Diddily Dicking

My trainer at the gym accused me of this today. Sometimes he says things that are kind of random and this day wasn't any different. So why was I so called "diddily dicking"? Well over the weekend as I was getting my drink at the bar I got so excited at the song that came on that I decided to skip back to where my friends were standing. Since I had already pulled some kind of muscle the week before my body clearly couldn't handle the skip so my hip gave out and I pretty much turned what was supposed to be a whimsical fun movement into a clumsy, ungraceful, pathetic way to enter a room. So now I'm limping around like an old woman. It's very attractive.

Pause - I don't know if I have told you yet that I pretty much invest all of my mediocre income into a 20 year old red head ordering me around so that i can try to lose weight. My trainer and i have a love/hate relationship. I enjoy yelling at him when he makes me do things like the plank (this horrible exercise where I am basically on my elbows trying to hold my fat ass up in the air for more than 15 seconds) or these things called mountain climbers (because seriously would I ever climb a mountain in real life or for pretend. i didn't think so) but I honestly would miss him if i didn't see him on a regular basis. I swear. Plus - he's probably the most consistent hetero male in my life at the moment. Sad, but true. Except I am constantly reminded on how we would never be in the same social circles. I was told I was too old to be invited to any of his parties. ouch.


So anyway - after he said this ridiculous phrase and still not sure really what it meant it made me think how this phrase could apply to a wide variety of moments that I have experienced lately.


Diddily Dick Moment #1


I approach a guy I hung out with the night before after I see him park him and his group of friends on the beach right behind me and my friends (a pure accident) in a "light and breezy" way just to say hi. I had this whole plan worked out that would time our "run in" completely right. Of course things cannot be that easy and now we have been within a few feet of each other for pretty much the whole morning. I decide to approach him while him and his friends are about to leave the beach. Like a deer in headlights as he sees me approach he completely shuts down and/or almost goes into cardiac arrest and stands like a statue while I am scraping for words to make this any less awkward. For a split second I think - is the sun shining on me in a way that makes me unrecognizable from the night before? Haha of course not - I just have apparently broken the cardinal rule. Never make any form of contact in broad daylight. Was I diddily dicking or was he?





Diddily Dicking Moment #2


When I'm on the beach all I really crave is an Italian ice. Last summer mango was my flavor. This summer it is key lime pie. It is so refreshing I'm in heaven every time I eat it. THAT IS when they have it in stock. This poor twelve year old girl (yes they use child labor) working the ice stand had to endure the wrath of me when she told me that they were all out of key lime ice that day. Basically after blurting out every explicative that I could think of and I threw in a "I will fucking kill you" under my breath the girl looked like I had just transformed into the monster that used to hide under her bed. I am a huge diddily dick.





Diddily Dicking Moment #3

At work the other day I had to use the bathroom for evil. I try to avoid this at all costs but just couldn't get around it this day. All of a sudden the toilet is making this gurgling noise and I can seriously hear it laughing at me like "hahah you thought you were going to get away with this but I will make this the worst day of your life". I start to break out into a sweat because I honestly would escape through the back door and never return if the toilet started to overflow. I take a deep breath and say a quick prayer while I make another attempt to flush. It all starts to go down and I honestly almost get down on my knees thanking god for sparing me from what could have clearly been one of my most embarrassing days. Diddily Dicking at its best.