And What a Circus It Was

Disclaimer: Anything that I say in this post does not take away from the fact that I love Britney. I have always believed. Now onto the nonsense I witnessed...

I went to the Britney Spears concert on Saturday night. The Circus they called it - starring Britney Spears. Whoa.

First of all - I was shocked to see how many people my age there was there. And they were dressed up. It was like Britney over the years: Classic Britney in the uniform skirt, Retro Britney in the red plastic suit, Britney circa pre-breakdown in the Fadora hat. And some an odd combination of all three.

Then comes the 3 ring circus which included a girl with no legs doing acrobatics. No. legs. How does she? Nevermind...

Then out comes Brit. She looks awesome. Rockin the curves and all. However she doesn't really seem that into it. Actually I feel like her dancers kind of have to lead her around on the stage. It all of a sudden became: the what object can we push britney around the stage on concert. A few of them included:

A stripper pole

a cage

an ottoman

a bicycle

a hot air balloon type basket

an umbrella

and my personal favorite: a picture frame that she was holding onto for dear life. "y'all just look at me like i'm a picture, in a frame y'all"

So besides Brit being pushed, lifted, led, and held all around the stage the show was quite entertaining. I also found what my Halloween costme is going to be this year:

I personally enjoy the shorts.

Doo doo dada dada...dee dee dooda dooda

Part Three: Did The Hangover Actually Take Place in Newport?

Ok - I know - you've been on the edge of your seats waiting for Part 3 of this long ass story. Since i just want to get it posted I will make this quick - here are the 10 reasons why I think that I experienced the Hangover first hand (ok a very mild version, but still) in the last leg of Southern Belle's memorable trip.

1. Southern Belle, T and I were so disorganized/hung over from our nonexistent pot party that we had a tremendous late start down to newport which resulted in T having no dress to wear, no alcoholic beverages for the hotel room, and feeling like we had no direction in life.

2. All clad in bathing suits and sundresses we ventured out onto the streets of Newport only to find out that it was cloudy, windy and hence the coldest day of the summer.

3. I get pissed that a 10 year old kid beats me to the plastic fishing pond at the restaurant we eat lunch at. now it's not going to be funny anymore it's just a cute kid fishing.

4. After we try to revive ourselves with a shower and some dinner we realize that every cab in newport is being occupied by the newport jazz festival. do that many people listen to jazz? i didn't think so.

5. After dinner we head over to the headlining event - Tracey Morgan. We are taken on a pot filled journey that included jokes about va jay jay's, sex, relationships, michael jackson, and back to sex. 2 couples in front of us walked out. they had sweaters tied around their necks and alligators on their shorts. we leave feeling confused and a little violated.

6. we head over to a popular newport bar where one of our providence friends is with a bunch of his friends. we see that they are sticking post it notes with funny sayings on each other's foreheads while the person with the note has to guess what it says. i say "this is so stupid".

7. thirty minutes later i am anxiously awaiting my next post it note which is being carefully crafted by cute mark. it says "please don't make me go back to the hotel". i think he is sending me a subliminal message. or a very direct one. these post it notes are hysterical. we are so funny.

8. what is not funny is when a stranger threw up on me at the bar. yes. threw. up. on. me. i initially think that someone spilled their drink because it's all cold and liquidy. not chunky at all. when T points out that it's actually throw up - i start screaming at the top of my lungs " MY LEGS, MY LEGS" like i had stepped into a land mine and my legs had blown up. the bartender quickly gives us free shots to shut us up. thank god i was wearing a dress so i could wipe it off my BARE legs. i know...i know.

9. the night starts to get out of control with people named manchego dancing with southern belle like a crazy man, T ripping shirts off of people, and me begging to get on stage with the band (and succeeding of course) (until i felt a tap tap tap on my shoulder into the second song and turn around to see the lead singer giving me a look like - ok wacko - get off my stage.)

10. And finally leaving Newport the next morning - in an even more disheveled state than we arrived. If we were still playing the Post It game mine should have said Laughed with Morgan, Danced with Manchego and had a Blast with My Girls.

The end.

Part Two: The Sighting

So after we recovered from that memorable and weird night at 212 Waterman we had a big day and night in Providence planned. The highlight of the night was taking Southern Belle to our new favorite spot - Luxe Burger Bar. It recently became Luxe and even though we love it just as much (maybe even more)- this was an old fave from when she lived up here when it was formerly citron. So we thought it would be perfect for us to take her there.



It was the Fab Four back again - Me, T, Southern Belle and Foxy White. It was a beautiful night and it was also WaterFire so the city was busy with lots of people out and about. I decided to wear my fun, colorful, strapless cocktail dress - I was a little doubtful because I felt like I was going to a wedding( maybe because i did wear it to a wedding. make that two weddings.) but decided to wear it anyway. So we sit down at our table outside and not even 2 minutes later Foxy White says to me - don't we know that guy over there in the black shirt?



And as she is saying this I look over my shoulder and there he is. The most recent heartbreak. Which is what mine did - again. We hadn't spoken since our "break up" (if that's what you can call it) via text message almost 3 weeks ago. I absolutely froze. This is probably one of the worst social moments a person can have. So of course we immediately formulate a plan. Since there were crowds all around Foxy White placed herself near where he was and pretended to make a phone call. When he turned to go back to his group she "ran" into him. Of course he asks who she was with (I swear he spotted me before this whole run in and tried to pretend i wasn't there). She of course tells him she is with me among others and he says he will come by. THANK GOD he was not there with another girl. I literally would have died. However I don't know how much better it was that he was with his brother and sister in-law and some friends - there was a day when I would like to think that I would have been a part of that group. So anyway he goes back to his friends and foxy white comes back to the table. I have completely lost my appetite at this point and am so at a loss for what to do that I am just staring ahead in some complete fog. Minutes go by and he's not coming over. So my friends eventually say for me to be the bigger person and go over there myself. I felt like i had to oil myself like the tin man to get my joints to move as I confidently (what i hoped looked like confidently since i felt like a baby fawn walking on new legs) walk over to him and his friends. As soon as he sees me he comes right over and hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. Then he starts rambling about how he was going to come over...blah blah blah..didn't want to get yelled at by crossing the ropes to where i was sitting (like there is restaurant police). Then he tells me I look nice. (although i was happy i looked good i was totally regretting looking like i just did the electric slide) This whole interaction is completely surreal. All I kept thinking was - was this really happening?

I'm not going to recount the entire conversation - we talked about our condos, work, we recounted with his friend about how fun our night in newport was etc. i went with him to check on the status of their table with the hostess. this was the point where we were by ourselves and i had the chance to say something. but what would i have said? you hurt me? you made a mistake? why did you have to do that over text message? i keep telling myself that whatever i would have said it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

it made me think of that movie that's out now which i LOVE - 500 days of summer. the boy is in love with a girl and she has dumped him - he runs into her randomly and she invites him to a party that she is having. when he goes to the party there is a split screen and one side is his expectations of what he wants to happen at the party and the other is the reality. (of course the two are dramatically (and depressingly) different). i kept thinking that was what this was like. in my expectations screen he would have seen me - felt horrible, wanted to explain himself more, and then realize upon seeing me that he did make a huge mistake and wanted to know if i would forgive him. However of course we know that didn't happen. In my reality screen we finished talking, i went back to my table where i proceeded to get choked up, somehow made it through dinner, watched him laugh with his friends while he ate dinner wishing that i was sitting next to him, and then awkwardly talked to him at the bar before he left that ended with hugging me while i said "it was good to see you" and him saying "you got it"(are you kidding me?). Then I proceeded to hold up the line in the bathroom while I bawled and tried to pull myself together. There is no worse of a feeling when your heart hurts so bad you can barely swallow.

Thank god i was with my girlfriends. They of course gave him a few zingers while i stood calm and collected. In conversation he referred to his friend as being "ten times worse than him" in the dating department and foxy white wittingly socked him with - "what? fucked up in the head?" LOVE IT. I of course wanted them to knock him down more but was convinced by them that it was the perfect amount of zing.

So in true Sex and the City fashion T decides that we need to round this night out with some good old pot. Me being the pot virgin thinks that this is an excellent idea. We make arrangements with our bartender friends to come by when they are done with work for our little pot party. Meanwhile we need to pass some time so we head over to Waterplace for a little dancing (i tried my best to shake my booty even though i wasn't that much in the booty shaking mood) and we all manage to get into a screaming match with these girls in the bathroom. (I don't even want to tell you what started it. Ok - these girls got mad that they didn't get to use the bathroom first since they were on the elevator that led to the bathroom first. I know - RIDICULOUS. We are apparently at a club for 5 year olds.) After I yelled at them and told them to quit running their "bleeping" mouth I proceeded to leave the bathroom and then march right into to give them some more.

T then turns to me and says she knew i was going to be just fine when she saw me stomp right back in there.

So we head back to my apartment, arms clad with munchies and mixers for our pot party. I'm so freaking excited that I'm actually dancing around and reenacting "All my single ladies" for Southern Belle. We also pass time by doing the "pencil test" to determine whether we need to wear bras (not for the party. haha. but just in general) (i don't know, ask someone from the south about it). And then the text message comes. "Don't hate me, but we can't come." "we don't have a car." Jesus christ - in all of our bathroom girl brawling, pencil test taking, beyonce booty shaking we failed to hire drug dealers who HAVE A GOD DAMN CAR.

So just as Carrie ends her pot smoking escapade after Berger breaks up with her on a post-it note and says (still high on smoking pot) "Oh! Hear that? It's midnight. The official end to what will now be known as 'the day I got arrested for smoking a doobie.' HAHA! I said 'doobie." -- I can say that the night of "the sighting" will now be known as the night that I waited until 4:00 am for pot from a carless drug dealer.

And failed a pencil test.

Part One: It all started at the 2 - 1 - 2

whoa. what a weekend.

Well it all started at the 2 - 1 - 2...my apartment that is. Southern Belle was coming up from Atlanta and we had an action packed weekend planned. I don't think I've announced yet that I finally bought a condo - yippee! I had wanted to do an appropriate farewell for 212 waterman (and all the shenanigans that went down there) and I thought the best time to do it would be when Southern Belle was in time since that was the place where we became such good friends.

So i'm getting ready for the party and for Southern Belle's arrival and T has an idea that I should put a sign up in the hallway inviting anyone from the building (this would actually be a first meeting since I have no idea who anyone is) down for a drink and some food. I really don't expect anyone to show up since I never actually see anyone. I think everyone was hoping for a guest appearance by the man who lives under the stairs because we are dying to see what he looks like...

So Southern Belle gets here and there are about 8 of us chatting it up and telling stories about my 600 square foot apartment and all of a sudden there is a little knock on the door. It's a waif of a girl holding a handle of bacardi in a brown paper bag excited as ever to come to the party. Her name is Alex and she lives upstairs and of course we made her feel welcome right away. Perhaps tooo welcome.

As soon as I realized that she was on drink #10 and her body weight was about 97 1/2 pounds I knew we were in trouble. That's when the inappropriate touching began. First it was the arm around my shoulder that "happened" to grace my boob. Then it was her hand on my leg (um..i had shorts on) - Wait I'm sorry the stroking of my leg while she told me how good it was to meet me. whooaaa nelly. keep yourself together. i know there isn't a whole lot of action going on up there on the 2nd floor but no need to come down to a party and make advances on me and my friends. everyone is weirded out and no one knows what to say or really do. and of course T is egging her on by announcing every time you could see my bra under my shirt. she then slurs to us that she wants us to go with her to a "secret" bar at Brown. oh wait - this is after she is now drinking the sweet tea vodka on the rocks. and after she has smoked a pack of cigarettes on the front porch. i honestly was surprised she was still standing. we avoid going to the "secret" bar, with the other "secret" lesbians and she gets her friend to pick her up. I also thought I was going to find her sprawled on the ground in front of the steps to 212 waterman with the neighborhood skunk who lives in the dumpster about to crawl over her. but thank god she wasn't.

if the walls in 212 waterman could talk they would have a lot of stories to tell - the beginning of great friendships, new love interests, broken hearts, broken bones, and hours upon hours of reality tv on that pink couch.

And I couldn't have asked for a better ending.

However- that was not the ending of this crazy crazy weekend...to be continued...

What happens when

You mix

One too many John Daley's with
Tequila with
Bday cake in the shape of a sheep with chocolate chips in the frosting with
Dancing like a fool and trying to take your sundress off (of course my bathing suit was on underneath!)with
Sleeping it off in the backseat of your friends car?

A bad scrape over your eye when you fall out of the backseat onto the pavement while innocent bystanders look on and say, "T, your pet is trying to escape. She just fell out of the car."

160 Characters

Getting rejected sucks. Every single form of it. On round 2 of me and the boy - it came down to the same issues again. But this time I wasn't going to just leave it be and not be spoken to. Because I knew I would have more chances of a response with a text message I decide to send one that basically says wtf? after always taking into consideration his situation - was he honestly shutting down on me again? and of course emphasized that i deserved so much better.

and then i got it back. the rejection text. the you are right..you do deserve better. the you want more than i can give. the you want a relationship...i don't. the i truly did enjoy our time together. ouch. there are so many things going through your head. are we truly doing this over text message? is this what closure is? is this what the end feels like? so then i decided that this was pretty much the last chance i had to "say" how i felt. but how do i get all my questions answered? how do i get validation for the last 8 months where i tried my hardest to mesh my wants and needs with the person who didn't have the same?

and how do you fit it all in a 160 character text message?

I think I just saw the back of Bobby Barker's head.

Again I suck at keeping up with my posts but honestly I haven't had any really funny or compelling stories to write about. However this past weekend was a great time at the good old Jersey shore.

I had to go down to Jersey for two work events in the middle of the week and then stayed down there for a fun weekend back in the Squan. My aunt was generous enough to let us stay at her house and she even drove us to the bar so we only had to take a cab home.

So Friday night she drops us off at the Osprey and literally as soon as she drops us off I turn to my good friend E and say - what are the odds that we are actually going to get a cab to drive us all the way back there. Not that it was THAT far - but it was definitely off of the main road and I would have no idea how to direct a cab there in the daylight, let alone after 2 a.m. after having a few libations.

So we decide to go to Leggetts since the Osprey was looking a little sparse. As soon as I walk in i feel instantly old. E decides to make tequila her drink of choice and proceeds to encourage this 12 year old to attach himself to me. I honestly don't know how he got in the bar. I think he was still in college. He had this surfer/homeless look about him with holes in his polo shirt and a shaggy haircut that kept getting in his eyes so he would whip his head to the side to fix them. Kind of like this :

I swear he could have knocked someone out with that hair flip. He will not leave my side as hard as I try to shake him off. Finally after me rejecting him about 25 times he got the hint and ran away.

So the bar closes and E and I go to grab some pizza that we love so much. She's too busy texting so I help myself to her slice as well. Now. the cabs are lined up outside so I decide to start interviewing for our trip home. 1. Do they have a GPS? 2. How much are they charging? I finally find a cab who does have a gps and says he would charge us $45 - which I bartered down to $40 (I have such good negotiation skills). So we hop on in and say goodbye to all the cabs who refused to drive us that far. So we finally get to my aunts house and all of a sudden we are back up to $45. E starts questioning him as to why he doesn't have one of those tickers that calculates how much we owe...we do have enough sense to take down his personal cell phone number in case we need to use him the next night.

The next day I'm putting everything away from my clutch and I suddently realize that my license is missing (along with my new lipstick). I immediately start to panic although I do stupid stuff like this all the time so I honestly wasn't surprised. I immediately call the cabbie (i've forgotten his name). And get the most bizarre voicemail - which I was tricked by the 59 other times I tried to call him. He says awlo? pause. awlo??? pause. pause. then says about 3 lines in what i think is arabic and then says to leave a message in english. I swear I thought he was actually answering the phone each time.

So we head to the beach to meet our other friends and I decide to try to retrace my steps. First I look outside in my aunt's lawn. nothing. then once we were back in the area I went back to leggett's. so the bartender is asking us all of these questions including what the name of the cab company was. which i can't remember (but i also have a funny feeling that the car was unmarked which i am embarrassed to admit to the bartender). (He also makes a funny face when i tell him the cab driver gave us his personal cell phone number). (Then E makes a funny face when she remembers there was no ticker). Were we duped? Had a local driven us home that night instead of a legitimate cab driver?? On top of all this I felt like my entire world went to shit when I stepped back into Manasquan - I had no gas, no money, no license, and no lunch. That's what that town can do to you.

So we spend the rest of the day at the beach and I'm developing alternate plans on how i'm going to get into the bar that night. On our way back to the car we notice the shack next to the osprey that we had considered renting. Instead of our friends - it was occupied by these frat looking guys grilling some hamburgers. We sigh that we are houseless this summer and keep on walking. So E and L our other good friend start our trek to find the Sonic that we saw on our way to the beach. I was super excited that a Sonic had opened in the area and wanted E and L to experience the Sonic deliciousness. L had to follow us cause she had taken her own car and we put the poor girl on this wild goose chase because i needed gas (at a sonoco) and money (from a bank of america). my little tom tom kept taking us to sonocos that were no longer sonocos and b of a's that were no longer b of a's. so it was becoming very unfun running all of our errands. I managed to lose L a couple of times and then we finally made it to the sonic and chowed down on popcorn chicken poppers, tater tots, a mini ice cream sundae, and mozzerella sticks. it was delish.

so we make it back to my aunt's house and i shamefully grab the phone book to start trying to call other cab companies. finally i get a call on my cell phone - SARAH! HOW ARE YOU? like we were long lost friends...it was cabbie and he had my license! however the catch was that we had to meet him in Asbury park which was about 25 minutes away and in not the best area. so even though we were all sleepy and sun soaked from the beach we piled back up into the car again to get my most precious license.

So we are near a shady area and all of a sudden i see my cabbie poke his head out of the window in the parking lot. We drive over and with a big smile on his face he hands me my license AND lipstick (yay!) through the window. there are three girls in his backseat who have looks on their faces like wtf is going on? is this some kind of drug transaction? so mission successful - the osprey plan is back on!

We get all gussied up and ready to go. L and I are wearing pretty much identical denim dresses which makes us look like back up singers to E who is dressed in black. We start out at Leggetts again where we chat with this one guy who seriously had a chip on his shoulder. He started out by saying we looked like we were having a horrible time. Oookkk. way to make a group of girls start chatting.

We decide to then head over to the Osprey where I'm so excited to have some sightings from the past two summers. To my dismay it was so different. Completely different crowd. New rules regarding footwear. My bartender is not at his usual location. Not good. So we do a couple of laps throughout the bar. I don't see any of the lifeguards from last summer which usually provide some entertaining stories and gossip. All of a sudden I think I see the back of one of my favorite lifeguard's heads which leads me to follow this mysterious person down the hall. I am losing E and L even more by the second. We then decide to say goodbye to the Osprey and head back over to Leggetts..

We find the guys that we were talking to at the beginning of the night and this is basically how the rest of the evening played out:

1. this brute of a guy tried to attack L and successfuly attacked me by knocking me to the ground with his death grip. it was seriously like beauty and the beast. he was trying to dance but his force was more than he realized and with essentially no effort he knocked me to the ground on my ass - i'm still recovering from the bruise.

2. going back to the shack of a house that the guys lived in and proceeding to eat hamburgers that probably had flies all over them at one point (after thinking back it was definitely the same hamburgers we saw them grilling on the walk back from the beach...scroll back up to beginning of story)

3. L making out with a boy who clearly had a piece of brain missing

4. E running a marathon

5. nohr the cab driver sweeping in to save us from that place

6. us stiffing nohr after all his good deeds

7. E asking me the next morning if i ever found Bobby Barker. Which is not his name. at all.

I couldn't have asked for a better weekend in the squan.