Strippers, Shamrocks and Wellies, oh my!

Well this past weekend was very eventful. First on Friday night I met up with a high school friend and his coworker that were in town for a conference. Went out for a nice dinner on Federal Hill and then had some drinks at one of the Irish bars in Providence.

Well my friends were up in this area for a band conference and we happened to run into one of the band directors from our rival band out at the bar. I of course tried to start getting some "insider info" but wasn't having much success. All of a sudden we were giving him a ride back to the hotel - half the car didn't want to go home and half did. (we had to leave the bar because we suddenly realized we were the tallest people in the place - and that's not saying a lot. it was like the congregation of the leprechauns getting ready for st. patty's day) All of a sudden we were discussing going to the Foxy Lady - one of the many strip clubs in providence. Our rival band director "Ted" was all over that. I think it honestly was the highlight of his year. So we pull up to the place and there is a loud speaker with a recording of announcements almost like we were pulling up to a disney ride.

Let's just say it was quite the sight to see. To be with a group of guys that included one straight married man with a baby at home, one gay man, one in the closet gay man, and one desperate straight man was very interesting. I am always shocked at how these women don't even look good! This one stripper who was definitely on something literally had no ass and no boobs and yet there she was up there. Although I don't think she was getting much money. There was a group of guys there for a bachelor party and there were definitely some hotties but then I decided I couldn't tell people I met someone at a strip club so decided against going over near them. All of a sudden desperate straight man and in the closet gay man are no where to be found. I start to wander around and find them on the "side stage" (code for even uglier than the main stage girls) ogling at these women. All of a sudden desperate straight man goes into a secret back room and probably let loose more than we would all like to know. After desperate straight man had his fun, in the closet gay man was tired of putting up a front, married straight man couldn't take any more embarrassment, and gay man came close too many times of the women overhearing his comments - we decided to go home.

So on Saturday I headed to Newport with the girls for the St. Patty's day parade and festivities. This is a crazy day that makes it acceptable to be a drunk fool and to dress like an even bigger fool. I was very concerned about my outfit because I needed to be super cute and be able to pull off wearing some kind of green apparel. I also don't like wearing jeans with sneakers because i'm so short and don't like my jeans scraping along the ground. I was determined to wear a cute pair of wellies but of course had put off getting them till the last day. I managed to find a green pair at payless the night before.

So my outfit consisted of jeans tucked into my new green wellies, my green "kiss my blarney stone" t-shirt with a grey long sleeved shirt and white wife beater underneath, off white scarf around my neck and black puffy vest. I felt like i pulled off looking cute and was warm. Well - did I get a lot of negative attention regarding my outfit.

"why are you wearing those boots?" "did you think it was going to rain?" "you are bundled up for a snow storm" "do you think you have enough layers on?"

jesus - for a second i got worried that if i was a celebrity the fug girls would have written about me. my fashion forward gay assured me that the outfit was indeed cute. then i realized what these people were wearing that were making the comments/giving me looks:

- a green pimp hat

-green tights underneath super short jean shorts with their ass cheeks hanging out

- a t-shirt with shamrocks over each boob on a shirt with a leprechaun saying "me lucky charms"

-white gym socks with green stripes pulled up a la Dazed and Confused

and green sparkles in their hair.

and

-retarded matching green shirts that had puffy paint that said "i'm not irish but i've had irish in me."

as the fug girls would say - my wellies kick your leprechaun's ass.