And wait. And wait. And watch this horrible original lifetime movie starring freddy prinze jr. And wait. We decide to call and see what's going on before we really lose it and come to find out our order was never placed. Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #3.





After we ate a delicious lunch paid for by the Westin we get ready for the big event. We are told there are no shuttles to the ceremony so the best bet is to take a cab. All spruced up and trying not to break a sweat in the 95 degree weather we pile into a cab and ask Habnam Prhtghmrt to take us to the Trolley Barn. He then tells us that he has no idea where that is. Neither does the bellman, the security officer or anyone on the entire Westin hotel staff (ok i'm exagerrating but seriously isn't that what these people are there for). I proceed to have a mini hissy fit and storm back upstairs to our room to get the address from our little welcome bag.(I already ate about 5 snickers and chex mix) By the time I get back the bellman had already printed out directions for our cab driver which pissed me off even more. Apparently mapquest directions didn't help either because we still got lost - and then I saw that he had a navigation system sitting on the passenger seat the whole time. (What??). Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #4.





We make it to the ceremony and run down to catch a glimpse of southern bell who looks absolutely stunning. We then grab our seats for the big moment. The ceremony is all well and nice until the officiant starts talking about southern bell needing to be submissive to her new hubby and that he is the head of the household and she needs to respect him blah blah blah. I look over at T with this horrified look in my face (sorry sb! everything else was so so lovely) like what did he just say and did we take a plane this morning to 1954? Still not quite over my initial shock I looked around to see everyone smiling and nodding along. Scrambling to pick my chin up off the floor I realized that we might of as well had "Northerner" signs stapled to our cute floral dresses at that point. Hotlanta Hates Us Sign #5.





T and I quickly run to the champagne table during the cocktail hour and began downing as many peach bellini's that we could. Despite the slim number of single guys at the wedding the rest of the evening involved great food and dancing. One of southern bell's friends that she had told me about awhile ago was in attendance. (she also believes he is my "soul mate") (he also now has a girlfriend) (who is a stage 5 clinger). However in my drunken state by the end of the night I was able to go up to him while she was off getting another beverage and introduced myself as his soul mate. riiighht. That would be funny if the story ended right there yet he then proceeded to email me on mypsace the next day. I love how I attract unavailable men (in every meaning of the word) all over the country. Yet, the night was not complete without a 300 pound black man named Sammy that worked for the catering company coming up to me and in his souther drawl said "Missss Southeeerrrn Bell (haha he actually used her real name but that would have been funny if he called her that) told me that I could have one dance this eeevenin and I want that dance to be with yoouuu." Mother Fucker. Despite my initial reaction he really was very sweet and thankfully our "dance" was to some fast jay z song so we were able to keep the holy ghost between us. Hotlanta maybe doesn't hate us but likes to fuck with us sign #6


Let's just say the rest of the weekend included the following:



-Being picked up by four businessmen from Texas at the Hard Rock Cafe (Old Man Texan, Single Texan, Married Texan, and Quiet Texan that wore a cigarette over each ear).

-Proceeded to be grilled by Old Man Texas on questions such as what the population of Providence is, what my interests are (and kept insisting it was boys like a broken record as I tried to answer), and if i know where the Red River is (no but I will kill you and throw you in it in about 3 seconds).

-Then proceeded to get into an indepth discussion with the Single Texan about why the officiant told southern bell to be submissive. (I'm still not convinced) (Plus he looked like Slade from Real Housewives from Orange County - absolutely no credibility).

- Then proceeded to find a 24 hour diner with karaoke with Married Texan and Quiet Texan in which I of course became the star of the show.

-Brought a little NJ to ATL with Living on a Prayer (however it was slightly ruined by the high pitched singing of my Atlanta Gay that insisted on singing with me.) (i know. as soon as I walked in he recognized me as America's Hag. where was the paparazzi?)


Ok well maybe Hotlanta DID love us by the time we left. I mean what city would bring us four Texans, an Atlanta gay and 24 hours of karaoke in one night?

Oh and on the flight home we had to remain seated when we landed so that four state troopers could come on board and arrest a man for an unknown "altercation" with a flight attendant.
Nevermind. Hotlanta hates us.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

Tortured me on my ride home. I had to drive the rest of the way home with the overhead light on and my body rigid while the creepy thing crawled all over the place. Since this was at about 10:00 at night I had just about had it with this Monday.



After my extremely boring weekend I lined up all my ducks in a row to get ready for the week ahead. My apartment was clean, my clothes clean, groceries for the week. I was on top and ready to start Monday.



Well apparently Monday wanted none of it:



7:30 am - I go to take the turkey out to make my lunch and it's frozen. Completely frozen. I decide to try to defrost it by putting it above the pot of pasta I was making (I know - I'm crazy but I wasn't going to be home for dinner so I needed to pack that too) and proceeded to burn my hand. I resorted to breaking off a chunk of frozen turkey and slapping it on a slice of wheat bread with hope that it would defrost by the time I ate it.



9:20 am - After my boss tortured me for weeks about these welcome baskets I put together for freshmen he wanted me to take a picture of them. After I sent the picture I got this email: "Hmmmm not working for me. I have my camera here if you want to try again." deep breath in, deep breath out.



1:00 pm - Go to the doctor for a physical. On my lunch hour. HOUR. With my laundry list of ailments in tow I knew I was in trouble when they didn't even have me go into the room until 1:30. The doctor finally comes in - asks me a few questions and then tells me to get undressed while he goes to get something. He mumbles a lot so it sounded like "mmbmbmb get bmbmbmb undressed bmbmbmbm be right back mbmbm. So i'm sitting there in the gown and I can honestly feel my blood pressure rising as i count the minutes go by and no sign of the doctor. What are the rules with that? Is there a certain amount of time that goes by before you can go outside in the hall and ask for help with your bare ass out there for the doctor's office to see? Then you try interpreting every sound. Which door is opening? Is it mine? No. Who is talking in the next room? Is it the doctor? Is he seeing another patient?? It's enough to make you insane. You have this whole speech prepared in your head about how doctor's need to respect their patient's time and blah blah blah. Yet when he comes in you say nothing. Finally he comes back and we proceed through the ackward procedure. I then try to convince him that I have thyroid problems (trouble losing weight, always cold, needing 12 hours a sleep a night). Apparently my doctor wasn't convinced and mumbled something about going on the South Beach diet. thanks.

2:40 - I speed back into work and didn't have time to drop off a care package (i stole one of the freshman welcome baskets) for my cousin who started as a freshman at Quinnipiac. I then lug it to the on campus post office which has already closed. So then I lug it back. I'm the new ups girl apparently.

6:30 - I go see my trainer. Which is not my red headed boyfriend. He quit/was fired (still in question) and didn't even say goodbye. And now he won't return my calls or answer my facebook emails. I now have Kim. Who is very good. YET she kicks my ass every time. No more pouting or trying to get out of exercises. She means business and I'm in trouble.

Which brings me to 10:00 pm when I'm driving home from visiting the sorority that I started to advise after training them on recruitment (that's a whole other story) and discover the spider taking up camp on my dashboard and laughing in my face at how ridiculous my ridiculous day was ending.




side note - I do realize that this was posted on Tuesday - I was so exhausted/pissed off that I couldn't bring myself to finish it last night. oh. and the spider is still on the loose in my car.

VMA's = WTF?

OK - The VMA's were seriously messed up this year. This is honestly one of the most atrocious shows that airs on television.

1. Are they in a garage? Why is it so small? MTV definitely had some budget cuts.
2. I am seriously let down by all the Britney hype. She said two lines.
3. Rihanna literally sounded disturbed. not good.
4. What the fuck was up with "speidi" (a la Spencer and Heidi). They should be killed.
5. I wish I could have legs like Demi at age 45. Heck I wish I could have legs like that now.
6. The Jo Bros are performing on a sound stage that resembles any sitcom that aired in the last 10 years. I don't get this. What is going on?
7. Who is this host? I thought he was in that movie - but is this how he is like all the time? I thought that was just a character.
8. Michael Phelps should just stick to swimming. and did he walk out with headphones on or earmuffs?
9. Thank god for Tivo - I was able to fast forward through all of the rap performances.
10. DID ANYONE PRACTICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO SAY?? No one can read off of the teleprompter.

I'm sorry. I can't watch anymore. Sadly I will never get these 68 minutes back.

update - i lied. i did watch a little bit more and did see Pink. who redeemed the entire show. she rocked it and i love her.

I'm bored out of my mind..

Ok - so it is definitely a Saturday night and I'm admitting to writing in my blog. I blame it on the hurricane outside.

TBS must have known I was home bored out of my mind so they have already played Failure to Launch for me and now My Best Friend's Wedding. So I'm watching My Best Friend's Wedding and first of all this movie is a lot funnier than I remembered but there were also a few disturbing things that came to mind:

1. Julia Roberts plays a 27 year old in this movie. For some reason I think I thought she was supposed to be a lot older but her and Michael's "pact" was to get married before they turned 28. Suddenly this movie became a lot more relevant.
2. How the hell did she fit that zack morris cell phone into her clutch at the wedding?
3. Which of all my gays would I pick to be my leading gay man? I would have to hold some kind of competition.
4. Cameron Diaz definitely had a few extra lb's when she first started out. Not that I'm judging. But I am.

I don't think I have it in me to watch the next TBS selection The Perfect Man. Two words: Hilary Duff.

Here's to Winter

So this past weekend my mom came up to visit me in good old Providence. I have a really good relationship with my mom so I was looking forward to her visit - although i had to mentally prepare myself for comments regarding my eating habits, the state of my apartment, and of course my dating life - which I knew were inevitable.



So mom arrives on Thursday night and while I go to work the next day she begins to tear my apartment apart. Now I don't consider myself a really messy person but I guess with the fabulous lifestyle I have (haha jk) it's hard to keep some of the real nitty gritty cleaning up. So when I get home I sit down to my first lecture - "Sarah you have stay on top of the dust" (ok so i may have noticed some dust balls the size of small rodents) "Sarah you have to pull the stove away from the wall sometimes" (ok she may have found enough seasonings that fell behind there to make a top chefesq entree) and finally "Sarah you have to take the time to put away your clothes" (ok I might have had so many clothes on the floor I could have clothed those dustball rodents".) So after the cleaning lecture we let the fun begin.



We decided to drive into Boston with my good friend J and his boyfriend R. First we take a walk down Newbury St. where mom kindly treats me to the 5 for $25 deal at Vicky's Secret so that I could throw away some of my old granny underpants (another thing she noticed during the cleaning frenzy) and some new clothes at H&M. Not my first choice for a clothing excursion but when mom is buying I don't argue. And this store was a ton better than the one at the mall when I have to find my size in a pile of clothes on the floor.



So then we head to dinner and of course I am taken aback at our gorgeous waiter, Pete. Pete looks like someone who auditioned for the role of Danny Zucko on that show "You're the One that I Want" so I was always expecting him to break out into song when he came to the table. J's favorite activity is to play matchmaker so he proceeded to try to make conversation with him the entire time. Well Pete wasn't too smart because at one point he came over and asked us if we wanted dessert and we hadn't even gotten our meals yet. We proceeded to laugh in his face and I swear he ran away and cried in the bathroom. J wants to tell him that he's hot. Mom tells him not to because then Pete will get so flustered that he will mess up all of his other orders for the evening and then will go home and kill himself. (mom! who knew she had such a disturbed mind although I swear we were laughing for like 10 minutes after she said that). So after we were finished harassing Pete we then left and made our way to a comedy club. We landed a seat in the front row so I thought for sure we were going to have a few laughs at our expense. (the best kind). Sadly - the comedians were horrible! I could have gotten up there and done better - Pete the waiter was effortlessly funnier than these guys.



The next night mom and I went to Watefire, a unique event to providence where they light fires along the canal. I know it sounds like a pyromaniac's heaven but it really is a nice event. We go on this boat ride on the canal and since the fire's were just lit mom was convinced we were going to catch on fire. We are taking pictures of each other but when i suggest we have a picture taken together she says no, that's queer. She also makes a comment that people might think we are in the lesbian boat because these two women behind us (who look like mother and daughter) are holding hands the entire time.

After we avoid getting our hair lit on fire we then make our way over to one of my favorite bars for some after fire drinks. Ok so a few days ago I met this guy from Lebanon who has not stopped texting me. So mom says - tell him to come meet us for a drink. I ponder and think this could go really really well or horribly bad. So I decide to take my chances invite him and he quickly agrees. He starts telling us all about how he won the silver medal in the olympics (in like '88 - you do the math) for taekwondo. and all about the movie he is premiering in october. (something about a woman with AIDS infecting men cause she hates them) I had heard all about this the first time i met him and apparently those are his two favorite topics to talk about. things went surprisingly well except for the fact that he didn't offer to buy us drinks - which was a big no no in mom's book. The other thing to point out is that he has been texting this other girl i know and she also showed up at the bar so that was a nice little awkward Lebanese combo.

Meanwhile I have a slight crush on the bartender and I am majorly using mom to score some points. He keeps forcing martinis on her and then we decide to all do a shot together. So he tells my mom to pick what we are going to toast to. Now mom doesn't do well with thinking of things on the spot so she says something like "here's to the end of the year, summer being over." i look at her like THAT is what you thought of?? we have the hottest bartender in providence buying us a shot and THAT is what you say?? Later on she says well what i could have said is "Here's to my daughter finding a husband." haha touche`. So after I almost die of embarrassment hot bartender smiles and says...I like it, "Here's to Winter". oy.

Diddily Dicking

My trainer at the gym accused me of this today. Sometimes he says things that are kind of random and this day wasn't any different. So why was I so called "diddily dicking"? Well over the weekend as I was getting my drink at the bar I got so excited at the song that came on that I decided to skip back to where my friends were standing. Since I had already pulled some kind of muscle the week before my body clearly couldn't handle the skip so my hip gave out and I pretty much turned what was supposed to be a whimsical fun movement into a clumsy, ungraceful, pathetic way to enter a room. So now I'm limping around like an old woman. It's very attractive.

Pause - I don't know if I have told you yet that I pretty much invest all of my mediocre income into a 20 year old red head ordering me around so that i can try to lose weight. My trainer and i have a love/hate relationship. I enjoy yelling at him when he makes me do things like the plank (this horrible exercise where I am basically on my elbows trying to hold my fat ass up in the air for more than 15 seconds) or these things called mountain climbers (because seriously would I ever climb a mountain in real life or for pretend. i didn't think so) but I honestly would miss him if i didn't see him on a regular basis. I swear. Plus - he's probably the most consistent hetero male in my life at the moment. Sad, but true. Except I am constantly reminded on how we would never be in the same social circles. I was told I was too old to be invited to any of his parties. ouch.


So anyway - after he said this ridiculous phrase and still not sure really what it meant it made me think how this phrase could apply to a wide variety of moments that I have experienced lately.


Diddily Dick Moment #1


I approach a guy I hung out with the night before after I see him park him and his group of friends on the beach right behind me and my friends (a pure accident) in a "light and breezy" way just to say hi. I had this whole plan worked out that would time our "run in" completely right. Of course things cannot be that easy and now we have been within a few feet of each other for pretty much the whole morning. I decide to approach him while him and his friends are about to leave the beach. Like a deer in headlights as he sees me approach he completely shuts down and/or almost goes into cardiac arrest and stands like a statue while I am scraping for words to make this any less awkward. For a split second I think - is the sun shining on me in a way that makes me unrecognizable from the night before? Haha of course not - I just have apparently broken the cardinal rule. Never make any form of contact in broad daylight. Was I diddily dicking or was he?





Diddily Dicking Moment #2


When I'm on the beach all I really crave is an Italian ice. Last summer mango was my flavor. This summer it is key lime pie. It is so refreshing I'm in heaven every time I eat it. THAT IS when they have it in stock. This poor twelve year old girl (yes they use child labor) working the ice stand had to endure the wrath of me when she told me that they were all out of key lime ice that day. Basically after blurting out every explicative that I could think of and I threw in a "I will fucking kill you" under my breath the girl looked like I had just transformed into the monster that used to hide under her bed. I am a huge diddily dick.





Diddily Dicking Moment #3

At work the other day I had to use the bathroom for evil. I try to avoid this at all costs but just couldn't get around it this day. All of a sudden the toilet is making this gurgling noise and I can seriously hear it laughing at me like "hahah you thought you were going to get away with this but I will make this the worst day of your life". I start to break out into a sweat because I honestly would escape through the back door and never return if the toilet started to overflow. I take a deep breath and say a quick prayer while I make another attempt to flush. It all starts to go down and I honestly almost get down on my knees thanking god for sparing me from what could have clearly been one of my most embarrassing days. Diddily Dicking at its best.

24 Hours in the Windy City

I think that I did the craziest thing in my life this past weekend.

It all started when I was at my friend L's wedding on the beach in Rhode Island. I was there with our other good friend B. We were sharing a hotel room with his friend E. The wedding was beautiful and we were having a great time. I started talking about how I've been dying to go to Chicago...B and I were talking about when we could possibly go and all of a sudden E says let's just go tonight! E apparantly has some money and was actually willing to buy the three of us tickets as well as book us a hotel room at the swank W hotel for no reason whatsoever. I immediately say I'm in. Chicago + free = totally for me. I was psyched.

He has his "secretary" (does anyone still really use that term anymore) book us the flights and we were only able to get one for 6:30 in the morning. So we continue to enjoy the wedding and the bars afterward. We were pretty typsy and decide to go to sleep for an hour or so. We wake up at 4:30 in the morning and still in a slight drunkin daze manage to get ourselves together to head to the airport. Things were kind of frenzied because B of course didn't have any of his things packed.

We get to the airport kind of late and there is mad chaos inside. I have never seen so many people at 6:00 in the morning. We make it to security - I had decided to carry my bag on. (my bag that included my dress from the night before and a tank top and shorts and pretty much that's it) when i realized that i had all of my toiletries not in the little containers that they were supposed to be in. we are now majorly late for our flight and in a panic i run back over to the check in counter to see if i can get my bag checked. i am able to and i manage to scurry back through security and onto our flight. We have to change planes in Philadelphia and i pray that my bag is along for the ride.

11:30 a.m. - We arrive in the great city of Chi-ca-go. My bag is nowhere to be found. The lady at the desk is no help to me whatsoever and I'm getting ready to wind my hand back to slap her and say I will f--king kill you when B finds my bag just laying all by it's lonesome on another carousel. Slap averted.

12:24 p.m. - Our car service (yes that's correct) drops us off at the W hotel and I seriously am doubting whether they were going to let us stay in such a nice place when we looked like vagrants.

2:06 p.m. - After walking down the Magnificent Mile and having lunch B and I decide to take a much needed nap.

5:40 p.m. - Refreshed we head to Market Days which is the largest gay festival in Chicago and is located in Boys Town. I knew I had landed in Boys Town when the mural on the wall was a Bud Light ad with two guys and the words "Be who you are".
pause - I forgot to add that my friend B and his friend E are both homosexuals and that the caveat to me going on this all expenses paid getaway was that i suck it up and be a lesbian. i mean dress like a lesbian. which i was since all i had in my bag was two wifebeaters (one white and one orange) and a pair of cacki shorts. It was either between that or my party dress from the night before and look like a drag queen.

6:58 p.m. - I am drunk on some mysterious green concoction that the gays keep feeding me. Gay boys are coming up to me left and right like moths to a flame. For a second I feel like Kathy Griffin, but cuter. The bar we are at has this fabulous activity set up where we all have numbers on our shirts and people can write notes to each other. I pretty much threaten this one gay boy into writing me a note which I then flaunt to every person I see after that.

7:16 p.m. - A boy dressed as a lifeguard and nothing but a speedo on comes in and somehow we start talking. I make some comment on how he wouldn't be interested in me. He gets all solemn and almost like the room got dark and there was a light shining on him he says "you never know - things are not always as they appear." i am so confused at this statement and as he is running away i'm shouting - wait! does that mean that you are straight???

7:55 p.m. - A gay man who honestly looks like Frankenstein tells me that I'm beautiful. I am flattered.

8:32 p.m. - Another group of guys and one girl walk in. One of the guys is very cute so me in my all new confident attitude walks right up to him and tells him that I think he's hot. I go on and on about how I know he doesn't care what I think but I just needed to say it. He looks at me and says "I'm straight". I almost fall over for my prayers have been answered. I have found the one straight guy that walked in through those doors.

10:07 p.m. - After doing 2 Irish car bombs I am now teetering on the brink of becoming sick. Thankfully knowing my limits at my age I quickly go into damage control. I immediately order water, down it and need another one. The first bartender was a woman and gave it to me for free, the second time it was a guy bartender and he wanted to charge me for a bottle. I am so pissed at this point and he won't budge. So i decide to accuse him of being prejudiced of straight people and say "what is it because i'm not gay!!??" he then refuses to serve me at all. since i was now standing with my new gay posse they calm me down buy me a bottle of water.

10:45 p.m. - I am still hanging out with my new cute straight boyfriend and we are having a fabulous time dancing because as we all know gay bars play the best music. As we walk from room to room he takes my hand and is seriously getting looks and cat calls from the men as we walk by. Some are disgusted when they see me attached to him, some are proud and shout something like "hold on to him girl". I am weirdly flattered by all of this and wonder how much he is actually secretly enjoying it.

1:22 a.m. - B takes a liking to new cute straight boyfriend's friend so the four of us go out for burritos and i am annoyed that they forget to put guacamole in mine. New cute straight boyfriend and I piss B off by wearing our sunglasses and singing "i wear my sunglasses at night".
I am elated at how the night has turned out and by the fact that I haven't lost anything.

9:00 a.m. - Walk myself to Starbucks and order a Vivanno AND a spinach feta wrap. I know - scandalous. I am on top of the world with how the weekend turned out and want to continue my rock star lifestyle right on into my breakfast order.

11:20 a.m. - I'm on my flight back home wondering how this all happened. It may not have been how I originally envisioned my first trip out to Chicago - but I certainly wouldn't have changed one second of it.

$3.03

There is something to be said about a single girl trying to make it on her own. Trying is the key word here. At my current job I get that lovely paycheck once a month. Yes that's right. One time and then you have to figure out how to make it last for the next 30/31 days.

Tomorrow is that thankful day and I am in a sad state of affairs. Trying to snag a free meal whenever possible, laundry piling up, walking wherever i can to save gas - desperate times call for desperate measures. Not to mention my social life is taking a serious hit. There are only so many free drinks that one girl can get.

I think my lowest point was when I actually got excited when I received a dollar in the mail from some company that was doing a promotion.

So currently I have $3.03 in my bank account right now.

I have thought of some things that I could do with that money:

• Purchase a magnet, hairnet, and lighter at the dollar store. (or 3 similar items)
• Do one load of laundry.
• Purchase 3 things off the dollar menu at McDonalds. (that could be a whole meal!)
• Tip a valet guy. However I wouldn't have enough money for a drink so I would just have to get right back in the car.
• Purchase 3/4 of a gallon of gas and drive down my street.
• Get a couple of handfuls of candy in one of those machines where the candy has been sitting there for literally years.
• Purchase 3 new songs for my ipod (which i currently am not in possession of because some thieves decided to go shopping in my car last week)
• Send an endless amount of Flair on Facebook
• Get 3 movies from the red box - although i will need to get them when it is still daylight because it's located in a poorly lit parking lot where lots of sketchballs hang out.

Actually when I put a little thought in it - my options are seriously endless.

Thank god for the last day of the month!

What's your passion?

So - this past weekend I was out on a first date and the conversation was flowing pretty easy up until the point when I was asked what I was passionate about. He had just been telling me about the stories that he has written and the books he has read and I suddenly panicked to myself that I had no passion in life. I quickly thought of the things I did while growing up - dance classes, piano lessons, etc. all of which I no longer do. How could they be what I was passionate about if I no longer did them - and was I ever really passionate about them?

I then started to laugh to myself at the ridiculousness of my thoughts because as I was trying to reach for any word, phrase, or activity the things that popped in my head were reality tv and celebrity gossip. How could you actually admit to someone that finding out who was going to be elminated next on the bachelorette thrilled you - or - when you heard the news that Kathy Griffin's assistant quit it actually put a damper in your day - or - that instead of reading the morning paper you scroll through the status changes of your friends on Facebook. Could this honestly be what I was passionate about?

Struggling to come up with an answer and to avoid looking completely uninteresting I simply said I had to get back to him about that one. How lame was that? Later that weekend as I thought about it more I really think aside from my love of pop culture my current passion is to live my best life. I know that sounds corny but I am passionate about making time for my friends and family - doing the things I love and always making sure that I'm putting the best me forward. I'm still searching for what all of it means exactly but I know that this year so far has really been a transforming one for me because I have discovered this new outlook and perspective. It is a time full of expectations - but I have learned to take it one day at a time, and to make sure I laugh along the way.

Oh and what time is the Bachelor on tonight?